


What Dreams Are Made Of

by LolaLot



Category: Naruto
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-29
Updated: 2016-10-08
Packaged: 2018-07-27 12:46:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 56,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7618618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LolaLot/pseuds/LolaLot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Long after the war, Sakura is snuggly settled in her new life. She has a beautiful daughter, a great life, a husband - everything she had ever dreamed of, she now had. But fairy tales were never meant to last, were they?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1: Uchiha Sakura**

 

**___**

  


Sakura waded through the crowd of the market, slipping between passers-by nimbly without a second thought. Today, she would buy raspberries. They weren’t usually on her shopping list -- how expensive such tiny fruit could get, Sakura would never understand -- but this wasn’t an everyday shopping trip. Her daughter was graduating and Sakura had promised to bake a raspberry cheesecake for the occasion. Sarada loved raspberries something fierce, but Sakura had little affection them. They were tiny and full of hard seeds Sakura would be fighting to remove from her teeth for days.

 

“Haruno-san, beautiful day, isn’t it?” Yamada hollered as she approached his stall.

 

Much like herself, Yamada was in his early thirties, faithfully present every Friday afternoon. Sakura offered him a smile, raising a hand in greeting. “Isn’t it? I bet you’ve got something super amazing for me! Can’t grow bad produce in this weather, can you?”

 

Yamada laughed, then leaned in conspiratorially. “I can’t disappoint my best customer, can I?” Flashing her a wink, he fished with one hand under the counter and produced a handful of blueberries laid out in a pretty pink tissue, no doubt for her benefit. “Here, a free sample for you.”

 

Needing to be pried no further, Sakura gathered the berries in her own hands, immediately plopping one in her mouth. It had been ages since she’d had them -- two summers past, maybe? Sakura couldn’t help but sway from side to side in a giddy dance. The blueberries were delicious, a wonderful gift the weather rarely permitted. Those small berries were so finicky and hard to grow right in Konoha.

 

“Good, eh?” Yamada laughed, crossing his arms over his broad chest. “The wife picked them this morning. Haven’t had ‘em so perfect in years.”

 

“No kidding,” Sakura sighed, swallowing the last of them. Scanning the stall, she was quick to spot them between the strawberries and raspberries, for a price even more exorbitant than the other berries. Delicious as they were, they would be sold out either way. Smart move. “Awful as it is, that’s not on my list today.”

 

“What can I get you then?” Yamada was visibly surprised, though he did his best to keep a cheerful face.

 

Every Friday, she would come and he would give her a free, generous sample of his best fruit because he knew Sakura loved sweets above all else. Without fail, Sakura would purchase whatever she could afford that week as a treat.

 

“I’ll have one of those large punnets of raspberries instead,” Sakura said, pointing to them. “It’s Sarada-chan’s graduation today and I’m baking a cake for her.”

 

“That time already? Figures.” Yamada picked a punnet for her and prepared a bag, adding whatever else Sakura pointed to into it. “Feels like it was just yesterday you were here every week with her on your hip! Cute baby she was.”

 

“Don’t remind me,” Sakura sighed. “I swear for every year she ages, I age three. What am I going to look like by the time she’s all grown up?”

 

Yamada gave a hearty laugh, taking the bills Sakura handed him. The raspberries had set her back more than she’d expected, Sakura groused internally. “Tell me about it. My youngest might just give me a heart attack any day.”

 

“I guess that’s just what it means to be a parent, huh?” With another wave of her hand, Sakura turned to leave, making sure to flash another smile at Yamada to secure future free samples. “Well, I’ll be on my way or I’ll be late.”

 

“Ah, Haruno-chan,” Yamada called, leaning over his stall to grab a small punnet of blueberries. “Take these. It’s on the house today. Graduation present, yeah?”

 

Sakura halted mid-stepped, mumbling a sound of surprise. “Ah, Yamada-san, I couldn’t…”

 

Yamada extended his arm towards her, waving his free hand dismissively. “If you don’t take them, I’ll take it they weren’t any good.”

 

Sakura smiled, sheepish as she accepted the punnet. “I can’t let that happen, now can I? You’re the best, Yamada-san.”

 

“Any time.”

 

Fresh smile on her lips, Sakura left the market, heavy bags in tow. As soon as she was certain she was out of Yamada’s sight, she began picking at the blueberries, taking her sweet time to return home. If they weren’t done before she got home, then sharing was inevitable. Guilt nipping at her, Sakura glanced down at the little blue bubbles of happiness in her hand.

 

Sakura harrumphed, raising her nose high in the air. “I got raspberries for Sarada-chan. I can be a little selfish and keep these to myself…”

 

“Aah, Forehead!” Ino called from her side, bulldozing down the street with Tenten and Hinata on her heels. “Ooh, did you get those awesome blueberries?”

 

“Don’t be so loud, Ino-Pig,” Sakura scolded, already feeling the looks coming from the crowd around them. “It’s rude.”

 

“What’s rude is not to share,” Ino declared, unceremoniously picking blueberries right from Sakura’s punnet. “These are so good.”

 

“Hey, what are you doing!” Sakura pulled the berries away from Ino, though not before having more than she’d like stolen already. “Those were…”

 

“What’s the big deal?” Ino’s fine brow knitted together, her lips in an annoyed pout. “You can just buy more.”

 

“I guess.” Sakura couldn’t help but grieve for the berries, no matter how childish it was.

 

“Ino-chan,” Hinata cut in, leaning in from Ino’s side with her usual innocent smile. “Those blueberries were quite pricey, didn’t you notice? You should buy Sakura-chan some more to apologize for being so rude.”

 

Sakura remained silent. Being Naruto’s -- the Hokage’s -- wife, Hinata was privy to far more of her personal life than Sakura would have liked.

 

“Relax, Hinata.” Tenten gave an exaggerated roll of her eyes, clucking her tongue. “It’s just a few blueberries. No one’s going to die over them.”

 

“So everything’s still cool for tonight, yeah?” Ino chimed, sickly sweet smile on her painted lips. “You’re baking and we’ll bring the rest?”

 

“Yup,” Sakura said, raising an arm to display her shopping bags. “Got everything to make the cake.”

 

“Sweet! We’ll see you then!”

 

As suddenly as she’d appeared, Ino was gone. Sakura sighed to herself. A full grown woman, and Ino hardly ever changed. Even Hinata had come around, shedding her shell and becoming a functional adult.

 

“Sakura-chan, what a surprise.”

 

Sakura spun on her heels to find Kakashi behind her, his usual smile plastered on his face.

 

“Yo.”

 

“Kakashi-sensei,” Sakura mumbled, smiling to hide the surprise from her face. “Stop that. You know exactly when I come here.”

 

“Is that so? Are you sure?” Kakashi leaned down to reach for some of her bags, though not before ruffling her hair. “That’s impossible. That would be mean I was on time today.”

 

Sakura frowned, but followed him without further complaint when he headed towards her house. When her steps matched his, she offered him the blueberries, but he simply shook his head. “What do you mean, on time? For what?”

 

“Nothing, nothing,” Kakashi chuckled. It was quite the walk to her house, but this market was the cheapest, since the farmers came here to sell their produces themselves. “What’s for dinner?”

 

Sakura huffed, pointedly looking straight ahead. “I’m not cooking tonight.”

 

“Ah, yes, that’s right.” Kakashi put a finger to his chin, and Sakura finally noticed the non-descript bag dangling from his arm. “Isn’t it Sarada-chan’s graduation today?”

 

“What’s that?” Curious, Sakura leaned forward, trying to sneak a peak, but Kakashi was as secretive as ever. “Come on.”

 

“It’s nothing,” Kakashi teased, though his smile became brittle when Sakura turned murderous eyes on him. “You’ll see at home, alright?”

 

“Fine, old man,” Sakura grumbled, settling back to her own side of the sidewalk.

 

“Is that a new wrinkle?”

 

Kakashi poked the corner of her eye, right where Sakura had spent a full ten minutes this morning bemoaning its very birth. Her face fell. “I -- No -- How rude can you be?!”

 

Kakashi laughed. “Don’t make fun of others if you can’t take some teasing yourself.”

 

Lesson learned, Sakura shut her mouth and didn’t dare speak a single word until they were finally home. As she walked in the kitchen, Sakura sucked the juice of the blueberries from her fingers and threw the punnet in the trash.

 

“Those were so good.” She turned to Kakashi, sticking her tongue out at Kakashi. “Your loss for not taking me up on my offer.”

 

Kakashi simply smiled, placing the grocery bags on the counter next to the others.

 

“Right. Not into anything sweet. Sooo…” Sakura sneaked up behind him, peeking from his side at the bag he had brought with him. “Can I know what’s in that now?”

 

“Are we home yet?” Kakashi said, a grin on his lips Sakura wanted nothing more than to rip from his face. “Fine, fine.”

 

Without further ado, Kakashi untied the bag and pulled out a small outfit. Sakura gasped, immediately leaning in closer to inspect it. It was a qipao dress much like she had worn as a genin herself.

 

“It’s a little fancier,” Kakashi said, anticipating Sakura’s question as she felt the dress and discovered it was armored. “I figured ninja ought to have the right gear.”

 

“It’s pretty,” Sakura said, taking it from Kakashi’s hands gingerly when he handed it to her. It was rather heavy, but its benefits would far outweigh such a minor inconvenience. “I wish mine would have been like that, too. Though I would’ve probably just complained it was too heavy anyway.”

 

“It should fit her,” Kakashi said, scratching the back of his head. “I figured you and her were the same size at that age and used your old outfit for measurements.”

 

“You what?” Sakura raised an eyebrow, mouth agape. “When did you get your filthy hands on that?”

 

“Remember when you were sick?” Kakashi took a step back, ready to defend himself if necessary.

 

Sakura remained puzzled for a moment, until the memory hit her -- that had been more than six months ago. Sakura had caught a bad case of the flu and could hardly move for a week. Kakashi had taken care of her, Sarada and the house in his spare time. It wasn’t so surprising she hadn’t spotted Kakashi stealing her old clothes.

 

“Kakashi-sensei…” Sakura held the present in her hands carefully, inspecting it again. The quality was more than decent and it had surely cost a pretty penny. “I can’t accept this. You’ve already -- “

 

“Shush,” Kakashi said quickly. “It’s just a present from a mother to her daughter, hm?”

 

Tears stung the corner of her eyes and Sakura immediately wiped them away. “I’m still such a crybaby, aren’t I?”

 

Kakashi remained silent, so Sakura hurried to regain her composure and got to storing the groceries in the fridge. Kakashi helped her, only flashing her his trademark smile when she looked up at him with more gratitude than she could find the words to express.

 

While she began preparing the cake, Kakashi lounged on the couch, visible from the kitchen. To this day, Kakashi was rarely seen without an Icha Icha book in his hand.

 

“Kakashi-sensei,” she called, smiling at the red mess her hands were. “Why don’t you read it aloud for me?”

 

“I didn’t know you were so risqué, Sakura-chan,” Kakashi said, affecting the bored tone he always did when he was asked to do something he’d rather not do.

 

“I hate cooking,” Sakura scoffed. “You know that. Yet you just lie there, book in hand. Entertain me.”

 

“Must I obey your every whim?” Kakashi turned a page, deliberately slow.

 

“Oh, just read already!” As carefully as she could whilst riled up, Sakura mixed in the raspberries with the rest of the mixture, admiring the red swirls it created. Maybe if she was careful enough, they would remain even after the cake was done?

 

A chuckle later, Kakashi began reading out loud for her pleasure. Sakura stifled giggles here and there. More than a decade later, she had never read the books herself. Though Kakashi appeared right in saying they weren’t only smut, the whole premise still seemed cheesy to her.

 

By the time she had put the cake in the oven, Kakashi was starting on the second chapter. Sakura joined him in the living room, waving her hand at him to scoot to give her some space on the couch. Once he was sat up, Sakura dropped on her rear end besides him, sighing loudly.

 

“I’m so tired.”

 

“You’ve hardly done anything.”

 

“Isn’t that awful?” Sakura complained, shooting him a hurt glance.

 

Kakashi only chuckled, nodding at her to get closer. She did, allowing him to guide her head on his shoulder. “How about I read my little Sakura-chan to sleep?”

 

Sakura snorted, and Kakashi frowned childishly. “And trust you with the cake? No way.”

 

“Fine. Be like that.”

 

Angry as he pretended to be, Kakashi continued to read for her. It was only when he stopped that Sakura realized she had begun dozing off. Discreetly, so he wouldn’t catch her, she checked the time on her watch. The cake wouldn’t be ready for another fifteen minutes, thankfully.

 

“Why’d you stop?” Sakura asked, glancing up at him to see he was still reading, only silently.

 

“It gets a bit… troublesome from here.”

 

Sakura laughed, unsurprised that he didn’t take his eyes away from his precious to answer her. “I wonder who’d be more embarrassed if you kept reading. I can see your cheeks are red under your mask!”

 

Kakashi knew it was a fib, so he hardly reacted. “Good eye, Sakura-chan.”

 

“C’mon,” Sakura goaded. “Three lines. Show me how mighty the Copy Nin is when he has to read the juicy bits of Icha Icha out loud.”

 

“Whatever would I gain from doing such a thing?” Kakashi raised an eyebrow, leaning his head on his fist.

 

“I’ll bathe the dogs next week?” Sakura offered, more interested now that he’d shown an opening. “All of them.”

 

“What about my laundry?” he chipped in, and Sakura knew she had him.

 

“Fine. I’ll do your laundry too.” Sakura placed her head back on his shoulder and lightly jabbed him in the ribs. “Now read.”

 

Kakashi hesitated still, but, with a deep sigh, began reading. “He ran his hands down the length of her sides, enjoying the supple flesh that gave under his touch, spurred on by the soft breaths of his forbidden lover. He left a trail of heated kisses down the valley of breasts, down to her taut stomach, and finally, with a pause, to the inside of her silky thighs. She shuddered and…”

 

Sakura frowned and looked up again. “And what?”

 

To her satisfaction, Kakashi avoided meeting her eye. This time, there really was a tinge of red above his mask. “You said three lines. That’s where the third line stops.”

 

“Bummer.” Sakura deflated against his side. “Can I bribe you some more?”

 

“Maybe another time,” Kakashi chuckled. “Or maybe you can get your own copy and read it yourself.”

 

“Where’s the fun in that?”

 

Disinterested, Sakura stood up to go check on her cake. Though the timer indicated there were still a few minutes left, the cake seemed ready so she took it out of the oven and left it to cool on the counter.

 

“Well, I’ll leave you to get ready and get going,” Kakashi said as he stood up from the couch, clapping Icha Icha shut. “I’m sure you’ve a busy day ahead of you.”

 

“Yeah. Thanks for everything, Kakashi-sensei.”

 

Sakura watched his back as he left, a small smile on her lips. At the very least, Kakashi was there.

 

…

 

By the time, Sakura had reached Naruto’s house, a few others had already arrived. The Yamanaka and Akimichi, mostly.

 

“Sakura-chan!” Hinata greeted, ushering her inside with the other guests immediately. “Is that the cake you went shopping for this afternoon? It looks wonderful!”

 

“Hey, it actually does!” Ino crowed, leaning all sides to see the cake better. After all, Sakura had managed to keep the pretty swirls in. “It’s pretty, too!”

 

“You say that as if you expected anything else,” Sakura said through gritted teeth, nonetheless flashing a sweet smile at Ino.

 

“Well, we can’t all cook like the Akimichi, now can we?” Ino rolled her eyes, retreating to the large living room.

 

Large was a good way to qualify all of Naruto’s house. But then again, he was Hokage, and that was only to be expected. With nostalgia washing over her like a warm tide, Sakura remembered the tiny, crummy apartment he used to live in by himself. How far he had come.

 

“You wouldn’t believe who I saw at the bookstore today,” Tenten said to Ino, simply accepting Sakura’s presence as she usually did. They saw each other often after all, ever since they’d all gotten pregnant and had too much time on their hands. “Miyumi.”

 

“What about it?” Temari scoffed, offering a roll of her eyes.

 

Out of all of them, Temari had changed the least. Even a mother, she remained cool and unaffected by their mundane everyday life.

 

“She was buying _Icha Icha_ ,” Tenten whispered, as if a dangerous secret was crossing her lips.

 

“Icha Icha?” Sakura blurted out, unable to keep from laughing. “For real?”

 

“I know, right?” Ino guffawed besides her. “Out of all the smut she could buy, she chooses that old cheesy thing Hatake-sensei carries all the time.”

 

“Well,” Sakura cut in, reigning in her grin. “Maybe she wants a little spice in their life. What’s wrong with that?”

 

“Miyumi-san could have, perhaps, been a hint more discreet?” Hinata said, taking a seat on one of the couches. Ino and Sakura followed suit. “Such intimate matters… I can’t imagine if someone would see me do such a thing…”

 

“You’d have a heart attack, wouldn’t you?” Temari smirked, throwing her a wolfish glance. “Poor little Hinata-chan.”

 

“T-that’s… It would be an embarrassment to Naruto!” Hinata quickly interjected, shoving her hands on her knees. “I can’t let such rumors happen about Hokage-sama.”

 

“So you’re saying you think Shino’s not good enough for his wife in bed?” It was Ino’s turn to bare her teeth in a smirk too large for her own good. “I didn’t know you like this, Hinata!”

 

Hinata simply kept her lips shut. Sakura smiled, patting her shoulder for whatever comfort it was worth. Though for reasons much unlike her own, Sakura could sympathize with Hinata. Thankfully, she was always spared from this sort of discussions. Sasuke’s absence was not a matter to be brought up lightly. For that kindness, Sakura was grateful.

 

When the door opened and the children poured in, their conversation evaporated as if nothing had ever been said. The mothers greeted their children and husband quickly, sharing kisses and hugs and congratulations. Before long, Hinata led them all in the dining room, where all the food and drinks had been laid out. Sakura set Sarada’s present among the others, now well wrapped and giving no hint to its contents.

 

“I’m so proud of you Sarada-chan,” Sakura cooed, stroking Sarada’s hair. “A genin already. Do you like your new headband?”

 

Sarada shrugged, adjusting it on her forehead. “I guess.”

 

“Oh, come on now,” Sakura said as she leaned down to flick her daughter’s nose. “How can you be so morose today? It’s your graduation.”

 

“He’s not there, is he?”

 

Sakura’s heart sank right down to feet. No, he was not. The disappointment clouding Sarada’s eyes made it clear she had hoped he would be here, _today_ , at least. Just one day. The smile was wiped from Sakura’s face. She would have given anything, a hundred of those punnets of blueberries if need be, for her husband to be here. To never see that sadness on Sarada’s face ever again.

 

“Are you talking about me, by any chance?”

 

Sakura straightened her back quickly, caught off guard by Kakashi’s voice.

 

“I’m late, aren’t I?” he said sheepishly, affecting his smile.

 

“Just barely!” Sarada said, now sporting a hint of a smile. “I didn’t know you were coming, Kakashi-sensei.”

 

“I couldn’t miss this, could I?” Kakashi ruffled Sarada’s hair the way he always had Sakura’s, annoying her. “To think you think so little of me…”

 

Kakashi shot Sakura a concerned look, and Sakura knew she had let herself slip. Excusing herself quickly, she retreated the bathroom. As soon as the door was shut behind her, tears fell from Sakura’s eyes. How unfair it was to Sarada, Sakura repeated to herself over and over. Clear as day, she still remembered when Sarada, barely a year old then, had called Kakashi daddy.

 

Sakura pressed her palms to her eyes, willing herself to calm down.

 

Of course such a thing would have happened. Sarada couldn’t possibly remember her father at such a young age, not when the only times she had seen him were out in the wilderness during the first week of her life. By then, Sakura had become too exhausted to follow Sasuke everywhere and he had sent her home -- a good decision, truly. It was no way to live for an infant.

 

A small laugh escaped Sakura, but she silenced herself quickly.

 

How she had cried, and cried, and cried, for weeks. How she had missed him, and continued missing him, until missing him was no longer an emotion but a state of mind she had grown used to, as she had grown used to motherhood. As she had grown used to Kakashi’s increasing presence in her life, had begun to ignore her ego and simply accept Kakashi’s helping hand.

 

Kakashi’s face, too, she could remember perfectly. His eyes had widened, but he simply smiled and corrected Sarada, acting unfazed.

 

Sakura swallowed hard and grabbed a towel, pressing it to her face to erase any evidence of tears. She couldn’t stay away from the party so long without drawing attention, so she breathed in deep and returned to her daughter.

 

“Your cake is delicious, Haruno-san!” Chocho, Choji’s daughter, said with all the enthusiasm in the world. She was an Akimichi, alright. “Can you bake it again soon?”

 

“Of course, Chocho-chan,” Sakura said, offering a bright smile before moving to where Kakashi was sitting.

 

Of this, no one said a word, either. Whether it was because nobody thought it was odd that she and Kakashi were so often together since her return to the village, or because nobody dared imply there was something between them, Sakura didn’t know. Whatever it was, she liked it this way. Her relationship with Kakashi had always been the one thing to remain hers and hers alone. No one questioned her about it and it remained private.

 

“Distracted much?” Ino scolded, waggling a reprimanding finger in Sakura’s face. “I’m talking to you!”

 

Sakura started, looking up at Ino with a sheepish smile. “Sorry, I was distracted.”

 

“Everything alright, Sakura-chan?” Naruto asked from behind her.

 

Sakura twisted to look at him, always finding the strength within her to put on a bright smile for Naruto. “Of course, Naruto-kun. Today is such an amazing day.”

 

“That’s what I like to hear!” Naruto cheered as he pulled her in a too-tight hug. “Even Kakashi-sensei found it important enough to grace us with his presence!”

 

Kakashi offered a smile, though he remained silent and willingly separated from the group on his end of the couch.

 

“It’s true we don’t see Kakashi-sensei around very much,” Sai said, appearing at Sakura’s side. “It is a grand occasion.”

 

“Laying it on a bit thick, eh?” Naruto said, one eye twitching. “He’s just an old man now, he needs plenty of rest.”

 

From the corner of her eye, Sakura spotted Shikamaru and a horde of children around him, pulling and tugging at his jonin vest. “Maybe someone needs to go rescue Shikamaru there.”

 

“Come on!” Bolt complained, the flashiest among the children with his sunny hair. “Show us what a jonin can do! I bet I can do better!”

 

“Bolt, leave him alone!” Naruto scolded, going to his son. “You know Shikamaru is ten times as old as he looks. He’ll have a heart attack if you bother him too much.”

 

Shikamaru, recognizing an opportunity when he saw, immediately fled from the children, annoyance scribbled on his face.

“Then you show us!” Bolt shouted, pointing an accusing finger at Naruto. “You say you never have the time, but now you’re free, right?! So show me!”

 

Naruto gritted his teeth, eyes narrowed in hot-headed anger that was more playful than mean. “Fine then! Kakashi-sensei, we’re on!”

 

“We’re what?” Kakashi raised an eyebrow high, suddenly stiffer in his seat.

 

“Let’s spar, show those runts what the big boys are capable of.” Naruto grinned, stretching his arms. “It’s been a while, too. I’ll make you bite the dust now.”

 

“I’m not sure I’m so enthused by that -- “

 

Before Kakashi could finish his sentence, Naruto had him by the collar and was dragging him outside. The children followed, all vocal and jumping in excitement. Much to Sakura’s relief, even Sarada dared to smile.

 

…

 

“How about we open the presents now?” Hinata said cheerfully as she picked up the last of the dinner plates from the table. “You must all be so impatient!”

 

Proving her point, the children all hurried to stand from their chairs and ran to the pile of gifts. Behind them, their parents followed, breaking their group into smaller cliques. Kakashi followed Sakura when she went to find Sarada’s gift. At her side, Sarada looked up to her expectantly. If only for now, Sakura was glad that her daughter could be happy and forget about all that pained her. If only it was always so simple.

 

“Here you go, Sarada-chan,” Sakura said, a great smile on her lips as she handed her daughter her gift. “I hope you like it.”

 

Sarada tore apart the wrapping, along with a part of Sakura’s heart. She had put so much effort into making it pretty -- but then again, that was what wrapping paper was meant for.

 

“Woah.” Sarada held the dress up in her hands, eyes looking it up and down slowly in wonder. “It’s like the one you wear in the old pictures, mom!”

 

“It’s a little different,” Sakura began explaining, pointing out the armor inside of it.

 

“Can I wear it for my mission next week?” Sarada asked excitedly, turning to Kakashi. “Eh, Kakashi-san?”

 

“Why don’t you ask your mother?”

 

Sakura’s stomach dropped into her feet once more. Sarada was no longer so young she was blind to the situation around her. “Of course you can, Sarada-chan.”

 

Kakashi placed his palm on the small of her back, comforting her with a smile. Sakura offered him a smile of her own, apologetic. When Sakura noticed the odd way Sarada was watching them, she shifted her weight uncomfortably.

 

“Well, didn’t you get me anything?” Sarada said to Kakashi, holding out her hands.

 

“Did I?” Kakashi pondered, fisting a hand under his chin. “Was I supposed to?”

 

Sarada frowned, tugging on the bottom of Kakashi’s vest. “Of course you were! You always get me presents for my birthday!”

 

Humming, Kakashi picked Sarada up and sat her on his hip. Even big as she had gotten, she was only tall enough to be face to face to Kakashi now. “What would you want, then?”

 

Sarada held onto Kakashi’s vest, eyebrows knitted in thought. “Your mask.”

 

Kakashi laughed, and Sakura soon followed. The mystery of Kakashi’s face had been passed on to the next generation, and Sakura wondered if he would ever reveal it to them.

 

“How about a few training sessions then?”

 

“Really?!” Sarada let out, bouncing in Kakashi’s arms. “You mean it?”

 

Kakashi nodded.

 

Sarada fought against Kakashi’s hold, until he finally put her back down on her own two feet. She pointed at him, accusatory. “Then stop treating me like a child! You have to take me seriously from now on!”

 

“Aah,” Kakashi sighed, turning to Sakura. “How fast they grow. I thought I still had a year or two left with this one before she turned like you.”

 

Sakura slapped his shoulder, frowning playfully. “Idiot.”

 

…

 

Sakura stared straight ahead as she scrubbed, eyes unfocused and set on whatever inconsequential thought managed to occupy her mind for a moment. Sarada and the other children had remained at Naruto’s house for a grand sleepover, and so, Sakura had returned home alone. She had thought she would, maybe, use the childless night to relax. Have a few cups of sake, a bath, maybe even find a copy of Icha Icha to read for herself, after all.

 

Yet, Sakura was in the kitchen, assaulting the stains she had left this afternoon with a discolored rag. When she was done with the stains, she found herself doing the dishes, and then the dusting, and then the sweeping. One task seamlessly became the next. Before she knew it, Sakura had mopped all the floors and even cleaned the bathtub.

 

Now, she was cleaning the inside of the oven.

 

The cheesecake had spilled over just slightly, and now this one burnt-to-crisps bit simply didn’t want to go away. So Sakura scrubbed harder, but it was still as stubborn. Decidedly more stubborn than a piece of burnt cheese, Sakura renewed her efforts, until she finally slipped and instead cracked a fingernail.

 

“Fuck!”

 

Sakura inspected her finger, annoyed to see it bleeding.

 

“Fuck,” she repeated, feeling the anger expanding in her chests as she took deeper and deeper breaths. When her lungs simply couldn’t inflate anymore, it rose up her throat so she could curse louder. “Fuck!”

 

Sakura threw the rag at the oven, annoyed at the tears that gathered in her eyes yet again.

 

What the fuck was she doing here? In an empty house, obsessively cleaning everything that didn’t need to be cleaned?

 

Sakura laughed to herself.

 

“Fuck this bullshit,” she croaked, grabbing the rag to pummel the oven with it. “I’m done!”

 

The oven never groaned under her assault, so Sakura dropped the rag once more. “I’m done. I’m done.”

 

Done with the oven, done with the floors, done with the grocery trips, done with the baking.

 

Done living for a husband that didn’t live for her.

 

Fueled by determination rather than anger, Sakura got to her feet, her features set in stone as she reached for the alcohol cupboard and retrieved her best bottle of sake. She’d kept it for a special occasion -- for Sasuke’s next visit, of course -- but tonight was better, she convinced herself. Then, she headed out, her feet following the clear path her mind had already set for them.

 

Seconds after she’d knocked on his door, Kakashi opened it, a frown on his face when he spotted the bottle. “Who died?”

 

“I did.”

 

For Sakura believed in the truth of it. There had been few of these times in her life -- less than she could count on a hand, infact -- but there was no mistaking the quake that shook her to her core. She had cut her hair on a whim the first time it had happened, and had then finally found her strength. The next had been during her fight with Sasori; that fight had taught her what lengths she would go to protect those she loved. That her hands could kill. Finally, the last had been when she had given birth to Sarada. She had howled in pain for hours, cursing to high heavens. Yet, when she had first held her, it had all been forgotten. No pain would ever be enough to take happiness from her, and strengthened her resolve to hold onto everything she held close to her heart dearly.

 

So dearly that it took more than a decade to understand it wasn’t happiness, and that she had to let it go.

 

Kakashi stepped to the side and allowed her without a word. Sakura could only chuckle internally. How dramatic she was being. While Sakura sat on his bed, Kakashi fished for cups in a drawer of his single dresser. To this day, he still lived in the same tiny studio, as if he had made it his life’s goal to prove one could live with so little. Sakura opened the bottle, leaning forward to fill the glasses he presented. Once she took her own glass, Kakashi grabbed the bottle and set it on the windowsill.

 

Comfortably leaned against the wall, he raised his glass and bumped it with hers with a faint clank.

 

“Sarada didn’t like her gift?” Kakashi asked, eyes set on the wall across from it and the various sheets pinned to it.

 

“Of course she did,” Sakura chuckled. She took a large sip from her glass, all too satisfied when it burned down her throat. “She was happy you came, you know.”

 

‘Someone had to be there.”

 

From the corner of her eyes, Sakura watched Kakashi. Only rarely did he express any frustration for her familial status, and only through implication as he had just done. Sakura hummed. He was right, after all.

 

For a while, they drank in silence, until Sakura huffed and said, “Do you know how long it’s been?”

 

Kakashi shrugged. “Two years? I haven’t seen him myself in at least five.”

 

Sakura nodded. “Two years. Two years, three months and six days.”

 

At her side, Sakura could feel Kakashi tense. His fingers tightened around his glass, just barely, but she didn’t miss it. It was small things like that that should have knocked some sense into her long ago -- it was things they all did whenever they spoke of Sasuke and herself. All of them; it didn’t matter if it was Kakashi, or Naruto, or Tsunade.

 

Sakura couldn’t help but laugh. “My life is everything I wanted when I was a child. I became a ninja, married him, had a beautiful life. I even got to be a housewife.”

 

“Shall we toast?” Kakashi said, incredulous, no doubt hesitant at the sight of the sardonic smirk she plastered on her face.

 

“Yeah. I came here to you in the middle of the night for a toast -- “

 

“It’s only eleven,” Kakashi cut in. “Hardly the middle of the night.”

 

“You don’t have children,” Sakura said pointedly, throwing him a dirty glance.

 

“Point taken.” Kakashi slouched further against the wall, stretching his legs over the end of the bed. “Middle of the night it is.”

 

“I’m not who I wanted to be when I was a child,” Sakura continued, ignoring his antics. She lowered her eyes to the pale liquid in her glass, sloshing it around carefully. “I didn’t grow up to be the person I wanted to be.”

 

Kakashi remained silent, staring straight ahead of him once more.

 

“That’s okay,” Sakura finally said. “What does a child know of the person they should really become?”

 

“What are you getting at, Sakura?” Now, Kakashi was looking, eyes dark and heavy with expectation that made Sakura’s stomach churn. He took the the glass from her hands and set them both on the window sill with the bottle. “What is this?”

 

“I’m done,” Sakura repeated, the same resolve burning in the pit of her stomach as it had in her kitchen. “I’m done.”

 

“Done with what?”

 

Sakura snorted, a smirk on her lips. Nothing but a direct answer would satisfy him, ever. He always needed to prod and needle until she bared her innermost thoughts to him. But that was what she had sought him out for. “I’m getting a divorce.”

 

…

  
  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: Eleven is the Middle of the Night**

 

**___**

  
  


The throbbing of her head was what woke Sakura. Not yet quite conscious, she groaned, throwing an arm over her forehead. She tried to roll over over, but she only bumped into something she didn’t shy away from cursing at. Her feet were numb and her knees felt like they might snap. Stretching her legs and wiggling her toes, Sakura realized she had fallen asleep with them hung over the bed. 

 

“I see you’re in a lovely mood this morning.”

 

Sakura recoiled, eyes now wide open despite the sun shining harshly through the window. 

 

Kakashi only smiled where he lied, propping his head up on his fist. “Do I scare you that much, Sakura-chan?”

 

Scoffing, Sakura jabbed him in the side. “Yeah, right. You’re as scary as a wet kitten.”

 

“Feeling a little more alive today, I see.”

 

It was light-hearted, as Kakashi tended to be despite his stoic image, but it sobered her. Now, Sakura remembered why she was here, how she had come to fall asleep in such an uncomfortable position in a bedroom that wasn’t even hers. Sakura swallowed against her dry throat, anxiety sliding down like slime that stuck to her ribs. She wanted a divorce. She didn’t want to be tied down anymore.

 

A night’s sleep later, Sakura was no longer running off the same determination and anger. Now, the idea of going through with it was terrifying. All aspects of it truly were; how would Sasuke react? Sarada? What would all their friends say? 

 

“Sakura.”

 

Snapped out of her thoughts, Sakura looked at Kakashi besides her. He remained silent, but whatever he would have liked to say was obvious, written clearly on his maskless face. Don’t give up. Don’t disappoint me. And deep down, Sakura knew he was right. Yesterday hadn’t been a spur-of-the-moment change. It had since long been coming. She had simply been true to herself for once. Now, she had to remain so. For her own sanity.

 

“I’ll give him a call today,” Sakura said, sitting up to stare at her lap. “It usually goes straight to voicemail, though.”

 

Kakashi didn’t reply. Instead, he stood up, getting ready for the day. Sakura stood by him, staring down at her feet. She dreaded the phone call more than she was willing to admit. Kakashi put on a fresh shirt, only to stop with it hanging over his head, arms already in the sleeves. He chuckled and stepped closer to her, lowering his sweatshirt to catch her into it. 

 

“You looked cold,” Kakashi said, smiling down at her as he pulled her closer in a tight hug. “Shivering there by yourself.”

 

Trapped against Kakashi’s hard chest and his arms, Sakura laughed. “Silly.”

 

“Silly? Me?” Kakashi feigned shock. “Whatever are you saying?”

 

Kakashi held her tighter, walking towards the bathroom. Confined to the inside of his shirt as she was, Sakura had no choice but to follow, squealing. “Let me go!”

 

“You’re fine right where you are.” 

 

Kakashi grabbed his toothbrush and began brushing his teeth. 

 

Sakura pouted, twisting inside his shirt to face the sink. “Then you’ll have to brush my teeth too. I have no arms.” Laughing, Sakura stretched her arms against his shirt, watching it expand. “Don’t you think it’s ridiculous that I can fit in your shirt with you and there’s  _ still _ plenty of room?”

 

Kakashi only shrugged. “That’s just how I like it.”

 

Watching how ridiculous they looked in the mirror, Sakura could only smile. “Me too.”

 

…

 

Sakura sat on the edge of her bed, wet hair still dripping down her back. After leaving Kakashi’s apartment, her morning had quickly become routine again. Though Sarada wasn’t there to cook breakfast for, Sakura went about the rest of the morning all the same. The largest chunk of it was taking care of the garden, which always left her dirty and needing a bath. During winter, she was free of this task, though now that spring was there, it meant replanting the whole garden. 

 

Sarada was downstairs, watching tv and waiting for lunch to be prepared. 

 

Sighing, Sakura stared at the phone in her hands. Her daughter had never so much as had the chance to say a word to her father, and here she was, divorcing him. Laughing to herself, Sakura shook her head. That he had let such a thing happen was exactly why she wanted a divorce in the first place. Sarada deserved a father. A divorce wouldn’t fix this, but at least Sakura could tell herself she would no longer accept what he put them through with her mouth shut.

 

Inhaling deeply, Sakura punched his number on the phone with trembling fingers.

 

Each time the phone rang, Sakura’s heart skipped a beat. She shut her eyes, desperately trying to soothe her nerves. Silently, she reminded herself, again and again, that she was doing the right thing. 

 

Finally, the voicemail took over the ringing. 

 

“Sasuke-kun.” Sakura paused, staring at her knees. “I’d hoped you would pick up this time, but I guess you’re busy?” Of course, no answer came, so Sakura sighed. “I have something I really need to talk to you about. It’s… It’s very important. Please call me soon.” Sakura swallowed the lump in her throat, rubbing the bridge of her nose. “So… Call me. Bye.”

 

Exhaling a shaky breath, Sakura hung up. Hopefully, he would take her seriously this time and not take weeks to call her back.

 

“Mom!” Sarada called from the downstairs, plaintive. “When are you making lunch? I’m starving!”

 

“I’m coming, honey,” Sakura replied, hurrying to her dresser for fresh clothes. “I’ll be down in a minute.”

 

…

 

Sakura had to fight tears as she fussed over Sarada’s qipao dress. Perhaps the memory of her own first mission was what made her so antsy, but she hardly cared. Her baby was grown, and she now finally understood why her mother had done everything to stall her that morning when she’d first left with Team Seven. Sarada was so beautiful to her eyes right now. She had grown so tall. Even the features of her once baby face were growing into sharper lines. She would certainly become quite the beauty in just a few years. 

 

“Mom,” Sarada complained. “I’m not going away forever. It’s fine.”

 

“She’s right, you know,” Kakashi reassured, though Sakura could tell a laugh wasn’t so far away in his throat. “It’s only a few days.”

 

“Thanks for the lesson, Kakashi-san.” Prying Sakura’s hands from her, Sarada moved away to give Kakashi a hug. “It was really cool!”

 

“How about you call me Kakashi-sensei now, hm?” Kakashi patted the top of her head, chuckling. 

 

Sarada frowned and shook her head. “No, that’s what I call Shikamaru-sensei.”

 

Reminded of his presence, Sakura turned towards Shikamaru. As to be expected, he looked bored and unaffected, patiently waiting for the parents to say goodbye to his students. “You take good care of them, you hear me?”

 

Shikamaru only nodded, but the dismissive gesture didn’t worry her. Shikamaru had a child of his own now, and so she trusted he understood how she felt perfectly. Most of all, that if anything happened to her daughter, he wouldn’t live to see the next sunrise either.

 

“Time to go,” Shikamaru said tersely. 

 

Without waiting for any reply, he began walking, turning his back to everyone.

 

Sarada, Chun and Bolt followed after him excitedly, waving behind at their parents. Watching their little backs become smaller and smaller in the distance, Sakura was torn between pride and disappointment. They were more and more independent by the day, and Sakura knew she would soon see her daughter only every now and then. Sarada would always be away on missions, or training -- just as Sakura had been herself. 

 

Behind her, Kakashi, Hinata and Tenten made small talk. Forcing a smile on her lips, Sakura joined them. 

 

Tenten gave her arm a playful slap, smirking. “C’mon, Sakura. They’ll be back before we know it.”

 

“Why don’t you take some time to enjoy yourself?” Hinata offered gently. “It’s so unusual to have time by ourselves without our children.”

 

Sakura nodded politely. Rude as it was, Sakura had never taken much of a liking to either women. Hinata had always struck her as far too polite to be genuine, leaving one to wonder what her true thoughts were. On the other hand, Tenten spoke her mind too directly to Sakura’s tastes, always having something harsh to say about others’ business. Although, perhaps it had been a learned trait. Unlike the other women of their group, Tenten had never married. Chun’s father’s identity was unknown to them all and Tenten willingly kept it so.

 

“Well, I’ve got to get going,” Tenten said, waving to them. “The shop won’t sell weapons all by itself!”

 

“I have to go get Himawari from Ino-chan,” Hinata said. “I’ll see you soon.”

 

“See you soon,” Sakura said to them both, waving them goodbye. 

 

Once they were far enough away, Kakashi spoke up. “Did you call him?”

 

Sakura sighed. As much as he appeared otherwise, Kakashi was not a patient man. “I did.”

 

“And?” He raised an eyebrow, as if offended he wasn’t given an immediate and detailed answer. 

 

“And he didn’t answer,” Sakura snapped, heading home with Kakashi on her heels. “I told you he wouldn’t.”

 

Kakashi followed in silence, hands shoved in his pocket. Though he didn’t speak again, Sakura knew he was hardly satisfied by her answer. 

 

“I left him a voicemail,” she finally said. “I told him I need to talk to him, soon.”

 

No response came from Kakashi. He didn’t need to say anything for Sakura to understand what point he was driving home -- even if Sakura reached out to Sasuke for something dire, he wouldn’t contact her anyway. For a long time, Sakura had been satisfied to know it was because he trusted Naruto and the others to care for her in case of an emergency, but no longer. She wasn’t married to everyone else.

 

Maybe Sakura would actually listen to Hinata -- it was time she thought of herself a little.

...

 

Sakura spun on one side, then on the other, watching her reflection in the mirror. The last time she had worn this dress was at a fundraiser for the hospital. It hadn’t been her duty to attend, but Shizune had convinced her to come, if not only for an excuse to drink expensive cocktails and wear fancy dresses. Sarada hadn’t entered the academy yet. Pursing her lips, she adjusted the fabric at her hips. Though it did hug her body closely, it was rather modest. Simple, elegant, and tasteful, without being too dressy.

 

Sakura sucked in a long breath and finally slipped on the same heels she had worn with the dress at the fundraiser.  As she walked down to the living room, they clicked on the wooden stairs. Smiling to herself, Sakura remembered how much satisfaction she had always found in that sound. It was a sound she’d always associated with being feminine, put together, and being beautiful.

 

Once she walked past her couch, Sakura snatched her purse and headed for the door. The sun had set quite a while ago and she had stalled more than enough already. She was just going out for a drink. By herself. As she used to do, occasionally, in the small window of time after the war, but before being married to Sasuke. Truthfully, it was a rather bad habit she’d picked up from Tsunade.

 

At the door, Sakura stopped and looked back inside, opening her mouth to tell Sarada she wouldn’t be back before late. Before the words left her throat, Sakura stopped herself. Rare sleepover aside, Sarada had always been there at this hour. Today, she was on her first mission with Bolt and Chun.

 

With a shaky smile, Sakura shut the door behind her and walked towards the center of the village. Somewhere in between Kakashi’s apartment and the Hokage tower, there was a bar Sakura vaguely remembered visiting a few times. Sometimes with Tsunade and Shizune, sometimes with Kakashi. Before the novelty wore off, Sakura went every night with Tsunade, following her mentor’s lead and drinking herself to numerous hangovers. Then it had been with Kakashi, when she couldn’t muster a smile and he knew alcohol would at least stave off the tears. 

 

At the entrance, Sakura hesitated. “The Rusty Kunai,” read the signboard. Sakura had long forgotten the name. A hard swallow and a huff later, Sakura pushed the door open and walked inside with a confident stride. Though, realistically, she knew she was in no threatening situation, Sakura remembered Tsunade drilling into her the importance of  _ appearing _ confident. Back straight, a smile, long, purposeful strides. 

 

Sakura sat at the bar, not too far from the bartender. “I’ll have a small bottle of sake.”

 

The bartender nodded, turned, then turned again to face her. “Haruno-san?”

 

“Yes, that’s me,” Sakura said, wide eyes blinking. “How do you know my name?”

 

“It’s hard to forget the Hokage’s pupil, with pink hair no less!” he laughed, his voice gruff and loud from age and, no doubt, dealing with rowdy patrons. “Your buddy still comes, but he never answers any questions about you. Good customer, that lad, but he ain’t talkative.”

 

Sakura offered a nervous laugh, touching her fingertips to her cheek. She didn’t recognize the man one bit, but now guessed he was the owner. “Ah, Kakashi-sensei? No, he isn’t…”

 

“Here you go.” He placed a bottle of sake before Sakura, then moved on to wiping glasses in the same absentminded manner he had been when she first entered. “Waiting for someone tonight? Because --”

 

Immediately, Sakura could feel her cheeks heating up. “Oh, no, no, I’m not,” she said quickly, waving her hands above the counter. “I just wanted a drink tonight. It’s been a long time.”

 

It was a blatant lie, but he just gave a half smile. “That kinda night, huh? I won’t bother you, then. Holler if you need anything else, the name’s Ichiro.”

 

“Okay. Thank you.”

 

Cheeks finally cooling down, Sakura poured her first cup and took a long sip from it, sending heat right back to her cheeks. From the corner of her eyes, she could scan only a small part of the bar -- it was bigger than she remembered, actually, but that was no surprise, considering the size of Konoha’s shinobi population. There were men her age, or close enough, sitting here and there, some by themselves, some with others, probably their teammates. 

 

The first time she had been here, it only took being alone for a few minutes before a boy her age had come up to her, offering a free drink. She had turned him down immediately, flustered and feeling as if that small an event was an affront to her loyalty. Then, she had learned to live with it and even appreciate it, just a little. Not long after, she was heavily pregnant with Sarada and such outings stopped for a long time. With Kakashi, no one dared approach, whether or not he left her side for a moment.

 

Now, Sakura couldn’t remember the last time she had been called beautiful. Nor by whom. It could have been Sasuke -- he did compliment her, even if only occasionally. Naruto did like to make a big scene every time she dressed up even just a little. Or it could have been Ino, or any one of the girls. Sakura didn’t know.

 

First cup empty, Sakura filled it again. With the cup to her lips, she drank quietly, playing with her hair. She had let it grow out again, because Sasuke liked it so. It didn’t feel quite as soft as in youth, though, which Sakura lamented. No matter what she tried, she couldn’t bring back its luster or softness anymore. Her stomach had become softer, too, forgetting years of hard training. Her once taut skin was now marred with stretch marks from her pregnancy, forever a little too loose. Though Ino liked to try and convince her otherwise, Sakura was certain she was growing more wrinkles by the day. 

 

Sakura refilled her cup once more. Another glance around her showed her many a jonin in the uniform she had once proudly worn herself. She still held the rank, of course, though it hardly meant anything anymore. She was retired. Sakura stared down into her cup, frowning. The Rusty Kunai. Obviously, ninja crowded a bar with such a name. Did she really have any business here anymore? Retired, at nineteen. She’d hardly ever been a ninja. 

 

Yet, she had been strong, she had been to war. She had achieved so much. Only to sit here more than a decade later, not a single notch added to her belt. 

 

“Three beers, old man.”

 

Sakura was snapped out of her daze and looked to her side to find one of the jonin her age she’d seen sitting with his teammates. Noticing her eyes on him, he smiled, and Sakura returned it.

 

“Celebrating?” he asked. He was tall, almost as tall as Kakashi, with dark hair and a scar running the length of his cheek. 

 

“Just a little,” Sakura answered, spinning on her stool just enough to turn towards him. “It’s not a big party by myself.”

 

Ichiro handed him his beers. The jonin took them and began turning away. “Well, it was nice seeing you, Uchiha-san.”

 

Sakura’s smile fell as he left. She had never officially taken Sasuke’s name. Sasuke had never cared, so long as Sarada carried his name. Sakura had wanted to keep her name, because it was all that was truly hers. Haruno Sakura had defeated Sasori. Haruno Sakura had been the Fifth’s apprentice. Haruno Sakura had surpassed her mentor. 

 

Sakura turned back towards the bar and finished the last of her bottle. She’d already wasted three quarters of an hour here and money she could have spent on blueberries instead. Sitting stiffly, she slipped a bill on the counter towards Ichiro. 

 

“Calling it a night so soon, Sakura-chan?”

 

Sakura nearly jumped out of her skin. Looking over her shoulder, she found Kakashi behind her. Immediately, her hands fumbled to try and hide her dress  _ somehow _ , fanning over her chest, pulling the straps back up her shoulders. “Don’t surprise me like that!”

 

“That was hardly my intention.” Kakashi took a seat besides her and leaned on the bar, smiling under his mask. “I was sitting over there all along.”

 

Sakura looked in the direction he nodded towards, mortified to find Kurenai, Anko and Yamato sitting together at a table. 

 

“Here I was thinking you were buying us a bottle,” Kakashi said, catching her attention again, “but you never came to sit with us.”

 

“I just wanted a drink by myself,” Sakura muttered, facing the bar again so she wouldn’t have to endure Kakashi’s teasing face to face. 

 

“Shall I order another bottle, then?” 

 

Sakura shook her head firmly, pushing off the stool to stand. “No. I was just heading home. You should go back to your friends.”

 

“I’ll walk you home.” Kakashi was at her side already, hands shoved into his pockets.

 

“You’re just going to leave like that?” Sakura said, a frown on her face, though she should hardly be surprised. 

 

Outside, Sakura tried to hide a shiver. It was still only late spring, a little early to be dressing so lightly. With each step, Sakura remembered why she had never worn these shoes again. They hurt. 

 

“Better leave now. The bill hasn’t come yet.”

 

“Of course,” Sakura huffed, shaking her head, only to be annoyed with her hair when it tickled her cheeks. “I should’ve guessed.”

 

Silence fell between them as they walked, leaving Sakura’s mind free to wander by itself. Goosebumps on her skin, she crossed her arms over her chest. Kakashi’s hand was on her back immediately, though nothing but a touch to keep her walking at his pace. How humiliating, Sakura thought, narrowed eyes lowered to her feet. Seeking any scraps of attention so deliberately and desperately -- what had come over her? Worst of all, to be watched by her former colleagues doing so, and failing no less. She had grown old and been foolish enough to not even see it happening.

 

Tears stinging the corner of her eyes, Sakura clenched her jaw. There Kakashi stood next to her, in ninja uniform, while she wore a fancy dress and heels. Though it struck her harder tonight, she couldn’t remember when she had begun hating this. Never had Kakashi made her feel any guilt for it, but it was impossible to ignore. She had shed her identity as a ninja to be a mere civilian, a fraction of what she’d once been.

 

“A bit cold, isn’t it?” 

 

Sakura looked up at Kakashi, startled. “I’m fine.”

 

“Of course you are,” he said, sliding his hand down her back to her hip. He pulled her closer to him, until she had no choice but to lean against his side. “You always are.”

 

Though she swatted at his chest, a small smile forced itself on her lips. 

 

As soon as they were inside, Sakura dropped her purse on the couch, shoulders drooping. When she felt Kakashi’s hand on her arm, she hummed in surprise. Carefully, he tugged until she’d backed up against the wall. Kakashi stepped in front of her, looking down at her with quiet eyes that made her heart flutter. 

 

“That’s a nice dress,” he said, fingers playing about the straps.

 

Red in the cheeks, Sakura fumbled with its ridges on her stomach. “I -- I felt like dressing up a little for once.”

 

“You look stunning tonight,” Kakashi said, cheeky smile under his mask.

 

Sakura pursed her lips, swatting at his chest playfully. Of course he’d seen right through her. He always did. “Stop being silly.”

 

But Kakashi only moved closer, sliding one hand down to her thigh so he could hold it up against his hip and press his body to hers. Sakura gasped, hands fisting in his shirt. 

 

“I’m not kidding, Sakura.”

 

By the time Kakashi’s fingers snaked under her dress, caressing her skin and working their way up, Sakura had long lost her voice. Goosebumps rose on her skin again, though for a very different reason than they previously had. Kakashi leaned down, brushing his lips against her neck. Her grabbed her other thigh, hoisting her up and rolling his hips into hers. Sakura inhaled sharply, legs locking around him for safety. Already, she could feel him hard against her. 

 

Sakura bit her lip, shutting her eyes. However much she tried to hide it, this had been what she’d sought out tonight. Feeling wanted. To feel that fire in the pit of her stomach again. To be touched. To remember what it felt like to be fucked more than once every few years. 

 

Kakashi progressed quickly, pulling the straps down her arms and then shoving the dress down together with her bra to expose her breasts. Hurried, Kakashi tugged his gloves off. His warm hand around her breast, Sakura bit back a groan. 

 

“Should I keep reading Icha Icha now?” Kakashi teased, whispering against her ear. 

 

Sakura swallowed hard, fingers tangled in the back of his sweatshirt. When he didn’t receive an answer, he carried Sakura to the couch and laid her down on it, already impatient to pull her dress down further. Sakura caught the opposite end of it, preventing him from exposing her stomach. 

 

“Kakashi.”

 

Kakashi froze. His eyes remained on hers, but he was stiff. 

 

“I…” Sakura breathed out. “I’m married. I -- “

 

“You’re getting divorced,” he said, so matter-of-fact that Sakura wanted to slap the confusion from his face. 

 

“But I’m not yet.”

 

Kakashi let go of her dress, instead placing his hands on both sides of her head to hover over her. “What does it matter?”

 

With him so close, feeling so warm, Sakura wanted nothing more than to pull him down and beg him not to stop. She couldn’t, though. Not with the guilt of knowing what she was doing. Not with the shame of letting him see how different she would look from what he expected. 

 

“I don’t want to do this to him,” Sakura breathed out, hands limp at her sides. “It’s not fair.”

 

“Fair?” Kakashi spat, incredulous. “Do you think he cares about what’s fair to you?”

 

Sakura opened her mouth to speak, but no sound came out. 

 

Kakashi didn’t relent. “You want to live for yourself now. So do it.”

 

“And that means sleeping with you?” Sakura said, finding her voice again. “Why?”

 

“I’m not blind nor stupid, Sakura.” He ran one hand up the inside of her thigh, raising more goosebumps on the skin he touched, until his palm pressed against her sex. “You didn’t go to that bar for nothing.”

 

Though her body begged to for the opposite, Sakura found herself fighting Kakashi off of her. “What is wrong with you?!”

 

Kakashi stumbled off of her, landing on the floor and the table besides her. 

 

“Living for me doesn’t mean cheating on my husband!” Sakura struggled to pull her dress back up, finding it stuck. “It doesn’t mean just throwing myself at another man right away just to be tied down again!”

 

Kakashi stood clumsily, knocking a candle from the table. “This isn’t -- “

 

“Then what  _ is _ it?” Sakura snatched a pillow from the couch, trying to regain whatever modesty she could whilst being half-naked. “You just suddenly wanted to fuck me tonight, out of nowhere?”

 

Kakashi was silent, visibly swallowing hard. 

 

Seeing him at such a loss for words, Sakura deflated. She hadn’t meant to blow up on him. Not when he’d be the only one to be there for her -- to be there for Sarada, practically since her birth. He was more of a father to her than Sasuke would ever be. 

 

“Kakashi… I…”

 

Kakashi kneeled in front of her, eyes level with hers. “You’re right. This isn’t out of nowhere.”

 

Heart hammering in her chest, Sakura stared into his eyes, terrified. 

 

“And you know it.” He slipped his hands behind the cushion she clutched, holding her hips gently. “You aren’t surprised.”

 

Sakura didn’t bother to try to lie. She’d never given it any thought, but it was easy to see. Kakashi had acted as her husband for a decade, whenever it wasn’t inappropriate to do so. He carried groceries for her, took care of her, the house and Sarada when she was sick, bought her daughter birthday gifts she couldn’t afford… All without any of the benefits. None of it had been for his own self-interest. 

 

“Even now,” Kakashi whispered, leaning closer until their lips almost touched. “You don’t mind me touching you.”

 

Sakura hardly knew how to respond. Whatever she did, she wouldn’t be okay with. She could throw all her doubts away and keep going, but the guilt would be horrible. And then what? Would she then have to give up her freedom for him, too? Then if she didn’t do this, she would feel guilty anyway. Guilty for accepting Kakashi’s kindness for so long, knowing in the back of her mind what had motivated it but never refusing it or reciprocating in kind. 

 

“Sakura.”

 

Sakura snapped back to attention, looking back up at him. 

 

“I think I had a little too much to drink,” he chuckled, goofy smile plastered on his face. “I got carried away.”

 

Sakura slumped back into her seat, avoiding meeting his eyes. It was so like him. To act as if nothing happened, like he wasn’t hurt or affected in any way. But she knew him better than that, and he knew her better as well.

 

“Maybe you need this more than I do.”

 

Sakura yelped when a book landed in her lap. Catching the orange hue of it even in the darkness, she could already guess it was Kakashi’s favorite Icha Icha novel. Immediately, she grabbed it and handed it back to him. “Take that back!”

 

Kakashi only winked as he made his way to the door. “Have fun tonight. You need it.”

 

With a frustrated growl, Sakura threw the book at the door, but Kakashi had already closed it behind him. How impossible could that man be! 

 

Regardless, after a few minutes of sulking by herself, Sakura stood and picked the book up. Upstairs, in her bedroom, she turned on the light and stood in front of her mirror. Her dress was still bunched around her ribs, bra awkwardly shoved under her breasts. With a sigh, Sakura removed her bra. Her breasts, though they did look different than before she’d had Sarada, were still fine. A tad less perky, with small stretch marks on the sides from when they had swelled with milk, but they were okay. 

 

Sakura removed the rest of her clothing, resting her hands on her stomach. She had been careful not to put on any weight -- which had been a struggle for quite a while. She could no longer afford to eat a quarter of the food she used to when she was training. Her stomach had taken a while to adjust. What it had never snapped back from, however, was her pregnancy. Long, thick white lines marred her skin. If it wasn’t bad enough, the skin was droopy, forming an unattractive pouch. Long gone were the days of a taut, hard stomach. 

 

What stuck to her the most was that it was this flaw -- more than anything else -- that had made her stop. It had terrified her to allow Kakashi to see her like this. Sakura was well aware it wasn’t rational, but she couldn’t help but believe he’d be sorely disappointed and might wish he hadn’t seen her at all afterwards. 

 

Sakura dropped on the corner of her bed with a sigh. Not her husband, her integrity, or anything. Vanity had stopped her. How could she get angry at Kakashi when she was the bad one? 

 

_ “Have fun,” _ he’d said. Sakura harrumphed. She could be angry at him all she wanted. 

 

From the corner of her eye, she spotted the book higher up on her bed. Maybe he did have a point. It certainly would help her cool down.


	3. Magazine-Ready Bullshit Housewife

**Chapter 3: Magazine-Ready Bullshit Housewife**

 

**__**

 

Sakura couldn’t tell what was the most odd. How unfamiliar the hospital had become to her, or how every nurse and doctor didn’t notice her presence as if she were here every day. No one had asked what business she had being here or tried to stop her from entering Tsunade’s office without requesting permission first. If anything, it brought a small grin to Sakura’s lips. For once upon a time, when she walked through these same halls, often times with blood-stained scrubs, there would be whispers of wonder following her. 

 

“Who do you think you are?!”

 

But such a time was so, so far behind her now. “I wanted to talk with you, Shishou.”

 

Tsunade scowled, reclining in her large chair. “You could at least knock.”

 

“Is that really necessary?” Sakura sighed, dropping in the chair across Tsunade pettily.

 

“Get on with it then.” Tsunade waved a dismissive hand, turning her eyes back down to the pile of paperwork before her. “Don’t waste my time.”

 

“I thought sake was never a waste of your time.”

 

Now, Sakura had Tsunade’s full attention as she held up a bottle of sake. 

 

“Now you’re speaking my language.” Smirk on her smug face, Tsunade set aside her work and put her feet up on her desk. “What can I do for you?”

 

Sakura placed the bottle on her mentor’s desk. Like clockwork, Tsunade fished for cups in the bottommost drawer and let Sakura fill them. 

 

As she was prone to lately, Sakura hesitated, but seeing the impatience working its way on Tsunade’s face, she was quick to regain her composure. “I want to work again.”

 

Much to Sakura’s dismay, Tsunade burst out laughing.

 

“Shishou!”

 

“Whatever happened to that little husband of yours, hm?” Tsunade’s fingers danced around the rim of her cup before she picked it up and finished it. Sakura refilled it for her. “Suddenly he’s not too good to let you work? Did he let you off your leash?”

 

“Shishou!”

 

“What?” Tsunade laughed, cup to her lips. “That’s all he’s ever done to you -- tie a collar around your neck and expect you to be his lovesick puppy. And you did that very well.”

 

“Just for once, can you -- “

 

“Can I  _ what _ ?” Tsunade barked. “Take pity on you? When you come begging for work after I offered you the job of your dreams and you turned it down?”

 

Sakura ground her teeth, narrowed eyes set on Tsunade’s arrogant gaze. Fingers tight around her cup, she did her best to regulate her breathing. “Don’t treat me like the child I once was.”

 

Tsunade hummed, raising an eyebrow. “Don’t you mean like the child you still are?”

 

Sakura stood, slamming her palms down on Tsunade’s lavish desk. “I am  _ not _ a child. I never will be again.”

 

Tsunade held her glare. Sakura’s heart hammered in her chest, but she refused to back down. Not again. Not when Tsunade had done nothing but mock her decisions for the past decade -- no matter how right she had been, Sakura was sick of it.

 

“ _ This _ ,” Tsunade said slowly, putting her feet down to lean closer to Sakura, “is what I want to see.”

 

All at once, the wind was knocked out of Sakura and she dropped back in her chair. Sakura pressed her fingers to her forehead, tempted to laugh. This was how it always with Tsunade. She would beat Sakura again and again and again -- until she finally found it within herself to lash out with everything she had. And every time, she would be surprised just how much she could give.

 

“What happened?” Tsunade asked, resuming her relaxed position and sake consumption.

 

“What do you mean, what happened?” Sakura growled. “I told you, I’m here for a job.”

 

“Don’t give me that bullshit.” Tsunade pushed Sakura’s cup closer to her with the tip of her foot. “Drink. Talk.”

 

With a deep sigh, Sakura emptied her cup. Tsunade refilled it and shoved it towards her again. Sakura emptied it again. Now, Tsunade looked at her expectantly. Angry frown lining her forehead, Sakura refilled her cup once more and downed it. She struggled to find the right words, not wanting to hear her mentor’s  _ I told you so _ .

 

“I want to work,” Sakura finally said. “I want to pick up my life where I left it.”

 

“Wouldn’t that be just so convenient?” Tsunade snorted. 

 

“I’ve had enough,” Sakura snapped, leaning forward in her seat, elbows digging into her thighs. “Of being nothing more than a magazine-ready bullshit housewife. Of watching all of you adorning the uniform I loved so dearly while I knit a fucking sweater. Of your godawful snotty attitude when all I want is for you to be there for me!”

 

Once more, Tsunade laughed, tangling her hands in her lap. “Look if it isn’t potty mouth Sakura rearing her head once more. You want my help?” she said, slower, quieter. “Keep up that attitude and you’ve got it.”

 

Sakura reclined in her seat, muscles stiff and jaw tight. 

 

Tsunade smiled, rubbing the edge of her cup to her lips. “You’ve got just the same look you did when you came to me twenty years ago. I missed it. Why did you ever lose that?”

 

With a long sigh, Sakura deflated in her seat. It was a great question -- one she wished she had a true answer to. Instead, she was left to ponder exactly when she had given up all her ambitions for Sasuke. All her hard work, gone the instant she had said,  _ “I do.” _

 

“I’m going to ask for a divorce,” Sakura admitted, eyes fixated on the floor.

 

“I thought as much,” Tsunade said. Sakura was already straightening in her seat to fight whatever insults Tsunade would throw at her, but Tsunade spoke quicker. “Come train with me tomorrow morning.”

 

Mouth agape with irrelevant arguments, Sakura was at a loss for words. When Tsunade showed signs of beginning her “don’t be a fish” routine, Sakura nodded firmly. “Yes, Shishou.”

 

…

 

Sakura stared down at the food she was preparing. It had been quite the chilly day, so Sakura had settled on a hot pot. Simple enough, but also rather tasty. Cutting carrots and radishes and cabbage was an easy, consuming task. Or so she tried to pretend. Kakashi was sitting across from her, an open can of beer waiting by his hand. 

 

Kakashi stared at her and Sakura made it a point to ignore him. 

 

“You don’t have to ignore me because of the other night -- “

 

“Kakashi!” Sakura snapped in hushed tones. 

 

Sarada was upstairs and didn’t need to hear any of this. She was already becoming too sharp for Sakura’s liking and making her aware of such private matters was not an offense Sakura would tolerate. 

 

“She can’t hear us. Let me finish.” 

 

Lips tight, Sakura refocused on her cutting technique. It just might come in handy. 

 

“Nothing needs to change,” Kakashi continued. “I made a mistake. That’s all.”

 

“That’s all?” Sakura looked up from her knife, eyes wide and mouth hanging open. “That’s all? What you were saying wasn’t  _ just _ \-- “

 

“Forget what I said,” Kakashi interrupted, reaching across the counter to still Sakura’s cutting hand. “It doesn’t matter. Things are fine the way they are.”

 

“Are they?” Sakura whispered, putting the knife down. “Are they really?”

 

“Yes,” Kakashi said quickly, retracting his hand.

 

A new weight on her shoulders, Sakura looked up at Kakashi through her lashes. Though he was adamant in his response, Sakura doubted the extent of its truthfulness. Just like that night, Sakura felt trapped. No answer was the right answer. Allowing things to be as they were was equivalent to taking advantage of Kakashi, Sakura felt. On the other hand, what he had proposed then was equally unfair. 

 

When Kakashi stood from his chair to walk around the counter and to her, Sakura watched him carefully. He put one hand on each side of her down on the counter, then leaned down until his chin brushed against her shoulder. 

 

“You really were beautiful in that dress. That much I meant,” Kakashi whispered, keeping one eye on the stairs. Confirming Sarada was nowhere close, he placed one hand on Sakura’s side and slid it down to her hip. This time, she wasn’t wearing a fancy dress, only a ratty old tee shirt. “Can you really blame me for wanting to fuck you?”

 

Goosebumps rose on the skin where his breath fanned. Sakura held her breath, desperately hanging onto any shred of integrity she still had. Regardless of the vastly graver subject at hand, Sakura’s mind conjured a hundred scenarios of how this could become much more pleasant for both of them. But Sakura swallowed hard, ignoring all of them and the throbbing in her crotch. If Kakashi was willing to do this to make her believe his lie, the least she could do was accept it. 

 

“No.”

 

It wasn’t even a lie. It was exactly what she had sought -- though she hadn’t marked him as her target. 

 

Kakashi gave her hip a last squeeze and returned to his seat. “I’m only a man, after all.”

 

Sakura shot him an annoyed glance, busying herself with her chopping duties again. “Yes, you are.”

 

“And you’re only a woman.”

 

Sakura ignored him. She knew exactly what he meant, but she wouldn’t bite. If he wanted normalcy, she couldn’t. In silent anger, Sakura dropped the rest of the veggies in the pot. She loved Kakashi, she really did. He had been the only one to truly be there for her when she had been alone. Even before her marriage, Kakashi was there. He was her best friend. Somewhere along the years, he had taken on a role that wasn’t his and Sakura had never said a word about it -- or even minded. Until now. 

 

What right did he have to step in and fill Sasuke’s shoes without ever asking for any sort of permission? He only did it. Because Kakashi did what Kakashi wanted. Now here she was, stuck between another hard place and a rock. Always. Always owing someone, never able to do something just because  _ she _ wanted to. 

 

She could have told Kakashi to go fuck himself. But she couldn’t. She couldn’t because she was as desperate for his help and presence -- as much as she had been craving anyone paying any attention to her at the bar. Because if she did tell him to go fuck himself and he did, what would she have left? It was her fault, too, truly, for not putting Kakashi back in his place a long, long time ago. She had allowed this. She had allowed her daughter to see him as a second father. 

 

This one, at least, was present.

 

“Glaring at the water won’t make it boil.”

 

Startled, Sakura realized she hadn’t turned the stove on after dumping the vegetables in the pot. Wiping a palm down her face, Sakura inhaled deeply. Kakashi’s voice was light and teasing, as if she had imagined their whole conversation. When she glanced at him over her shoulder, she found him with a smile on his face, pushing the can of beer towards her.

 

“Need a drink?”

 

“Take that nasty thing out of my sight.” Sakura never drank beer. She hated it. Yet, she always had some in the fridge. “I need something stronger.”

 

Kakashi’s silly smile only grew.

 

“Don’t you dare. Wipe that off your face before I do it myself.”

 

“How about I get started on the dishes?” Kakashi offered, taking the knife out of her reach. “Go read a book or something.”

 

Internally, Sakura screamed and pulled the hair out of her scalp. Outwardly, Kakashi looked perfectly innocent and quiet, but she knew he was poking fun at it all. He did well to take that knife away before she could get to it. 

 

“Are you sure you can do that?” Sakura said sweetly, cocking her head to the side. “Don’t go breaking your back or anything, old man. I can handle the dishes.”

 

This time, Kakashi hardly reacted to being called an old man. He wasn’t old yet -- only forty-six -- but he wasn’t young anymore either. Fake smile erased from her face, Sakura took her place besides Kakashi to dry the dishes he washed. 

 

With Sarada’s steps coming down the stairs, Sakura pushed the thoughts to the back of her mind.

 

“Is dinner ready soon?” she asked as she jogged in the kitchen. “I’m starving.”

 

“It’ll be a little while more, sweetie,” Sakura said, nodding to the chair at the counter. “Why don’t you have a seat and stay with us while we wait?”

 

Sarada did as suggested, crossing her arms on the hard tiles of the counter. 

 

“Did you like your first mission?” Kakashi looked over his shoulder at Sarada, any tension gone. “I think Naruto still has scars from his.”

 

Sakura snorted. “He does.”

 

The most obvious was the one on his hand -- from sticking a kunai through his own palm.

 

“No,” Sarada said, toying with a leftover carrot slice. “It was really boring, actually. What about you, Kakashi-san? I bet you have better stories to tell.”

 

Discreetly, Sakura glanced at Kakashi from the corner of her eye, knowing well what a sore subject his childhood was.

 

“Actually, I don’t,” he said, affecting his trademark smile. “So make sure to have good ones to tell me from now on, hm?”

 

Sakura smiled to herself. If anything, Kakashi knew how to handle anything Sarada threw his way.

 

“Liar.”

 

Sakura twisted her neck to stare at Sarada, taken aback. 

 

“Do you really think I can’t read a few public records?” 

 

Eyes wide and mouth agape, Sakura was frozen where she stood. Kakashi’s hand stilled on the plate he was washing. 

 

“I’m not a baby anymore,” Sarada said coolly. “I’m not stupid. You don’t have to hide what being a ninja really is from me.”

 

Sakura turned back towards the dishes, doing her best to hide the fear in her eyes. Sarada had always been smart for a such a little girl -- she had even been the one to be adamant about entering the academy when Sakura was against it. Of course, Sasuke had never had any qualms about it. Sakura swallowed hard, trying to regulate her breathing. Now more than ever, it terrified her. The world was more peaceful than it had ever been, but shinobi were shinobi. Sarada would know the same hardships they all did.

 

“You’re right,” Kakashi finally said, turning around to lean against the sink. “I lied and you’re not a baby anymore.” 

 

Sarada’s eyes were on him, expectant.

 

Kakashi stepped closer to Sarada, reaching across the counter to tip her chin up so she would look him in the eye. “So be a big girl and think before you ask questions.”

 

“Kakashi -- “

 

“I’m not scared,” Sarada declared. Scared as she was, a hint of pride still bloomed in Sakura’s heart. Where she sat, glaring at Kakashi fiercely, Sarada reminded her so much of her father. She could only hope such strength and determination would never leave her daughter. “And I have a lot of questions.”

 

“Ask away.”

 

“Kakashi!” Sakura scolded. “That’s not -- “

 

“It’s fine,” Kakashi reassured, offering a gentle smile. “Don’t worry.”

 

Sakura deflated, fingers weakly gripping the edge of the counter. Kakashi returned his attention to Sarada, crossing his arms over his chest.

 

“Why is my father never here?”

 

Sakura’s heart broke a little further, but she remained silent, watching Kakashi and Sarada from a distance. 

 

“Because he believes he has greater things to take care of,” Kakashi answered. 

 

Sakura wanted to protest, but she didn’t. 

 

“Is he really my father?” Sarada sat there, unbudging, eyes hard as stone.

 

“Yes.”

 

“Is that another lie?” she asked, anxiety barely peeking through her facade. “Are you or are you not my real father?”

 

“What?” Sakura sputtered. “Of course he isn’t! Why would ask such a question?”

 

“Then why is here?”Sarada shouted, slamming her little fists down on the counter. “Why was he  _ always _ here?!”

 

“Because your father isn’t here,” Kakashi answered, with such calm that Sakura couldn’t imagine currently having. “Because your mother is a dear friend of mine and her family is my family.”

 

“I don’t think friends act like you do,” Sarada countered, unwavering. “You act like you’re my father all the time! And mom doesn’t even say anything about it!”

 

Once more, Sakura tried to interject, but Kakashi was quicker to react. “I wish I was your father.”

 

Now, Sakura was broken from her trance, terrified of what Kakashi might say next. She reached for him, tried to stop him, but Kakashi deflected her easily. 

 

“I wish I was,” Kakashi continued, “because your father is wrong. You should be the most important thing in his life.”

 

Finally, Sarada went mute, wide, angry eyes quivering with unshed tears. 

 

“Sarada-chan,” Sakura whispered, hurrying to her daughter’s side to take her in her arms. “I’m sorry. So sorry.”

 

Sarada pried herself out of her embrace, shaking her head. “It’s not your fault, mom.”

 

Throat tight, Sakura wiped at the corner of her eyes before tears could fall from them. Sarada stared down at her feet, suddenly small in her seat. Kakashi walked around the counter to ruffle her hair, a smile on his face.

 

“We don’t choose our family,” Kakashi said, tender eyes on Sarada. “One way or another, we don’t. I didn’t choose you or your mom. But we’re family.”

 

Sarada’s lips tightened until they trembled, tears falling rapidly from her eyes. 

 

“You’re the most important person in your mother’s heart.” Kakashi smiled, palm stroking Sarada’s dark hair. “And mine. Don’t ever forget that.”

 

Sobbing, Sarada threw her small body at Kakashi, hugging him as tightly as she could. Above her, Kakashi threw Sakura an apologetic look. Sakura ignored it, saving her anger for a later, more private moment. Kakashi knew exactly what cage he had just locked her in. Tears of her own rolling down her cheeks, Sakura’s lips curved in a small, quivering smile. Her heart and mind were more of a mess than they’d ever been, but she still found it within herself to be happy.

 

Sarada came first and foremost, and Kakashi was the father she deserved. 

 

…

 

Sakura scrambled to stand on all four of her limbs, choking out blood. Her whole body ached, but there was a fire in her heart like there hadn’t been in a long time. Tsunade swooped down with another kick that Sakura barely dodged, following up with a second that Sakura’s back would remember for a long time. She rolled in the grass, her vision blurring further. 

 

Wheezing, Sakura stood up on trembling legs.

 

“Did I tell you you could stand?” Tsunade barked, charging ahead with another punch.

 

Finally, Sakura sidestepped in time to dodge and land a blow to Tsunade’s side. But it was weak, and Tsunade barely flinched and sent her flying once more. 

 

For a time that seemed a hell of a lot too long to Sakura, this had repeated itself over and over. Sakura’s throat was tight with unchecked envy and humiliation. Tsunade had grown twenty years older, yet it was as if it was Sakura who’d aged fifty. Left and right, she was hit, taken by surprise and parried. 

 

“Seriously?” Tsunade spat. “Crying? How pathetic!”

 

Vomiting all the frustration that racked her body in a scream, Sakura got to her feet once and lunged for Tsunade. Tsunade dodged, but the earth that Sakura punched exploded open in a deafening sound.

 

Watching the mess of pillars and boulders that she had created, Sakura’s breath left her. 

 

“See? It wasn’t so hard, girl!”

 

Sakura dropped to her knees, sitting on her calves. She hadn’t lost everything. Her reflexes might be dulled, her chakra control unpracticed, but all of her hard work was still there, somewhere under the surface. 

 

Haruno Sakura was still there. 

 

Sakura started when a hand appeared before her. 

 

“Come on,” Tsunade said, smug smile on her lips. “What’re you sitting there for?”

 

Though she expected to be flung halfway across the training grounds, Sakura took it. This time, Tsunade only helped her to her feet. With watering eyes, Sakura smiled. Tsunade had never kicked her when she was down. She could always trust her helping hand, even if it was Tsunade herself that beat her to her knees. 

 

“Let’s patch you up,” Tsunade said, nodding to an area that wasn’t quite so mountainous suddenly. “Before you choke on your own blood.”

 

Sakura laid down in the grass, sighing at its cool embrace. Even the hard ground was soft as a pillow after training with Tsunade.

 

“Get to work.”

 

Sakura’s eyes snapped open. “What?”

 

“I mean what I said,” Tsunade snapped. “Heal your injuries.”

 

“But I haven’t -- “

 

“Did I not make myself clear?”

 

“Yes, shishou,” Sakura mumbled. 

 

Inhaling deeply, Sakura hovered her palms over her ribcage. Her palms glowed green as they hadn’t in years. It felt foreign, but Sakura didn’t let it deter her. Not anymore. She focused on the chakra that coursed through her body, remembering how it had felt when she had first learned how to rein it. 

 

As it did that day, her chakra seemed to fight her hold, until it calmed and flowed through her in time with the beat of her heart. Sakura had always loved this exact moment. Her entire body felt in perfect harmony. It was exactly what was needed to have the perfect control for her techniques. How she had missed this feeling. 

 

When her chakra entered her body, Sakura felt as if she was stepping in unknown territory once more. Her medical training was many years behind her, but Sakura replayed the lessons in her mind. She knew her body inside and out, quite literally. All she had to do was forget she had ever forgotten anything.

 

She was still the same Haruno Sakura that had defeated Sasori. The same Haruno Sakura that had mastered and improved all of her mentor’s techniques. The same Haruno Sakura who saved countless lives with these weak hands of hers.

 

“That’s good enough,” Tsunade said, kneeling by Sakura. 

 

Sakura laid her hands in the grass. Tsunade bent over her, palms glowing and finishing her work. 

 

“I’ve always hated having to work on you,” Tsunade chuckled.

 

“Why?” Sakura asked.

 

“It’s like your chakra has a life of its own,” Tsunade began, nostalgic smile on her painted lips. “It never stops fighting me.”

 

“Sorry,” Sakura mumbled, staring at the blue sky. 

 

“Don’t be,” Tsunade said sharply. “It reflects well on your character.”

 

Smile on her lips, Sakura began counting the clouds, listening distantly as Tsunade pointed out the flaws in her work.

 

…

 

Two weeks. Exactly at this minute, it’d been two weeks since she had called her husband. Still, he had yet to contact her. Already, Sakura was walking towards the Hokage’s tower. Once upon a time, a newlywed version of herself might have been appalled that she hadn’t even waited until her countdown was over to take action. Her younger self would have waited quietly at home until exactly two weeks had passed. Then, she would have waited some more, keeping hope.

 

She didn’t have such hope anymore.

 

Instead, she knocked on the door to Naruto’s office.

 

“Come in, Sakura!” 

 

Sakura walked inside, silently shutting the door behind her.

 

“Hey, what’s the sad face for?” Naruto asked, immediately abandoning his work. “Did something happen?”

 

Forcing a semblance of a smile, Sakura shook her head and walked closer to him. “No, Naruto. I just need a favor.”

 

“Anything,” he said, standing up to walk to her side. “Just ask.”

 

“Would you call Sasuke and tell him to come home for me?

 

Naruto shifted uncomfortably. “Don’t you think it’s better if you call him? You’re his wife…”

 

“I did, Naruto,” Sakura whispered, staring down at her feet, “but he doesn’t listen to me. He will listen to you, though.”

 

“If he won’t listen to you, I doubt there’s much I can do,” Naruto said. They both knew it was a lie, but Naruto would always try to spare her feelings. “What’s going on, anyway? Can I do something?”

 

“You can’t,” Sakura said, looking up at him. He was always such a sweetheart. “I’m going to file for a divorce soon.”

 

Naruto fell silent. It pained Sakura to have to tell Naruto about it, to break this happy painting he had of everything in his life, but he would learn about it sooner rather than later no matter what she did. 

 

“Sakura,” he said, voice breaking. “I’m sure you guys can work something out, it’s -- “

 

“I’m sorry, Naruto.” Sakura sat down in a chair by his desk, running her hands through her hair. “This isn’t about you. This is my decision. Please call him.”

 

Naruto sat in the chair next to hers, scooting closer to her. “Are you sure about this?...”

 

“I am.” 

 

“I…” Naruto stared down at his hands, clasped tightly together. “I don’t know what to say. I didn’t know you were so unhappy.”

 

“Then don’t say anything,” Sakura said, looking into his blue eyes. “This is hard enough as it is.”

 

“He loves you,” Naruto said, desperate. “He really does, you know that, right?”

 

“Sometimes that’s not enough.” Love had never been enough, and she had been foolish to believe it. “Please don’t try to change my mind.”

 

Naruto remained silent, but Sakura could see the battle playing on his face. He wanted to protect Sasuke and her both. In this case, it wasn’t possible. No matter what, one of them would suffer. That was how things were. 

 

“Can you call him today?”

 

“If… If that’s what you really want,” Naruto began uneasily, reaching between them to hold her hand. “I’m so sorry, Sakura. I want you to be happy, I really do. I’m sorry I didn’t -- “

 

“Don’t apologize,” Sakura said quickly, clasping his hand tightly. “None of this is your fault. You couldn’t have known.”

 

“I know things haven’t been easy for you.” Better than anyone else, Naruto was aware of this. “I didn’t know it was that bad. I would’ve tried to knock some sense into him if I’d known.”

 

Sakura chuckled, a small smile forcing its way on her lips. Though he said he hadn’t tried, Sakura knew he had. No matter the problem in her life, if Naruto knew about it, he tried to fix it. He always did. Sasuke had come home a genin. Kakashi had immediately promoted him to chuunin, but becoming a jonin was a more complicated matter. Sasuke had always refused to submit himself to the evaluation, no matter how much Naruto pushed for it, and Sakura didn’t blame him, in the end. The skill and battle requirements, he would pass easily. The psychological examination? They were all afraid.

 

This had left them to survive on a chuunin’s salary. Sakura could have kept working at the hospital, but once Sarada was born, Sasuke had been vehemently against the idea. No one but his wife would raise his child, thus Sakura had dedicated the entirety of her time to her daughter. 

 

Naruto did his best to get Sasuke to visit more often, but there was no changing his mind.

 

“You know there’s no helping Sasuke,” Sakura said, voice so soft she barely heard herself. “He won’t change.”

 

After a long pause, Naruto sighed and nodded. “I know. I know. You’re right. I’m sorry. I’ll call him.”

 

“Thank you, Naruto-kun.” Sakura stood and wrapped her arms around Naruto’s broad shoulders. “I’m sorry to ask this of you.”

 

Naruto stood up, returning her embrace. “It’s okay. There’s no way around it.”

 

Sakura did her best to swallow her tears before breaking away from Naruto. “Well, I’ve got to get going. Take care of yourself, okay?”

 

“You too, Sakura-chan,” Naruto said, watching her go. 

  
  
  
  
  



	4. Always Indebted

**Chapter 4: Always Indebted**

 

**...**

 

Dinner was silent. Sarada and Kakashi sat with her at the table, sharing uncomfortable and confused glances. She might have been staring at her plate for the past twenty minutes, but she wasn’t blind. Kakashi had tried to make small talk as he always did, but Sakura was too nervous to return his banter. 

 

“Mom,” Sarada finally said. “You’re being really weird.”

 

Sakura straightened her neck suddenly, flaky smile on her lips. “Ah, am I? I didn’t mean to. Sorry.”

 

Now, Sakura came face to face with the look Kakashi was giving her. A mix of several questions like he couldn’t pick one, but mostly worry. Today, Sarada had helped with shopping and preparing dinner, so Kakashi hadn’t had the luck of having a moment alone with her to ask what was going on. 

 

“Actually…” Sakura fiddled with her spoon. “I have a little announcement.”

 

Kakashi tensed across the table, fist tight around his glass. Sarada only watched her intently, anticipation clear in her eyes. 

 

“I got a job at the hospital,” Sakura said, true smile on her lips. “I’ll only be a nurse, but that’s just for now. Until I get used to things again.”

 

Nurse was far too nice a word for the job Tsunade had given her. She would mostly clean the mess both patients and surgeons made. Though Sakura knew it was far below even her current level, it worried her little. As a child, Tsunade had put her through the same challenge. Sakura hadn’t forgotten its lesson; humility.

 

“Oh. That’s cool.” 

 

Sarada returned her attention to her plate. Sakura watched her eat, at a loss. 

 

“When are you starting?” Kakashi asked between two bites, consciously filling the gap Sarada had left. “Soon?”

 

“In a week,” Sakura answered. She forced herself to eat as well. “Someone quit so it was great timing.”

 

Futilely, Sakura had been anxious over Sarada’s reaction. To herself, Sakura had thought it might be selfish to begin working now, after so many years. Sarada might interpret it as wishing to spend less time with her. Or wishing to distance herself from her somehow. Though Sakura was relieved Sarada thought none of those things, she was nonetheless shaken by her daughter’s reaction.

 

Sarada shoved the rest of her meal down her throat and swallowed in record time. “I gotta go! I’m training with Bolt tonight.”

 

Before Sakura could say anything, Sarada was already running out the door. 

 

“Don’t worry, you were like that too.”

 

Sakura shot Kakashi a venomous look. With a sigh, she stood to clear the table. Kakashi helped her as he sometimes did. Other times, he preferred to simply watch her. Occasionally, when she looked particularly exhausted, he told her to go sleep and took over for her. Today, Sakura made it a point to remain silent, much unlike their routine.

 

When the dishes were done, he helped her carry the laundry up to her bedroom. In between training sessions with Tsunade and worrying to the bone, Sakura had fallen behind on some house chores. Mainly, four baskets of laundry. 

 

“You don’t have to help me with this, you know,” Sakura mumbled as she folded clothes. 

 

Kakashi shrugged his shoulders as he hung one of her dresses in the closet. “I know.”

 

Silence fell again, but Sakura didn’t mind. Anything they might have had to say, Sakura didn’t want to deal with. 

 

“Hm, what’s this?” 

 

When Sakura turned to ask what he was talking about, she found Kakashi holding up the copy of Icha Icha he’d left her. Gasping, Sakura immediately reached for it, but Kakashi had the advantage of height. 

 

“Did you enjoy it?” Kakashi asked, far more raucous than seductive. “Hm?”

 

“Shut your ugly mouth and give me that!” 

 

Kakashi laughed, doing his best to keep the book out of her reach. “I was just curious.”

 

Growling, Sakura grabbed Kakashi’s collar and threw him on the bed. Kakashi hadn’t expected such a retaliation, so he was easy to pin whilst she retrieved the book. Kakashi reached for it again, but Sakura sat down on his chest heavily and held it high, now having the advantage of height. 

 

Admitting defeat, he lowered his arm. “Aren’t you going to tell me?”

 

“If I read it?” Sakura asked, indignant. “Of course not!”

 

“No, this,” Kakashi said, pressing a palm on her thigh and running it up under the hem of her skirt, revealing dark bruises. “I know you read the book.”

 

“Oh,” Sakura mumbled, cheeks reddening. “Tsunade’s been kicking my ass.” When Kakashi only looked at her blankly, Sakura continued, “I began training again, too.”

 

Kakashi spread his arms at his sides, genuine smile showing from under his mask.

 

“Why’re you smiling like that?” Sakura said, giving his chest a small shove.

 

“It’s good to hear, is all,” he said, pausing. “Also, I have a pretty woman sitting on me. Why should I not smile?”

 

Sakura rolled her eyes. Thinking of it all, though, an uneasy feeling rolled her stomach. Married, and yet, here she was, wrestling a book from another man, sitting on him, all over a smutty book. In her bedroom. Though they were not guilty of anything, Sakura knew she had let Kakashi in far too close. 

 

Worst of all, she knew she enjoyed it. Enjoyed it when he entered her home without knocking, played with her daughter, put away her laundry -- when he put his hands on her and asked her provocative questions. 

 

Sakura stared at the book in her hands, flipping the pages until she found the passage he had read to her. 

 

“I hate you,” Sakura whispered, tears forming in her eyes. 

 

“Why?”

 

Sakura glared down at Kakashi, hating how unaffected he looked. “Because.”

 

“That’s not an answer.”

 

“Because you’ve done this to me.”

 

Kakashi shifted under her until he could sit up. He leaned in close, looking into her eyes. “What have I done to you?”

 

Sakura wanted to hit him, to scream at him. To blame him. Kakashi only looked into her eyes, patient. Breathing shakily, Sakura grabbed his collar, fists tightening in it. All he had truly done was remind her that he was a human being also. That he, just like her, could feel.

 

“You remind me what an awful person I really am,” she finally said.

 

Kakashi laughed, soft as it was. Sakura glared up at him. “So like you.” Sakura tried to shove him away, but Kakashi grabbed her arms and held strong until she quieted down. “Feeling like this just for wanting what we all want.”

 

Breathing through her nose, Sakura watched Kakashi. He was close, but not too close. Just enough to tempt her -- or perhaps it was the opposite. She had been the one dangling the carrot in front of him. 

 

“That’s not the only reason,” Sakura whispered. 

 

“What then?” Kakashi said, freeing her arms now that she posed no more threat. “For what you want me to do to you right now?”

 

Red in the cheeks, Sakura tried to get away from Kakashi once more, but he held her shoulders and Sakura’s struggled died easily. Defeated, she said, “Yes.”

 

Kakashi remained still, only watching her intently.

 

Sakura looked down between them, staring at the way her thighs were pressed into his hips and the way her skirt had ridden up. “It’s awful.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because I’m married?” Sakura snorted, looking up at him as if he were joking.

 

Kakashi didn’t answer. Sakura looked away once more, hating the way his eyes demanded more. She looked at the book besides them on the bed, remembered why she had it in the first place. 

 

“Goddamnit,” Sakura cursed, leaning her forehead against Kakashi’s shoulder. “Why does everything have to be so complicated?” 

 

“It doesn’t have to be.”

 

Heart hammering in her chest, Sakura toyed with the zipper of Kakashi’s vest, until she finally pulled it down, inch by inch. Kakashi ran his palms under her thighs, stopping when they met with the edge of her underwear. 

 

Sakura wanted to curse again. Ask whoever could hear her, why him? Why not someone, anyone, who she didn’t rely on? But then, she had answered her own question, she figured. It was simple. Because he had given her a taste of something she’d done everything she could to deny the existence of. 

 

Kakashi didn’t move, stiff where he sat. Sakura’s chest heaved, faster and faster until she thought she might throw up. Kakashi’s hands left her thighs to hold her tight. 

 

“Don’t cry,” he whispered in her ear. 

 

“I want to,” Sakura said, wrapping her arms as tight as she could around him. “I hate everything.”

 

“It will get easier,” Kakashi tried to comfort. “He’ll have to come home sooner or later. You can finalize everything then.”

 

“When?” Sakura asked, pleading eyes on his. “When do you think he’ll come home?”

 

Even when he did come home and the divorce was done, what would it fix? Sarada would hate her for it, and then hate her more should she try to love someone else. And Sakura wanted it so, so much. To remember what it felt like to be so taken with someone, for someone to be so taken with her. The rush of the first kiss, the way she always craved more after that. She wanted to be asked in marriage again, to know someone would give anything to be with her. 

 

“Stop waiting for him, Sakura.”

 

“That sure would suit you, wouldn’t it?” Sakura snapped, drying her tears. “It’s easy for you to say!”

 

Kakashi frowned, breaking his hold on her. “What exactly do you think I’m trying to do?”

 

Sakura didn’t answer, only glared at him.

 

“You think I’m only trying to find the right words so I can fuck you right here and now?” he said, his voice carrying. Sakura flinched. “Is that really what you think of me?”

 

Sakura sniffed, lips tight. “No,” she said. “But you’re not being fair.”

 

“How?”

 

“Can I really say no to you?” Sakura said, voice breaking. “Can I?”

 

Kakashi’s face fell, tension bleeding from his body. “Sakura,” he whispered. “What are you saying?”

 

“If I say no to you,” she began, tears flowing again. “Then I’m being selfish. Because, you said it, you won’t go. And I don’t want you to go. I love you. Sarada loves you. The other day -- when she asked if you were her father -- I… She does love you that much. I can’t take you out of her life. I can’t. And refusing you and allowing you to stay, asking everything of you without giving anything back, that’s awful.”

 

Kakashi laid his hands on the mattress, as if touching her might suddenly burn him. “Sakura,” he said sternly. “I never did any of that just seeking sex. I didn’t.”

 

“I know you didn’t,” Sakura muttered, wiping tears from her face. 

 

“I said I was fine with how things were,” Kakashi added, cocking his head to the side to watch her face when she turned away. “I meant it.”

 

“Fine, maybe,” Sakura said, facing him again. “But happy?”

 

“Don’t you think happiness is a lot to ask for someone like me?” Kakashi said, quiet. “I’ll take what I can. Because who knows when I’ll have this luxury again.”

 

Sakura fell silent. More than anyone, maybe, Sakura knew Kakashi’s history. How he had suffered, how anything he had ever loved was torn from him before he could truly appreciate it. 

 

“If you did any of this for my benefit,” Kakashi continued, stern once more, “stop. Now.”

 

“That’s not what I was saying,” Sakura said, hands resting on his chest. “It just doesn’t sit well with me. That’s all.”

 

“Look at me,” Kakashi said, waiting her eyes were set on his before he continued. “Do what  _ you _ want. I have all I need already.”

 

Sakura nodded, shoulders heavy. 

 

“What is it?”

 

Sakura looked away, cheeks reddening. She didn’t want to say it. 

 

“Sakura.”

 

“Do you really want to know?” Sakura said, frowning. “It’s awful.”

 

A smile tugged on the corner of Kakashi’s lips. “Awful from you tends to mean perfectly normal.”

 

“You were right earlier,” she mumbled, tipping her chin down so she didn’t have to look at him. “When you talked about… About me wanting… Goddamnit, do you have to make me say it?”

 

Kakashi laughed, dropping back to his defenseless lying position. 

 

Sakura slapped his chest and he recoiled, grabbing her hand. “What?”

 

“Just like I said,” he chuckled. “Perfectly normal.”

 

“What’s perfectly normal about wanting to be fucked by  _ you _ ?” Sakura spat, slapping his chest again with her free hand, but he only caught it as well. “Let go!”

 

“Do I really need to explain how sex works to you, hm, Sakura-chan?” 

 

Sakura growled and tried to pull her hands away, but Kakashi held them tight. 

 

“What do you think happens when two people become close -- “

 

“I don’t want to do Naruto,” Sakura countered. “Or Sai, or Shishou.”

 

“You don’t spend as much time with them as you do with me. It’s not like it is between us.”

 

Sakura huffed, ceasing her efforts to free herself.

 

“And tell me, sweet Sakura-chan,” Kakashi added, a dirty smirk to his lips. “When was the last time?”

 

“That’s none of your business!” Sakura said quietly, indignant. 

 

“You’ve already answered that the other day for me,” Kakashi said. “It’s been two years.”

 

“So?”

 

“So?” Kakashi chuckled. “Do I have to spell it out?”

 

“Fine, you’re right,” Sakura said flippantly. “It is driving me crazy, okay? As much as I hate it, it’s true. God fucking damn it.”

 

Kakashi retrieved Icha Icha from his side and opened it, holding the book above his head. “Shall I read you some more?”

 

When Sakura hesitated to answer, Kakashi moved the book to look at her. 

 

“No,” she said quickly, wishing her body wouldn’t betray her so constantly. 

 

“Then let’s get back to work,” Kakashi said, sitting up and helping her off of him.

 

…

 

Of all her long, long life, Sakura couldn’t recall being so happy about a piece of paper. She held it up high to observe it in all its glory. At her side, Shizune eyed her as if thinking she might belong with the psych ward patients. Sakura couldn’t care less, though. Shizune would never understand this. Unlike her, Shizune had never had to stop working when Iris was born. 

 

“You sure look happy,” Shizune chuckled, nudging her shoulder. “That’s the first of many, you know.”

 

“So? This one is special.” Sakura said, bouncing from one foot to the other. It was hardly much, two thousand and five hundred dollars for a month and a half of work -- oh, how she missed her old paychecks -- but it was more money than Sakura had seen in a long while. “What should I do with it?”

 

“I don’t know,” Shizune shrugged. “Buy something nice?”

 

Sakura stood there for a moment, stumped. It was the simplest answer, but it was how simply Shizune had said it. It reminded her of her chuunin promotion, of shopping with her mother for the perfect dress to celebrate that evening. Sakura remembered what dress she had last bought very well -- the one she had worn to the bar. 

 

As her thoughts drifted, Sakura lost her smile. She shouldn’t think about spending it so hastily. She would put aside enough to pay her half of the bills, Sakura promised herself. 

 

“I’ll think about it,” Sakura said. 

 

“How about we have a girls’ night out?” Shizune proposed, mischievous smile spreading on her thin lips. “It’s been forever!”

 

“That’s a good idea,” Sakura said, nodding. “It really has been a while.”

 

All of Sakura’s female friends often had those nights, but Sakura was always hesitant to join. Having dinner at a restaurant and ordering fancy cocktails or wines was often part of the plan, which Sakura couldn’t afford so often. Though most of them hardly worked -- save for Tenten -- they all remained on active duty. The stipend wasn’t much to live on unless you did missions, but it was something. Ino still helped with the family business. Hinata could rely on her clan for support. Only Temari remained a full-fledged ninja. 

 

“How about this Saturday?” Shizune proposed, cocking her head to the side as she always did when scheming. “I’ll see who I can get to come.”

 

“Sounds great.” 

 

“Hey, Sakura,” Shizune called. “Chin up. Things get easier from here on out.”

 

“Yeah, sorry,” Sakura laughed, wrapping one arm around Shizune’s waist. “Now we can have all the fun we want.”

 

“Yes!” Shizune squealed, choking Sakura in her embrace. “I’ve missed the days!”

 

“Hey, hey!” Sakura protested, struggling to free herself from Shizune’s hold on her neck. “Are you trying to kill me?”

 

“Don’t be such a sourpouss,” Shizune purred, dragging her outside. “You might as well have been a hermit for the last… I can’t even tell since when.”

 

“I’m  _ not _ a sourpouss,” Sakura said, relieved when Shizune finally let her go. 

 

“Fine, worrywart, then.”

 

Sakura sighed. 

 

“Oh, you’re already here!”

 

Sakura leaned forward to look who Shizune had seen and quickly spotted Iris and Eiji. Sakura waved to them. “Hey, long time no see.”

 

“Oh, hi, Sakura-san!” Eiji greeted, always the same sweet smile on his lips. “It sure has been a long time.”

 

“Mom said you’re working at the hospital again,” Iris said, ponytail saying from one side to the other as she came closer. “Is it true?”

 

“Sure is.” Sakura was always surprised to see Iris. It seemed every time they met, she changed completely. More than ever, she was taking on her mother’s looks, with her thin, long lips that she would often worry and the brown, straight hair. Even her eyes had the same shape as Shizune, though they took on the grassfield color of her father’s. “Look at you, even more grown up than before.”

 

“Don’t remind me,” Shizune lamented. “Seems like just yesterday she was born.”

 

“Tell me about it,” Sakura sighed.

 

“Now, now,” Eiji tried to comfort. “She’s only just fifteen.”

 

“Won’t you be promoted soon?” Sakura asked, flipping through her mental calendar. “Aren’t the exams next month?”

 

Iris nodded firmly. “They are. I’ll be a chuunin.”

 

“Aren’t you a confident one,” Shizune said, smirk on her face. 

 

“With reason, I’m sure,” Sakura laughed. “She can’t fail when she’s learned from the best.”

 

Eiji nodded, laying his palms on his daughter’s shoulders. “I have confidence she’ll be promoted.”

 

“Well, I don’t mean to cut this short,” Sakura said, apologetic, “but I have to get started on dinner.”

 

“That’s fine, that’s fine,” Shizune said quickly. “Asami’s waiting on us, anyway. See you tomorrow.”

 

“Tomorrow,” Sakura said, waving as she turned away.

 

On her way home, Sakura walked slowly. The sun was still out, the breeze felt nice on the skin left exposed by her sundress, and her heels made that wonderful click she would never tire of. Perhaps too euphoric over her first paycheck, Sakura decided to make a detour. It’d been a while since she’d window shopped on the main street. It wasn’t even far. 

 

Sakura passed many a beautifully laid out store window, but nothing really caught her attention. There had been a dress here and there that had struck her fancy, but nothing she felt she just _ had _ to have. The only display to really draw her eye was the one she stood before, where a qipao dress was laid out. Though it resembled the one Kakashi had offered Sarada, it wasn’t armored or otherwise meant for ninja use.

 

“I should get something for him,” Sakura mumbled to herself, staring at the dress.

 

Whatever could she buy, though? Kakashi was a simple man. A very, very simple man. He hardly wanted for anything. Not anything he couldn’t easily get himself. 

 

In the back of her mind, Sakura heard him saying,  _ “these are good _ .” She had made miso cookies. She’d found the recipe somewhere, thought it interesting, then immediately hated the final result. Kakashi, though, for once, had eaten most of them before even Sarada could get to them.

 

With a newfound purpose, Sakura headed home. 

 

…

 

“You baked cookies,” Kakashi said, eyeing the package she held gingerly. He looked back up at her, one eyebrow shooting up. “Should I be worried?”

 

Sakura huffed and walked right past him into his apartment. 

 

“You hate to bake,” Kakashi added as he closed the door. “And you never come here unless something’s up.”

 

“Well, maybe I wanted to do something different for once,” Sakura said, placing the box of cookies on his desk. “And stop guessing everything! I hate your nose.”

 

“It’s late,” Kakashi said, standing by the desk with her. Sakura pushed the package towards him. He picked at the ribbon she’d tied around it, untying it so slowly Sakura wanted to smack him. “You came all the way here to give me  _ cookies _ ?”

 

Sakura’s shoulders dropped. It had seemed like a good idea. Until now. “I guess.”

 

“You guess?” Kakashi chuckled. “That’s cute.”

 

“Oh, fuck you,” Sakura growled, spinning on her heels to go sit on his bed. “And it isn’t late. It’s barely nine.”

 

“It is early,” Kakashi said as he finally opened the box and peeked inside. “For someone who doesn’t have kids.”

 

“I don’t have a child anymore,” Sakura grumbled, crossing her legs. “I have a little ninja.”

 

“And she doesn’t need mommy to tuck her into bed anymore, hm?” 

 

Sakura sighed, wistful. Kakashi sat by her, the box of cookies in his lap and one hanging from his mouth as he chewed. Sakura smiled to herself. Kakashi, though, only looked at her expectantly.

 

“What?” 

 

“So did you come just to give me this or not?” 

 

“Oh.” Sakura realized she’d simply waltzed in and hardly said much, which made for a very unusual visit. “I…” Sakura stared at the small star designs on her dress. “I guess I did.”

 

Sakura’s plan had only boiled down to baking and giving cookies. 

 

Kakashi stood up and Sakura watched, blinking her wide eyes. He turned on his tv -- a nearly broken down old thing he had bought after Sakura had convinced him he needed something else than Icha Icha for distraction -- and promptly returned to the bed, this time sitting back against the wall. When he didn’t say anything and only started on a second cookie, Sakura scooted back until she sat against the wall too. 

 

She didn’t know the program that was playing, and she couldn’t tell if Kakashi did. Whether or not he did, he watched it all the same. 

 

“You’re putting crumbs everywhere,” Sakura chastised, sweeping her hand over his chest, a frown on her face. “Be careful.”

 

Kakashi caught her hand, the skin of his arm brushing against hers as he did. At night, Kakashi never wore the sweatshirt unless it was winter. Only the undershirt. “My bed, my rules,” he said. “Crumbs are fine.”

 

Her hand returned to her, Sakura returned her attention to the tv. She wondered if she ought to leave, but she figured Kakashi didn’t mind her being there. She didn’t want to leave, either. Seeing her heels still tied to her feet, Sakura bent forward to remove them. 

 

“Need a drink?” 

 

Sakura shook her head after a moment’s hesitation. “I’m fine.”

 

From the corner of her eye, Sakura watched him. He ate the cookies one after another, though he wasn’t hurried in doing so. He didn’t say anything -- not even thank you, now that she thought about it -- but he didn’t need to for Sakura to know he enjoyed them. It was a small gift compared to all that Kakashi brought to her life, especially financially, but she was satisfied for the moment. 

 

The longer they watched whatever show it was they were watching, the more convinced Sakura became that Kakashi had never watched it before in his life. It seemed to be some convoluted drama about a group of well-off middle-aged women. Absent-mindedly, Sakura fidgeted with the hem of her dress, dragging it up her thigh an inch or two and then dragging it back down. Eventually, Kakashi caught her hand, stilling it. Sakura slipped her fingers between his, thumb rubbing circles on his knuckles.

 

Before long, the show was over. Sakura didn’t mind. It had been mind-numbingly boring. Kakashi glanced at the clock, but when Sakura didn’t move, simply reached for his pillow and placed it sideways behind his back. When she realized he had placed it in order to leave half of it unused, Sakura scooted closer. Another show began, this one something Sakura was more eager to watch. She’d always liked the supernatural stories.

 

Soon enough, another hour had passed. Kakashi looked at the clock once more. “It’s the middle of the night,” he said, teasing, looking down at her.

 

Sakura only huffed and nudged his shoulder with her own.

 

“You’re going to fall asleep.”

 

“I’m not,” Sakura scoffed.

 

But sure enough, half-way through the movie that had come on, Sakura found herself dozing off on Kakashi’s shoulder. Though she tried to pretend it didn’t happen, Kakashi had noticed. He stood up to shut off the tv. Sakura stared down at her lap. It’d been a long time since she’d last had a quiet night in with someone. Though it wasn’t what she had expected, she didn’t want it to end quite so soon now.

 

Kakashi switched off the light. Sakura looked up, trying to find him in the dark. “What are you doing?”

 

“Going to sleep,” he answered, sounding more tired than Sakura had expected. When Sakura mumbled a few unintelligible sounds, Kakashi added, “You can stay.”

 

He sat on the edge of the bed and it creaked as he removed his shirt. Clear as day, Sakura remembered the last time Kakashi had been shirtless with her. They’d gone swimming together with Sarada and she forced him to wear sunscreen. 

 

When he laid down, Sakura made space for him and replaced the pillow where it was supposed to be. Several times already, Sakura had slept here. Usually, though, a large amount of alcohol and tears were involved. The first time had been when Sasuke didn’t answer his phone for three months and Sakura thought him dead. The order of the rest were blurry, but Sakura distinctly remembered one being the night of Gai’s funeral. That time, Kakashi had fallen asleep in her lap and waken up bleary-eyed, asking if there was any sake left.

 

Sakura slipped under the blanket. Kakashi wasn’t far from her. Not that he could be, with how small his bed was. For a long time, Sakura remained still. She closed her eyes to try and find sleep, but it eluded her. By then, Kakashi’s breathing had long evened out and Sakura thought him asleep.

 

Slowly, she snaked her hand between them until her fingertips touched his back. He turned his head to look at her. When she said nothing, Kakashi rolled on his other side to face her. Cheeks warm, Sakura inched closer to him, until she could put her ear to his chest. His heart beat slow and steady under her ear, and Sakura listened to it. She threw a leg over his and, still silent, glanced up at Kakashi. 

 

Staring down into her eyes, Kakashi placed an arm under her head and his other hand on her knee. Sakura’s heart hammered into her ears together with Kakashi’s. He was warm. Too warm under the blanket, but she didn’t dare move it. Instead, she put her hand over Kakashi’s and pressed her body to his. She could feel his erection against her stomach, but she didn’t mind. In the back of her mind, she knew she’d hoped he would be hard. Kakashi’s hand moved up until it followed the curve of her ass and he pulled her higher up against him, rolling his hips into hers. 

 

This time, it wasn’t against her stomach that he pressed his erection and Sakura gasped. She could hear him breathing heavier, but Kakashi didn’t say anything. Looking straight into her eyes, searching, he slid his hand to her hip, then to her stomach, leaving her dress bunched around her stomach. Then it went down, slipping into her panties. Sakura inhaled sharply, closing her eyes. When his thumb rolled slow, lazy circles around her clit, she bit back a moan. 

 

Breathing erratic, Sakura grabbed a fistful of the ample material of his pants, needing something to hold onto. Kakashi didn’t need any more encouragement to keep going. As he moved faster and rougher, Sakura bit her lip to suppress any sound she made. She could feel her head spinning, her breath coming short, the build up in the pit of stomach that meant she was close already. 

 

Sakura rolled on her back, and, though he hesitated for a second, Kakashi clearly understood what she wanted. He stood on his knees between her legs, sitting Sakura up to remove her dress and bra. He laid her down again, following her to plant kisses on her chest as she shoved his pants down. Both hands on her hips, he guided her where he wanted her. When he finally thrust into her, Sakura’s head rolled back with a long moan.

 

Kakashi breathed into her neck, hips digging into hers. Sakura ground her hips into his, needing to feel him move right away. Kakashi complied easily, sliding out of her and then back in agonizingly slow. Each time he repeated the movement, he sped up, until he finally worked up a nice rhythm. Sakura held onto him for dear life as the pleasure burned through every nerve of her body. Seconds later, Sakura felt the telltale tightening of her abdomen and came, mouth open but unable to make a sound. 

 

Kakashi grunted into her shoulder, hips jerking. He felt it, she knew. Every time she contracted around him, he tightened his hold onto her, rhythm long forgotten. Inside of her, she felt him twitching, and she knew he came too. 

 

When the last wave subsided, Sakura went limp, arms slipping from Kakashi to bed with a soft sound. 

  
  



	5. Chains and Cages

**Chapter 5: Chains and Cages**

 

**__**

 

“You know what I miss?” Tenten said, holding her glass by her cheek.

 

“What?” Sakura giggled, fingers dancing on the rim of her own glass. 

 

Around them, other patrons ate, chatted and laughed as loud as they did. Sakura could only congratulate Shizune on her choice of venue. An izakaya was exactly what she’d needed. To be surrounded by liveliness, this spark in the air that was always present when everyone was determined to have a good time. A few glasses of alcohol certainly helped, and they were aplenty on the tables.

 

“Having chocolate around in the house,” Tenten said longingly, swaying in her seat. “Having to share is so unfair.”

 

“So true!” Shizune groaned, the tail of a tempura shrimp sticking out from her mouth. “It’s been forever since I’ve had any just because I have to go to the store and eat it right away…”

 

Sakura laughed, reclining in her seat. The sake went down her throat smoothly, cheap as it was. 

 

“Isn’t there anything you miss?” Shizune prodded, nudging Sakura’s shoulder with her own.

 

Sakura hummed in thought, cup to her lips. 

 

There were so many things that she missed, though not the kind Shizune and Tenten were speaking of. She missed being home with her husband. She missed seeing him every day, feeling like she knew him inside and outside and him her. That incredible closeness she had felt with him when pregnant. She might as well have been standing on the top of the whole wide world then. She missed being young and uncaring of the future, convinced it would all work out. She missed sex. She missed shopping, eating out, training. Missions. Being part of a team. 

 

“I think I miss being able to stay up all night,” Sakura said. “For work or for fun. It’s just not the same anymore.”

 

Shizune agreed, sighing approvingly. Tenten only laughed. 

 

“You’ve always been a workaholic,” she said, clucking her tongue. “Bad girl.”

 

“We can’t all be like you,” Shizune huffed, a small frown on her usually smooth forehead. Sakura would forever envy her her perfect skin. “It just doesn’t work.”

 

“What doesn’t work?” Tenten asked, leaning forward in her seat. 

 

“I miss having a nice stomach,” Sakura said, forcing a laugh to nip this in the bud. “It used to be so flat and tight…”

 

“Wait until you’re my age,” Shizune whined, quarrel easily forgotten. 

 

“Does it really get worse?” Sakura’s face fell, hands abandoning her glass to pat her stomach. “I thought for sure it couldn’t be any worse unless I had another child…”

 

“It does,” Shizune said abjectly, slumping in her seat. “It does.”

 

Though Sakura’s buzz was now killed, she smiled and kicked Tenten’s foot under the table. “How bad was it for you?”

 

Tenten shrugged lightly, chugging the last of her drink. “Who cares? It’s just a stomach.”

 

“Oh, you liar,” Shizune suddenly spat, standing from her seat. “I bet you’re one of those women who just bounced back like it was nothing.”

 

“That’s why you don’t care, don’t you?” Sakura groaned, head rolling back to hit the back of her chair. “I should have known. That’s so like you.”

 

“Seriously?” Tenten said, more bite to her voice than Sakura expected. “Or I’m just not a whiny bitch who thinks petty shit like this is important.”

 

Sakura’s head snapped back up just in time to watch Tenten raise her shirt high, exposing up to her ribs. Always the quiet one, Shizune shut her lips, but Sakura gasped. Sakura had thought her own stomach awful, but it was nothing like Tenten’s. While Sakura’s stretch marks were light and thin, Tenten’s ran deep and dark. Her loose skin even hung low, forming a small flap over the band of her pants. 

 

“Sorry,” Sakura apologized when her wits returned to her. “I didn’t mean to -- “

 

“It’s fine,” Tenten said, dropping her shirt as she sat back in her chair. “I know what it looks like. I don’t care.”

 

Sakura pursed her lips, staring into her glass.

 

“Men don’t even care,” Tenten chuckled. “They’re all so happy to get laid they couldn’t give a flying fuck.”

 

“Really?” Sakura said, worrying her hands over her stomach. “They don’t?”

 

Shizune shot her a strange look, but Sakura pointedly looked towards Tenten, ignoring the heat that rose to her cheeks. 

 

“They know you’re a mother,” Tenten said, mocking. “They know what to expect. Why am I telling you anyway? Your husband’s seen you a few times already.”

 

“Did he ever say anything about it?” Shizune asked, turning to Sakura, frown on her face already explaining what she would think if he had. “Eiji never did. He says it looks like before. I know he’s lying, but…”

 

Sakura waved her hands in defense. “Ah, no, he never did… Of course not. I just thought he always secretly cared.”

 

“Or that someone else would,” Tenten chuckled, winking. “Hm?”

 

Sobered, Sakura straightened in her chair. “What? Why would I…”

 

“Tenten’s just teasing you,” Shizune said, a flaky smile on her lips. Sakura frowned, but Shizune only patted her shoulder. “C’mon, Sakura-chan,” she added, smile turning mischievous. “Surely you’ve already fantasized about someone else than your husband.”

 

Turning all shades of red, Sakura sputtered, barely swallowing her sip. 

 

“Of course you have,” Tenten laughed. “Don’t be so shy. I always fancied Asuma-sensei myself.”

 

“He does sound like your type,” Shizune thought aloud, looking up with a finger on her chin. “Wasn’t he a bit old for you though?”

 

“I didn’t mean when I was kid,” Tenten defended, disgust on her face. “Don’t be ridiculous.”

 

“Hm, fine,” Shizune said, everything forgotten with a shrug of her shoulders. “What time is it anyway?”

 

“Eleven,” Sakura said, peeking at the clock behind her. “We should be heading home.”

 

“Yep,” Tenten said, jumping to her feet. “I only have the baby sitter until midnight.”

 

“You don’t have a baby sitter,” Sakura said, following Shizune and Tenten outside.

 

Outside, Shizune pulled them both in a tight hug and they began bidding each other good night. Tenten parted ways first. Her house was on the other side of town, so she wouldn’t be walking with them. 

 

“It’s too bad the others couldn’t come,” Sakura sighed. “I’d really have liked to see Ino.”

 

“Yeah, sorry,” Shizune said, worrying her lip with her teeth. “I tried.”

 

Sakura could tell something was up, but decided to let it slip for tonight. Whatever it was, it could wait until tomorrow. Tonight was a nice night and Sakura wanted to keep it so.

 

“I’ll see you at work Monday,” Shizune said when they reached the intersection that separated them. “Have a nice night.”

 

“You too,” Sakura said, waving at her back as she watched Shizune go.

 

Enjoying the cool breeze of the air on her skin, Sakura walked home slowly. Her heels clicked under her feet with every step and Sakura was in no hurry to make it stop. A smile on her lips, Sakura spun on her feet, watching the way her dress twirled around her. She’d always loved this dress. Out of all the clothes she owned, this dress made her feel perfect, even if just for a moment. Wearing it with her hair done and pretty shoes while she walked under a shining moon, Sakura tried to believe it. Maybe she wouldn’t feel so when she returned home and removed the dress, but for now she wanted to believe she was still beautiful. 

 

…

 

Another month, another paycheck. As much as she loathed her current job, it worried Sakura little. The benefits far outweighed all the poop and blood she had to scrub. Nothing a long shower couldn’t take care of once her shift was over. Even as she entered her home and kicked the door closed behind her, Sakura was still staring at that little slip of happiness.

 

“I’m home,” she called out, removing her shoes. 

 

“Upstairs,” Kakashi called back.

 

Sakura frowned and jogged up the stairs. There was something to Kakashi’s voice, it wasn’t much, but Sakura knew there was a problem. Sakura found him in the bathroom, sweatshirt gone and scrubbing away in the sink. Sarada was sitting on the toilet, wearing Kakashi’s ample shirt and staring down at her feet obstinately. She was clutching the shirt between her legs, pulling it down, looking exactly as she had as a little child when trying to cover up accidents. 

 

“What’s going on?” Sakura asked, covering up a smile. Stepping closer, she recognized her daughter’s underwear in Kakashi’s hands, red running in the water he was rinsing it with. “Oh.”

 

Kakashi turned to her, looking so serious Sakura had to suppress a laugh in the back of her throat. 

 

“Mom,” Sarada said, tugging at her dress. “Where do you keep your stuff?”

 

“Right here, honey,” Sakura said, reaching in the cabinet under the sink to retrieve a pad. “I’ll show you how to use it.”

 

Mechanically, Sakura tore open the packet and began pointing the different parts, but Sarada wasn’t listening. 

 

“What’s wrong?” Sakura asked, moving Sarada’s hair aside so she could see her better. Sarada’s cheek were a deep red, her lips pursed tight. “Does it hurt?”

 

Behind her, Kakashi coughed. “I’ll get her a fresh pair.”

 

Sakura nodded and returned her attention to her daughter. Noticing Sarada’s pants in the corner of her eyes, Sakura reached for them and inspected them, discovering a large stain on them. “It’s pretty bad, isn’t it?”

 

“I was taking a nap,” Sarada explained quickly, raising her shirt above her stomach to expose her bloody thighs. “I just woke up.”

 

“It’s no big deal,” Sakura comforted, gentle smile on her lips. “Just get in the shower and rinse off.”

 

Sarada did as she was told, sitting on the edge of the tub. 

 

Startling her, Kakashi handed Sakura a clean pair of panties. “I got most of it out, but I don’t think she’ll want to wear them again.”

 

“Oh, it’s fine,” Sakura said, getting back on her feet. “Every woman needs a few pairs of period underwear.”

 

Kakashi looked at her blankly, so Sakura only shrugged. 

 

“Could you… not be in here?” Sarada said, covering up with the shower curtain.

 

“Oh, don’t be silly,” Sakura laughed. “I’ve changed your diapers.”

 

“Yeah, you too, but,” Sarada said, but then pointed to Kakashi. 

 

Sakura’s mouth opened to protest, but nothing came out. “Oh,” she finally said. “Well, he’s changed your diapers too.”

 

Kakashi was already out the door, though, and Sakura followed him. 

 

“She’s really growing up,” Sakura lamented. “Isn’t she?”

 

Without providing an answer or comfort, Kakashi headed downstairs to the kitchen. Sakura trailed not far behind him. 

 

“Well, say something,” she said, pouting, when he only retrieved the uncooked dinner from the fridge. “It’s not every day this happens.”

 

“I was in the bathroom with your half-naked teenage daughter.”

 

Finally seeing the worried lines on his face, Sakura stopped dead in her tracks. “I -- My daughter? She’s practically you -- “ Sakura caught herself, rubbing a palm over her cheek. “Don’t be weird. Really.”

 

Kakashi’s stiff shoulders dropped. “Yes, of course.”

 

Brittle smile on her lips, Sakura bumped his hip with hers. “Don’t worry so much about it. I didn’t want my dad to see me anymore at that age either. It’s just normal.”

 

Though he didn’t reply, Kakashi’s face lost its hard edge. Why such a thought crossed his mind to begin with was alien to Sakura -- he had changed Sarada’s diapers, given her baths and gotten her dressed in the mornings more times than Sakura could count. It was simply one of the many facets of parenting.

 

In silence, they began preparing dinner. Sakura had prepped most of it the night before, cutting up all the veggies and marinating the meat. In celebration of her second paycheck, she’d splurged on a really nice cut of beef. She’d even bought a cake instead of baking one. She really had splurged.

 

Then it struck her -- how Kakashi had just handled her daughter's first periods. Though she didn’t know what exactly had happened, Sarada hadn’t been too much of a mess when Sakura had arrived. How many men would wash bloody panties with their own hands and do this?

 

Sarada came bounding down the stairs, still wearing Kakashi’s shirt. Large as it was, it hung down near her knees. The redness on her cheeks was gone, replaced by a smile.

 

“Someone looks cheerful,” Sakura said, washing her hands in the sink. Dinner was the oven. All that was left was to wait. “That’s unexpected.”

 

With a roll of her eyes, Sarada sat at the counter. “It’s just periods, mom.”

 

Sakura blinked where she stood, eyebrows stuck in what felt like mid-air. “That sure wasn’t how it was in my time,” she muttered to Kakashi.

 

“Would you rather she be crying?” Kakashi said flatly, barely above a whisper.

 

“The next year is going to be interesting,” Sarada added, chin cradled in her palms. “I’m impatient.”

 

“Impatient for what?” 

 

Sakura gave Kakashi’s shoulder a shove and he shot her a confused look.

 

“Don’t be so impatient, dear,” she said, smile cracking. “You’ll be a grown woman before you know it, so enjoy this time.”

 

“You just want me to stay your baby forever,” Sarada scoffed, spinning on her stool to face the opposite wall. “I don’t want that.”

 

An idea striking her, Sarada hopped off and ran over to Kakashi, standing on the tip of her toes. Kakashi stared down at her, progressively more and more at a loss the longer Sarada didn’t budge.

 

“I’ll probably just be mom’s height,” she finally sighed, dropping flat-footed. “That’s too bad, I guess.”

 

“That’s okay,” Kakashi said, patting her head. Sakura watched them, both amused and heartbroken. Already, Sarada reached up to Kakashi’s chest. She really wasn’t a little girl anymore. “Boys like girls shorter than them.”

 

“So that’s why you’re here all the time?” Sarada said, pensive. “Because we’re both shorter than you?”

 

Kakashi’s hand froze above Sarada’s head. “Ah, that’s not quite -- “

 

“I know, I know,” Sarada said, suddenly bored with Kakashi’s attention. She returned to her to seat. “I’m just messing with you.”

 

Kakashi looked to Sakura for support, but Sakura only laughed. It wouldn’t be long before Sarada waltzed into teenagehood and wreaked havoc on their lives. She could only imagine Kakashi’s face then.

 

…

 

The sound of the tv was all that kept Sakura up. She’d always hated noise when she was trying to sleep. Sarada’s legs were in her lap, and since she had long been asleep, Sakura couldn’t move. Kakashi was stuck on the other side of the couch, Sarada’s snoring head on his chest, doomed to watch the rest of the movie she had picked. Sakura had little interest in it as well, but Sarada had been so keen on watching it that she couldn’t say no.

 

Kakashi’s fingers brushed against Sakura’s shoulder, startling her. 

 

Sakura turned curious eyes on him, but Kakashi remained silent. Uncomfortable, Sakura looked at Sarada, then back up at him. 

 

“I’ll take her to her bedroom,” he said, quiet so as not to wake her.

 

Sakura watched him as he did so, her stomach filling with lead. It was impossible to forget the night she had spent at his apartment, no matter how badly she tried. The following morning, Kakashi, diplomatic as he always was, had let her cry in his bathroom without interrupting. She had been as silent as she could, but she knew he could tell. When she’d come out, he was fully dressed and said he had somewhere to be. Just like he knew she had cried, Sakura knew he didn’t have anywhere to go. He was simply handing her an easy exit. Neither of them had had to say anything that way. 

 

Foolish as it had been, Sakura had hoped it would be behind them. Out of their system. A one time thing. A fling, anything but something more. 

 

But as life would have it, relationships were hardly ever simple. Kakashi came back down the stairs, perfectly silent, and sat with her again. 

 

Sakura refused to look at him, instead watching her fingers twirl a ribbon on her dress. After a while, Kakashi caught her hand. Gentle as he could be, he pulled her towards him. Sakura relinquished easily, unable to find a fight in herself. She settled into his lap, her back to his chest and his chin on her shoulder. His arms were wrapped around chest, firm with the tension of fear.

 

“Do you want this?” 

 

There was no demand in his voice, no haste, only the same he had always been with her. Patient. There.

 

He never asked anything of her. Only offered his presence, until it became so ubiquitous that Sakura didn’t consider him an outsider to her daily routine. Until Sarada began calling him daddy. Until Sakura didn’t even mind to find him with her daughter half naked in the bathroom, washing her bloodied underwear. Until the thought of him  _ not _ doing those things became one she avoided entertaining at all costs.

 

“Sarada’s upstairs,” Sakura said, weak and watery.

 

“Sakura.”

 

“I can’t answer that, it’s -- I’m married,” she protested, fighting tears. “It’s not right.”

 

“I don’t care about any of that,” he said, holding her, but she didn’t have the strength to run away this time. “I want to hear what you want. Despite everything else. No matter how it makes you feel right now.”

 

“If you just hadn’t…” Sakura sniffed, pausing before her voice broke. “If you’d just left me alone at the bar, I wouldn’t have to answer any of this.”

 

“Don’t make this my fault,” he whispered. “You came to my apartment.”

 

Sakura could only clench her jaw. Thighs trembling beneath her, she focused on her breathing. She didn’t want to cry again. 

 

“I told you I was fine with how things were. But you came to my apartment. You stayed even when I went to bed. You took the first step.”

 

Tears gathered in her eyes once more and Sakura could do little to stop them.

 

“Maybe I should have just told you to go home. I didn’t want to. You know I didn’t want to. You knew.”

 

Sakura wanted to smack herself for going there at all. 

 

“I said I would take what I could get,” Kakashi said, his voice quiet and even, “but that’s not what I meant. You can’t come to me and tell me I’m not allowed to do the same afterwards.”

 

It was selfish. Sakura truly was a selfish person.

 

“So give me this, at least. Do you want this?”

 

“I do.”

 

Awful as it was, as much as she hated it, it was true. She wanted it all. The way he looked at her -- whether when just folding laundry with her or in his bed -- Sakura wanted it. When they’d walked home from the bar, she’d hoped he’d tell her she was pretty tonight, even as she tried to hide her dress from him. She wanted the afternoons he spent with her, where she baked and he just read and they didn’t need to say anything. She wanted him to be there when Sarada needed someone. She wanted him to touch her now -- and to keep doing so.

 

Kakashi reclined until they were both lying down, ridiculous as it was -- Kakashi’s legs hung over the arm of the couch, Sakura on top of him, now facing him. With one hand, he lowered his mask, his other brushing her hair away from her face as it cupped her cheek. When Kakashi closed the distance between their lips, Sakura didn’t fight. Instead, she returned it, eager. 

 

When they broke apart, Sakura opened her eyes, watching the way his own eyes were half-lidded, heavy with both tiredness and affection. His skin changed hue, matching whichever one the tv emanated. 

 

“I must have lied,” Kakashi whispered, stroking her hair. “Things can’t be the same.”

 

“I know,” Sakura sighed into his shirt. “Not now, not anymore.”

 

“No one has to know.”

 

He meant it to be comforting, Sakura knew, but her heart only sank. 

 

“Kakashi,” she said, eyes searching his. “I can’t -- this won’t change everything.”

 

“I know,” Kakashi said, his chest rising high. “I only wanted to know.”

 

Sakura laid her head on his chest, listening to his breathing for a long time. She didn’t know what would happen now and it terrified her. As much as she wanted all of this, there were many other things she wanted. Most of all, she wanted freedom. A slice of her youth back, independance. To know that she didn’t need to answer to anyone but herself. 

 

But Sakura felt as if she was asking for the moon. In the end, Kakashi was offering her everything she was divorcing Sasuke for. She should have been happy, grateful, relieved. Anything but what she was feeling now.

 

As if she were there, Sakura heard her mother repeat to her yet again, “ _ You can’t have your cake and eat it too, silly.” _

 

....

 

Friday rolled about once more and Sakura found herself treading through the crowd of the market, going through the same motions she always did. Now that the entirety of her garden had wilted, Sakura carried heavier bags. Spending so much time caring for it when she could easily spare the money had left her little motivation to do so. 

 

“Yamada-san,” Sakura greeted once she reached his stall. “How’ve you been doing?”

 

“Wonderful as always, Haruno-san,” he said, cheerful. Sakura watched with greedy interest when his hand hid under the counter. “You’re looking bright today. Your husband in town?”

 

“Ah, um, not quite,” Sakura said, covering her lips with nervous fingers. “I just had a good day, is all.”

 

Her muscles had the sweet ache of a harsh training session with Tsunade. Under her dress, bruises covered her body still, but pride was all that Sakura felt about them. Painful as they might be, she cherished them. 

 

Yamada handed her a small plate with cut up watermelon, unflinching. “Today’s sample for my favorite customer.”

 

One taste, as per usual, was all that Sakura needed to be convinced. “I’ll have that big piece there,” she said, pointing to the fridge behind Yamada. She scanned the rest of his produce quickly. Everything had been crossed off her list, but the blueberries caught her eyes once more. “And blueberries, please.”

 

“Blueberries, too?” Yamada laughed. “Another cake to bake or are you just treating yourself?”

 

“Another birthday,” Sakura fibbed, handing him the amount that flashed on the register.

 

“You’ll have to bring me a sample sometime,” he said, the same bright smile he always had on his lips. “You’ve got to be a great baker.”

 

Sakura laughed, waving her hand dismissively. “I don’t know about that. Well, you have yourself a great day.”

 

“You as well, Haruno-san!”

 

Sakura turned on her heel and hurried away, feeling the beginning of tears building at the corners of her eyes. She didn’t know why she had felt the need to lie to Yamada -- no, actually, that was also a lie. She did know. 

 

He made her feel selfish. And again, that was a lie. No one could make her feel selfish. She simply was. 

 

Here she was, indulging in whatever little foods would make her happy tonight, unconcerned, when everything around her was crumbling. Sarada didn’t even know about the divorce yet. Neither did Sasuke, in fact. He was still out there, somewhere, thinking he would come home to a loving wife when, in fact, she was the exact opposite. Part of her hoped those were his exact thoughts, if only to make her believe he thought her that good a person. That he’d never think in a million years that she would cheat on him, yet she had. That she had let another man raise his daughter. 

 

Yamada’s words struck her once more. 

 

Out of all the reasons she could have been happy, why had he picked that one? 

 

Sarada was making beautiful progress training with Kakashi. Watching them together had filled Sakura’s heart with such pride that she thought her heart might not be able to take it. Sarada fought with the might of a lion, unrelenting in her offense, but wise enough to not forget her defense. With the right guiding hand, she would grow into a fine shinobi. 

 

Working at the hospital made her happy, too. Despite the grind of her current tasks, Sakura knew she could never give it up again. Not only the career, but the paychecks. The independance. Tsunade had watched her work the previous day, as well. A promotion couldn’t be so far out of her reach now.

 

Sakura was even shedding her hermit reputation now that she was finally able to go out more. Most Wednesday nights involved dinner with Shizune and whatever colleagues could free themselves. At lunch, Tsunade made her study as she ate, but she always sat with her. Until then, Sakura had forgotten what it was like to belong somewhere. 

 

A man was the last thing she would be glowing over today. Tsunade was right -- Sakura needed to train more. 

 

…

 

Sakura scrubbed her arms over the sink, jaw clenched so hard her teeth hurt. A man had vomited on her, a mixture of half digested food and blood. They’d rushed him to the emergency room immediately, fearing he’d ruptured his stomach ulcer -- which he had. Tsunade had barked at her to remain in the operating room to observe. 

 

Tears leaked from her eyes, rolling steadily down her cheeks.

 

It had all gone so, so wrong. They couldn’t control the bleeding. Worst of all, the patient underwent cardiac arrest, a rare complication from the anesthesia. At that point, Sakura pled Tsunade to let her help. 

 

With or without her help, there was nothing to be done. 

 

Sakura scrubbed harder. She’d forgotten what death felt like. What it looked like. 

 

For a long time, she’d only been exposed to it through movies -- or an occasional funeral. Occasions where a scene was staged, made up to be tolerable and brief. Real death in the field or in the hospital looked nothing like it. Too often, it was hours of writhing in pain, of shitting wherever you had the misfortune of lying because no one could help. It was ugly. There was no dignity in it. 

 

“Ah, Sakura, there you are.”

 

Sakura whipped her head around to find Naruto standing behind her, a young nurse to his side. 

 

“Hey, are you alright?” 

 

Sniffing, Sakura wiped at her cheeks with her wet arms. “Yes, Naruto. It’s fine. What is it?”

 

“Who let you in here?!” Tsunade barked as she entered the room, changed out of her bloody scrubs. “There’s a reason we have protocols!”

 

“But I’m Hokage -- “

 

“Hokage or not, sanitation doesn’t care!”

 

“I just came to tell Sakura that Sasuke’s here,” Naruto blurted out, holding up his hands defensively. “He’s waiting for her.”

 

“Then go the hell back out there and tell him he’ll have to wait until her shift’s over.”

 

“Wait, what?” Sakura let out, following after Tsunade when she moved to exit the room. “You can’t be serious!” 

 

“I can’t be serious?” Tsunade thundered as she spun on her heels. “You have a job here.  _ Do _ it.”

 

“But -- “

 

“No buts! If you leave before the end of your shift, you’re fired.”

 

“I’m  _ what _ ?” Sakura gasped. “You can’t -- that’s not -- “

 

“Not what? Fair?” Tsunade sniggered. “ _ You  _ said you weren’t a child anymore so don’t act like one.”

 

“I need to see him!” Sakura begged, more tears falling from her eyes. “I’ve been waiting for months!”

 

“Well tough luck, kid,” Tsunade spat. “I can’t have my doctors walking out on me just because they have a life outside work. They  _ all _ do. They deal with it outside of work hours and so will you.”

 

Sakura remained rooted to the spot even after Tsunade left, leaving Naruto to stare in disbelief. Trembling where she stood, Sakura cried harder and harder until she was simply sobbing. Shaken out of his shock, Naruto moved to hug her, but Sakura didn't let him.

 

“It’s fine,” she choked out. “It’s fine. She’s right.” Sniffing brokenly, Sakura wiped furiously at her eyes. “God fucking damnit.”

 

…

 

By the time Sakura finally reached their meeting spot, the sun was setting. Every time he came home, he always waited for her here. Today was no different; she found him sitting on the same tree stump. As her steps came to a halt, Sasuke stood and crossed the rest of the distance.

 

Hard as it was to believe, Sasuke was a man of habit. He enjoyed doing the same thing over and over. 

 

True to himself, Sasuke resumed their usual routine. He cupped her cheeks in his palms, tipping her head back so he could have a good look at her. This had always been Sakura’s favorite moment. The moment where she was the most excited to see him, where he looked at her in silence for so long, as if he’d never seen her before. 

 

“You’ve been crying,” he said, his voice deep and cool as she remembered it. “What happened?”

 

Sakura couldn’t help the tears that gathered and fell once more. She’d always been a crybaby and would remain so. Sasuke wiped her tears as they came. Then, he leaned in to kiss her. Because he knew it always calmed her better than anything else. He’d never cared much for the gesture otherwise. Through the tears, Sakura couldn’t help but return it, clutching his forearms. 

 

When they broke apart, Sasuke pressed his forehead to hers. “Tell me.”

 

“Sasuke,” she said, voice so broken and watery, “I want a divorce.” 

 


	6. False Promises

**Chapter 6: False Promises**

 

**__**

  
  


“Sasuke,” Sakura said, voice so broken and watery, “I want a divorce.” 

 

For a time, Sakura didn’t dare to look into Sasuke’s eyes. Neither of them moved an inch and Sakura entertained the thought that time might have stopped for them. Heart racing in her ribcage, all she could feel was the urge the throw up. What had she just said? The full impact of it rammed into her only now. There would be no more of any of this. Of Sasuke’s gentle touch and kisses, of being asked why she cried, of feeling loved by him. 

 

“I love you, Sakura.”

 

She heard him swallow, the simple sound of it sending her down another spiral. Easy as it had been to pretend otherwise until now, Sasuke did love her. She wouldn’t be the only one to suffer. “I know,” she whispered, leaning her forehead against his shoulder. “I know. I’m so sorry.”

 

Sasuke grabbed her shoulders, forcing her to remain a distance away as he scrutinized every detail of her face. “Don’t you love me anymore?”

 

“Of course I still do,” Sakura cried, wiping at her eyes. “But I can’t live like this anymore.”

 

“Then we’ll fix it. This is -- “

 

“No.” Sakura shook her head. Inside of her chest, her heart shattered in a million pieces. But she knew better now. “You know we can’t.”

 

Sasuke fell silent. He knew it, too. Fixing it would only mean they would trade places. She’d be free and he’d be an animal trapped in a cage far smaller than hers. 

 

“You promised,” Sasuke said, his voice not so smooth anymore. His hands fell from her shoulders to fist at his sides. “Forever and ever and always.”

 

A sob heaved Sakura’s chest, more tears falling from her eyes. She pressed the heel of her palms into her eyes, willing all of this to be one big nightmare. “I’m so sorry.”

 

Forever and ever and always, they’d say to each other in moments of doubt. There had been many in the months leading up to their wedding. Sakura had been afraid she couldn’t bear his absence, especially when she’d found out about her pregnancy, but she soldiered on. No matter the doubts, Sakura had the conviction that everything would work out. Nothing would ever break her bond to him -- and she had believed it so, so deeply that Sasuke had believed her too.

 

Yet, here she stood, discarding that bond for another life. It cut into her deeper than she could have imagined -- losing a feeling she had believed so unshakeable. 

 

“You’re not taking my daughter.”

 

The venom in Sasuke’s voice shocked her out of her bubble. Sakura looked up to him, shaking her head. “Of course I’m not taking Sarada from you,” she cried, appalled he could jump to such conclusions. “You’re her father. You’ll always be.”

 

“Then she’s coming with me,” Sasuke said, bypassing Sakura to walk towards the village.

 

It took a moment for Sakura to fully process what he had just said. Panic in her chest, Sakura ran after him. “You can’t do that!”

 

“I can’t do  _ what _ ?” Sasuke spat, stopping dead in his tracks to glare back at her. “See my own daughter?”

 

“That’s not what I said,” Sakura said, grabbing a fistful of his sleeve in a weak attempt to keep him from leaving. “She can’t go with you -- it could be years until I see her again!”

 

The horrible look Sasuke shot her made Sakura’s arms go limp. Sasuke hadn’t even seen his daughter since her birth. He didn’t get to spend time with her. Ever. 

 

“That’s not my fault,” Sakura whispered. “You chose not to see her.”

 

“Do you know why I chose not to?” Sasuke said, fingers tipping Sakura’s chin up so she had no choice but to face him. “I knew if I saw her -- even just once -- I couldn’t possibly stay away.”

 

“Then why didn’t you?”

 

“You know why I did,” Sasuke said, scowling. “It’s why you accepted it.”

 

Sakura did know, but knowing wasn’t good enough anymore. “Say it. I want to hear it.”

 

“I was afraid if I did stay, I would turn her into me.” Harsh as his words were, Sasuke said them without a wince or breaking their locked gazes. “I was afraid what staying in Konoha would do to me -- after what it did to my brother. After all I’ve already done. You both would’ve come to hate me.”

 

Sakura took his hand into hers, pressing her lips to his knuckles. “What good did that do us, Sasuke?”

 

Lips pressing in one thin, tight line, Sasuke turned his eyes to the ground, all colors of emotion swirling in them. 

 

“You haven’t been here,” Sakura continued, bolstered by the words that lined up in her mind. “You haven’t seen Sarada cry night after night because she thinks daddy doesn’t love her. You didn’t see me crying harder than she did every single time. You didn’t have to give up who you were.”

 

“You and Sarada are  _ all _ I have,” Sasuke lashed out, but Sakura didn’t budge. She’d seen his anger so many times -- it had stopped scaring her when he’d first tried to kill her. “You’re  _ all _ I’ve allowed myself to have!”

 

Lips twisting in a sad smile, Sakura reached out to cup Sasuke’s cheeks in her palms. “Listen to yourself, Sasuke. You made this. But I don’t want to suffer with you anymore,” she whispered. “I must have believed that one day, you’d finally come around. You’d put the past behind you and be able to live with us, in the present. But I was wrong, wasn’t I?”

 

“Then I should never have married you in the first place.”

 

Sakura’s hands dropped slowly away from him. Placid eyes on his, Sakura found no words to say this time.

 

“I want to see my daughter. Now.”

 

Swallowing the lump in her throat, Sakura nodded. They walked together in silence, Sasuke several paces ahead of her. When the gate finally came into view, so did Kakashi. At the sight of Sasuke, he stood straighter, removing his hands from his pockets. 

 

“He knew,” Sasuke said, so calm it sent shivers down Sakura’s spine. “Does my daughter know?”

 

“She doesn’t.”

 

Without another word, Sasuke crossed the gate into the village. Kakashi joined her, placing a gentle hand on her shoulder that Sakura promptly shook off. 

 

“Why did you even come here?”

 

Kakashi didn’t answer. 

 

“Where is she?”

 

“At home,” he said. 

 

The minutes that passed until they reached the house felt like an eternity, every step heavier than the previous. This was not how she had envisioned her daughter and husband first meeting. It  _ wasn’t _ how she wanted it. 

 

At the doorstep, Sakura rushed ahead of Sasuke. “Just let me tell her you’re here first.”

 

Sasuke nodded, and with his permission, Sakura hurried inside to find Sarada. “Sarada?”

 

“Mom?” Sarada called as she came downstairs, hearing the strain in her voice. 

 

“Sarada-chan,” Sakura repeated, forcing a semblance of a smile on her lips. “Your father is here.”

 

Sarada froze mid-step, eyes growing wide. With a tentative look towards the door, she stepped closer. “Now? Right here?”

 

Sakura nodded. 

 

Joyful wonder on her face, Sarada ran to the door and opened it. Sasuke stood there, waiting patiently. His daughter before him, all anger and tension bled from his body. 

 

“Dad?” Sarada said softly, taking a fearful step towards him. “You’re my… you’re my dad?”

 

Sasuke nodded and, immediately, Sarada threw herself at him, arms reaching around him to embrace him. Frozen, Sasuke couldn’t move -- only stare at her with the same wide eyes Sarada had just looked at Sakura with. Then, he moved, slowly, until he, too, was hugging Sarada tight against his body. 

 

“I never thought I’d see you,” Sarada cried into his chest, the sound muffled. “Am I dreaming?”

 

“You’re not,” Sasuke said, breaking apart so he could kneel and take a good look at her. “I’m here.”

 

Sarada reached out, touching his cheeks, then his shoulders and his hair, as if to confirm he was real. Sasuke’s hand mimicked hers with the same wonder. 

 

“You’re beautiful,” he whispered, taking her small hands in his.

 

“Please have dinner with us tonight,” Sarada said, practically bouncing with joy. She turned to Kakashi, shining eyes begging. “He can, right?”

 

Kakashi’s eyes shot up to meet Sakura’s. Sakura’s lips parted, but she struggled to find her voice. “Of course he can, Sarada-chan.”

 

Sasuke wasn’t fooled. Kneeling with Sarada tugging at his hand to stand up, Sasuke locked eyes with Sakura, rage burning so hot in them that it petrified Sakura where she stood. 

 

When he finally stood and followed Sarada inside, not a word passing through his lips, Sakura sagged with relief. 

 

Noticing Kakashi remained outside, Sarada frowned. “Aren’t you coming?”

 

Until this very moment, Sakura had never realized how much she had downplayed Kakashi’s role in their lives to Sasuke. She’d spoken of him, of course, but had carefully avoided revealing how close he was to Sarada, unconscious or not.

 

She’d never thought she would one day lie to Sasuke, either. Especially not so soon in their marriage.

 

Kakashi walked inside, shutting the door behind him. Unlike Sakura, Sasuke’s burning gaze didn’t affect him. 

 

“Why don’t you two go sit and talk?” Sakura said quickly, ushering Sarada to the table. “It’s long overdue.”

 

Sarada sat, looking at Sasuke eagerly. With a single blink of his eyes, Sasuke shed his livid air and sat with her. 

 

Satisfied, Sakura hurried to the fridge, Kakashi on her heels. He retrieved the pots and pans for tonight’s dinner, as he usually did. Sakura grabbed everything she needed from the fridge, not missing Sasuke’s watchful eye on Kakashi from the corner of her eyes. 

 

…

 

Fingers tapping a nervous rhythm on the table, Sakura sat, a cold cup of tea before her. With her eyes so fixated on Sarada and Sasuke on the couch, Kakashi’s hand on hers was enough to startle her. Anxious eyes on him, Sakura waited for him to say something, but he remained silent. Instead, he held her hand tighter, his thumb massaging her palm. 

 

It was late already -- only the tv had been providing light for them for quite a while now. To Sarada, time had ceased existing. Her lips had hardly stopped moving for the past few hours, flying from one subject to the next and then another. Sakura would have expected the barrage of question to send Sasuke into a sour mood, but he answered each and every one of her questions with a smile on his handsome face -- going as far as to even add some of his own. 

 

To see Sarada opening up and being happy should have made Sakura happy -- and it did, in the bottom of her heart -- but knowing why he had finally come and what would come tainted all of it. Much to Sakura’s surprise, Kakashi was sitting back in his chair, a leg thrown over his other knee, even a smile on his face. 

 

“How can you smile like that?” Sakura asked him, barely a breath of a whisper. 

 

She stared down at their joined hands, fingers tightening around his. Kakashi laid watchful eyes on her for a moment, before returning his gaze to Sarada. “She’s happy.”

 

“You know it won’t last.”

 

Kakashi turned to her again. It was a time before he answered, his dark, calm eyes wandering between their hands, Sakura, then back to their hands. “She’s happy now. Now is the only chance you get to enjoy it.”

 

Sakura hummed quietly. She looked at Sarada and Sasuke once more, a new light shed on them. Kakashi was right; he usually was. For years, Sakura had dreamed of seeing this enraptured expression on her daughter’s beautiful face. Countless hours spent on it, and here she was, letting this precious moment slip away from her. 

 

Before long, Sasuke stood, claiming it was time for bed. A glance at the clock confirmed it was long past their usual bedtime. Sarada groused some, but complied without too much trouble. 

 

“Come kiss me goodnight,” Sakura said as Sarada heading for the stairs, scolding. 

 

To this, too, Sarada complied without her recently acquired habit of avoidance and complaining. Kakashi didn’t even have to ask. Sarada threw her arms around his neck and pecked his cheek, too happy to be difficult. 

 

“Sleep quick,” Kakashi said, holding her against him. “Tomorrow will come faster.”

 

With a firm nod, Sarada went to her bedroom, her steps quick and loud on the ceiling above them. 

 

“It’s late.”

 

Sasuke’s eyes were pointedly staring at Kakashi, but, loyal to his character, Kakashi didn’t budge. “I’m perfectly comfortable right here.”

 

Sakura gave his shoulder a shove, reprimanding frown on her face. 

 

Patient as he always had been, Sasuke crossed his arms over his chest. “Get out.”

 

“Such love for your former teacher,” Kakashi lamented, gesturing exaggeratedly. “I expected a warmer reunion after five years.”

 

Abruptly, Sakura stood, gathering their remaining cups from the table, far more exhausted than she recalled being just a minute ago. She emptied their contents in the sink, watching the tea swirl into the drain. “Just go home, Kakashi.”

 

When she looked up, Kakashi had already stood. He faced Sasuke, one arm on his shoulder, so close they were cheek to cheek rather than face to face. From the movement of his mask, Sakura could gather he had spoken, though she could hear none of it. Whatever it was that he’d said, it left Sasuke conflicted over how to react. 

 

Bidding them goodnight, Kakashi left without further fight.

 

The door had barely clicked shut that Sasuke was at her side. “Explain.”

 

“Explain what?” Sakura rinsed out the cups, placing them together with the rest of the dirty dishes.

 

“Do you take me for an idiot?” Sasuke growled, struggling to keep his voice down to a whisper.

 

“I don’t,” Sakura said, turning to stare him down. “What do you take  _ me _ for?”

 

Sasuke hesitated, his adam’s apple bobbing as he swallowed. “You’re sleeping with him.”

 

“I am _ not _ ,” Sakura hissed, each word slow and sharp on her tongue. “That’s not how things are between us.”

 

“Then how are they?” Sasuke spat. When Sakura paused to find the right words, Sasuke continued. “Sarada asked  _ him _ permission. As if he had any say.”

 

“Is it so hard to understand why?” Sakura said, throwing her hands up. “Just think a little!”

 

Sasuke grabbed her arm as he turned around, but Sakura recoiled, jerking it out of his grab. 

 

“I don’t want to fight here,” he said. “Whispering like this, it’s ridiculous.”

 

Sakura scoffed, hands on her hips. “Welcome to parenthood.”

 

It was true. It was ridiculous, but it was also one of the many odd manners parenthood inflicted upon you. Many a times, Sakura and Kakashi had hissed and scream-whispered at each other, driven by fatigue and being at the end of their wits with a young baby. 

 

Sasuke tried to argue, but he found no words.

 

Clearer than all the rest, Sakura remembered when they had fought about milk. Sarada and been sick and crying night and day for days on end. Having found Sakura bleary-eyed and crying on her way to the market, Kakashi had offered his help. He had stayed around for a few days then -- the only time he’d slept in her house -- and had quickly gained Sakura’s exact symptoms. Perhaps too spoiled by Kakashi prior, Sakura had asked him to go get formula in the middle of the night as he tried to nap on the couch. Kakashi had proceeded to burst in the first of few tantrums she’d ever seen him throw. It was all hilarious to her now, recalling how he’d been so passionately telling her to go get the fucking formula herself and that he needed goddamn sleep. And why doesn’t she just breastfeed, for god’s sake. All in a tiny whispered voice so they didn’t wake Sarada. 

 

“I’m exhausted and I want to go to bed,” Sakura said. “So this is it or nothing.”

 

“You let another man take my place in my daughter’s life,” Sasuke hissed, black eyes coming to life with fire once more. “How could you allow this?”

 

“How could I?” Sakura laughed once she’d regained control of her slack jaw. Her own fire reignited, Sakura pressed her palms to the cool material of the counter. “Because you weren’t there! She had no father! Because Kakashi  _ was _ there. He was there when I needed a shoulder to cry on so I could still be sane enough to take care of my baby. He was there when I was too sick to properly care for her. He was there when Sarada cried, when she was happy, when she thought daddy didn't love her.” Fighting for breath, Sakura continued, “Because  _ you _ couldn’t be bothered to be her father.”

 

Watching the fire in his eyes be doused by none other than her, satisfaction bubbled in Sakura’s chest. It was awful -- but then again, she was an awful person -- that she would be happy about such a thing, but she was. For once, she wasn’t simply listening and nodding, accepting everything he threw her way. 

 

“I’m staying here,” Sasuke finally said.

 

Sakura fell silent. Sasuke looked her dead in the eye, determined.

 

“You’re what?” 

 

“I’m staying here,” Sasuke repeated, placing gentle hands on her hips. He tugged until she faced him. “I’m not going anywhere anymore.”

 

“That’s not how a divorce works,” Sakura whispered, limp hands on his chest to keep him from coming any closer.

 

“I don’t care.”

 

“Sasuke -- “

 

“Give me one more chance,” he whispered, a tinge of pleading in his deep voice. “Give our family one more chance.”

 

“We both know you’ll hate living here,” Sakura whispered. Sasuke’s hands travelled up to her back and he pulled her against him. “You can’t do this.”

 

“I can’t lose you,” Sasuke whispered against her ear. “Let me try.”

 

“I can’t.”

 

“One month.” His voice wavered, just enough for needles to prick Sakura’s heart. “Just one month. I’ll accept however things turn out after I know I’ve at least tried.”

 

With heavy eyes, Sakura looked up at the ceiling from his shoulder. Sarada’s bedroom was right above them.

 

“Okay. One month.”

 

…

 

The next morning, Sakura walked into the hospital already wishing the day was over. Sleeping with Sasuke at her side, heavenly as it had sounded a few months ago, had made getting a decent night’s rest near impossible. When Sakura’s alarm clock rang, Sasuke shut it off and went back to bed without a second thought. Sakura immediately rushed into her morning routine -- the quicker she was out the door, the better. That didn’t sit well with Sasuke, though. He didn’t even know where she was going, after all. So she explained, and he tried to convince her to stay, but Sakura was having none of it.

 

All in all, Sakura considered herself lucky enough to only show up with somewhat disheveled hair and dark lines under her eyes. 

 

The intercom screeched to life. “Haruno Sakura. My office.  _ Now _ .”

 

Sakura buried her face into her hands groaned. Her feet carried her to Tsunade’s office without pause, knowing the futility of stalling. Once near the door, Sakura fought her hair into submission and stepped inside.

 

“Yes, shishou?”

 

“You’re promoted.” Tsunade said, face down into her paperwork.

 

“What?”

 

“What?” Tsunade parroted, finally sparing Sakura a moment’s glance. “What  _ what _ ? Do you not understand what promoted means?”

 

Sakura stood limp, stunned into silence. “Yesterday you wanted to fire me.”

 

“If you left before the end of your shift,” Tsunade said, matter-of-fact. “You didn’t.”

 

With a pitiful howl of frustration, Sakura stomped the few steps to Tsunade’s desk and slammed her palms onto it. “For fuck’s sake, will you  _ stop _ !” she rasped. “You don’t get to play with my life like this!”

 

Satisfied smile on her lips, Tsunade straightened her back. She gathered the papers on her desk and, taking her sweet, sweet time, put them away. When Sakura was about to burst, Tsunade finally looked her in the eye. “Because you  _ love _ every  _ single _ second of it.”

 

In her rage-induced silence, Sakura couldn’t muster the control needed to quiet her twitching lips.

 

“You get complacent when you’re coddled, and you know it,” Tsunade continued, the same smug smirk on her lips that Sakura had wanted to rip from her face a thousand times already. “That’s why  _ you _ keep coming back for more every time.”

 

With a long huff, Sakura dropped into a chair across from Tsunade. “Can I go and get to work then?”

 

Tsunade laughed, reclining in her seat. “You don’t even know what you were promoted to.” When Sakura looked back up for clarification, Tsunade provided it. “You’re an intern.”

 

Sakura’s mouth fell, but she was quick to snap it closed again. “I get to do surgeries again?”

 

“You say that like you thought you would be cleaning bed pans for the rest of your days.” Tsunade reached in her bottom drawer and Sakura suppressed a groan. “Here.”

 

Sakura barely caught the box that Tsunade threw her. Strangely enough, she had even taken the time to have it wrapped. Skilled as Tsunade was with a chakra scalpel, visual arrangements were not her field of expertise. Forgetting her anger in favor of excitement, Sakura tore the package open. 

 

“Shishou…” 

 

Inside, Sakura found a belt much like the one she used to wear. Inside the largest pouch, she found a full set of surgery tools. Careful as she could be, Sakura unrolled the black material and inspected each tool with the tip of her fingers. 

 

“But this is for field use,” Sakura whispered, peeking into every pouch for a new surprise. “I’m not in the active roster.”

 

“Nothing a quick word with Hokage dearest can’t fix.”

 

Sakura hesitated, longing eyes on her gift. “I can’t accept this.”

 

Tsunade hummed. Sakura looked up at her mentor, anticipating the disappointment she would find. Tsunade failed to launch into another tirade, much to Sakura’s surprise. 

 

“Don’t look at me like that,” Tsunade scolded. “There are choices I cannot make for you. Your life is yours to mold, not mine.”

 

Tears in the corners of her eyes, Sakura jumped to her feet to go hug Tsunade. Tsunade returned it, tapping Sakura on the back.

 

“I wasted many, many years of my life,” Tsunade said into Sakura’s hair. “I won’t stand back and watch you do the same, least of all for a man.”

 

“Thank you, Shishou…” Sakura whispered, clinging tighter to Tsunade. 

 

“You’ve got the strength of a million. In mind and body. You go fuck up another training field or bake with it, I don’t give a shit -- do whatever you want.”

 

Sakura straightened, mustering the least watery face she could. “Yes, shishou.”

 

“Now go work,” Tsunade said, waving her hand dismissively. “Shizune will begin your training today. I’ll take over starting next week.”

 

“Yes, shishou!” Sakura said, hurrying for the door. Her hand on the knob, she stopped, turning to flash Tsunade one last smile. “Thank you.”

 

…

 

Walking through the streets, Sakura’s eyes wandered here and there, one moment gazing at a house’s pretty garden, another at the sky and the birds flying about. Below her feet, the tip of her heels clicked. It wasn’t quite enough to make Sakura forget the ache in them, but the tradeoff was worth it. Her entire body ached all the same as her feet and Sakura would not trade the feeling for anything in the world. It was a pain once so familiar, one she had missed dearly. Depleting her chakra always left her with a unique kind of pain -- one that made her body feel empty rather than heavy as lead. 

 

The same way Sakura’s green eyes jumped from one object to the next, her mind ran wild with dreams and hopes. Being promoted to intern was the first step, far from the last. It would most likely be a while until she was a full-fledged medic once more -- a position far from as high as Sakura’s hand reached for. A week ago, she had been happy to even be allowed to clean bed pans. Now that she had the tiniest taste of more, Sakura knew she would never be happy again. 

 

Not until Tsunade offered her to run the surgery department once more. 

 

It had been within her grasp in the past, a short time before Sarada’s birth. For reasons she could no longer comprehend, Sakura had turned her nose up at it. Sasuke had already asked her to quit her job and focus on raising their daughter. Sakura had taken great pride in it for the longest time. Sasuke was confident in her ability to help shape their daughter in the best person she could be, and it was the greatest gift.

 

Yet, the older Sarada grew, the more Sakura realized she could only nudge her in the right direction. Sarada would become who she decided, no matter how much Sakura tried to push her into a direction she estimated as better. As she watched her grow, Sakura realized that Sarada would hone her character throughout her own experiences -- exactly as Sakura had herself. No nagging mother could change this.

 

Again, Sakura thought to herself, she had lied. She knew exactly why she had turned down the job -- and why she couldn’t tell which choice she’d make were she to return to the past. The obvious choice remained the job, but Sakura couldn’t muster a confident answer. All the days and nights spent with Sarada would be gone. The job would have been heavily time-consuming, after all. 

 

With a huff, Sakura sped her steps. It all mattered little now. The past was the past. 

 

Bottle of umeshu in hand, Sakura knocked on the door of Ino’s home. 

 

“Oh, Sakura,” Ino said, blinking her wide blue eyes as she opened the door. “I didn’t expect you.”

 

“I know,” Sakura said, an uncontrollable smirk possessing her lips. “But I’ve got awesome news and I want to celebrate with you.”

 

There it was again. The lie that tugged at Ino’s lips. “Really? Well, come in!”

 

Happy as she tried to appear, Ino was hiding something from her. She had for a while, actually. Sakura recalled questioning over the phone about her over her absence at the izakaya a month prior and how vague Ino had been. 

 

As she set glasses down on the coffee table, Ino smiled up at Sakura. “So, spill it. What’s the big news?”

 

“I got promoted.”

 

“Really?” Ino placed dainty fingers on her glass, lifting it with the delicate manner Shizune had never managed to instill in Sakura. “That’s amazing! Sasuke will be so proud. He doesn’t even know you have a job, and here you are, already promoted.”

 

To untrained ears, the waver in Ino’s voice as she said Sasuke’s name would have been innocent. Sakura frowned and took one long sip from her glass. “He’s here.”

 

“Oh.”

 

Sakura set sharp eyes on Ino. Trained as she had been in infiltration, Ino had never been a good liar to her. After a decade of being left to waste away, she had become even worse at it. Ino, aware she was caught, only shrank under Sakura’s scrutiny.

 

“Tell me what’s wrong already, Ino-pig,” Sakura said. “I’m sick of you beating around the bush.”

 

“Nothing’s wrong!” To her credit, Ino remained as stubborn as Sakura. “Why would you think that?”

 

With an exasperated sigh, Sakura got to her feet. Swallowing the rest of her wine, she headed for Sai’s office. Once Ino’s mind caught up with her, she rushed towards Sakura. 

 

“Sai!” Sakura thundered as she slammed his door open. “What is Ino hiding from me?”

 

Sai glanced at her from over his shoulder, hunched over his large sheets as he always was. For a moment, he hesitated, then settled on a gentle smile. “If I were to say it, I would be breaking my wife’s trust. That is unadvisable.”

 

“I’ll tell you what’s unadvisable,” Sakura growled, raising a dangerous fist. “Not telling me!”

 

“Sakura,” Ino cried, tugging on Sakura’s shirt mercilessly. “I said it’s nothing!”

 

“You make a good point. You also are my friend -- “

 

“Sai just confirmed there  _ was _ something!” Sakura countered, pointing at him. “So why don’t you just tell me?”

 

Ino sucked her lips into a pout, looking up at Sakura with that sad puppy face she always hated so much. It worked well on men, Sakura had to admit, but this was pointless.

 

“Sai-kun,” Sakura singsonged, turning to him once more. “Ino is breaking my trust. You are also breaking mine. So be a good friend and tell me the truth. I will also punch you repeatedly if you don’t.”

 

“You are getting divorced.”

 

Losing all momentum, Sakura froze where she stood, the sweet smile wiped off her face. 

 

“I’m so sorry!” Ino cried, burying her face in her hands. “I just didn’t want you to feel awkward!”

 

“How did you know?” Sakura whispered. “Who told you?”

 

“Hinata.” Ino wiped tears from her eyes, nervous hands clutching at Sakura’s. “But she didn’t mean to! You know how I get, right? She was super uncomfortable after Naruto told her and I pried it out of her and -- and now…”

 

“And now what?”

 

“I wasn’t alone with Hinata…”

 

Sakura’s heart sank further. It hit her now -- why the girls had turned down Shizune’s invitation. What Shizune and Tenten bickered about at the izakaya. They had known for a long time already.

 

“You just can’t leave things alone, can’t you?” Sakura barked, shaking Ino’s hands away from her. “You never can!”

 

“It’s not my fault!” Ino tried to defend, but even her voice was weak. “I didn’t want to force this on you!”

 

“How would  _ you _ feel if I went and spread your secret around?”

 

Ino flinched, her perfect blonde hair swaying back and forth. At the hurt in her eyes, Sakura regretted her words immediately. Ino had never whispered word to anyone of any confession Sakura made to her. 

 

“I’m sorry,” Ino whimpered. “I never thought it was something like that.”

 

Sakura sighed, expelling her anger with it. Hurt as she was, Ino was honest. Taunting her so had been unfair. Though Sakura had never understood the shame Ino found in her shotgun marriage, she held her tongue for her friend. Sakura found shame elsewhere, but it was all the same. As much as she played on it, Ino had always hated the airhead, flirty girl reputation she carried. When she had found out she was pregnant from a fling with Sai -- however that could happen -- she had come crying to Sakura’s doorstep. Weeks later, they were married, and Sakura did her best to pass off Ino’s delivery as an early birth when it came. 

 

“No, I’m sorry,” Sakura said, gathering Ino into a tight hug. Ino threw her arms around Sakura’s neck. After a moment, Sakura separated from her. Tears stung at her eyes, but she did her best to smile. “I’ll head home. Thank you, Sai. I’ll see you soon, Ino.”

 


	7. Making Ends Meet

**Chapter 7: Making Ends Meet**

 

**___**

 

Sakura cursed as she stubbed her toe on the corner of the couch. In the dark as she was, it might as well have been invisible. Or maybe it was because she had finished the bottle of umeshu and her level of intoxication was a tad high. Either way, Sakura only cared about dropping on the couch's cushions and sleeping it all off.

 

“Where were you?”

 

With an internal groan, Sakura looked up to find her husband's silhouette in the stairs. “Celebrating.”

 

Sasuke’s feet padded quietly on the floor as he made his way to her. When he sat at her side, the cushions gave into his weight, sliding Sakura’s body closer to his. “What were you celebrating?”

 

“My promotion,” Sakura chuckled. “It was an amazing day.”

 

Or it should've been. Now Sakura couldn't bear the thought of showing her face. Tenten knew. With her loud mouth, perhaps all their acquaintances knew. The divorce wasn't even official yet. 

 

“You're not happy,” Sasuke said. Sakura used to love his voice. Always so deep and smooth and stable. Now it was as bland as wet paper to her ears. “What happened? “

 

“Coworkers are gossipping about me at work,” Sakura fibbed. “You know how girls are.”

 

Sasuke simply hummed. He lied on the couch with her, taking her in his arms, and Sakura couldn't decide whether she wanted to get away or stay, so she took the easy way out. She left her head on his chest, listening to his heart. 

 

For a time, they lied there in silence. Sasuke had never been a big talker. Sakura didn't want to talk. One by one, his fingers brushed up and down her arm. Sakura knew their dance very well. Rare as it was that they had a chance to make love, it almost always started with this. 

 

When Sasuke leaned closer to kiss her, Sakura dipped her chin lower. “I don't want to.”

 

It was ridiculous. Sakura had craved this for so long, and she was turning it down. 

 

Sasuke pulled away, voicing no complaint or hurt. 

 

Short as it had been, the one time she had shared Kakashi’s bed replayed in her mind. That was what Sakura wanted. Not a night spent without a wink of sleep because they wouldn't have an opportunity again for so long. Quiet, nice sex. With someone she knew cared deeply for her. 

 

Stoic as he was, Sasuke hadn't been unaffected by Sakura's refusal and horrible as it seemed, it had been part of her motivations. For years, he had barely answered his phone, barely talked to her even when he did. She didn't care what important reason he had. Now, she could give him a taste of what he had done to her. 

 

A heavy weight nonetheless rested on her heart. He hadn't deserved being cheated on. The fault was entirely hers, no matter how she tried to justify herself. If he hadn't made her wait months, she told herself, she wouldn't have done it. If he hadn't left her to rot here, she wouldn't have. But whatever the excuse, Sakura knew that waiting would not have killed her. 

 

Yet, in the back of her mind, in the deepest pit of her heart, Sakura couldn't feel ashamed to the extent she should have. 

 

…

 

Kicking her shoes off, Sakura almost moaned. After a full shift on her feet, depleting her chakra, and making the horrible decision of wearing heels still, removing her shoes was probably the definition of heaven. Drawn by the noise she made, Sasuke joined her downstairs, one towel around his hips and a second he wiped his wet hair with. Though Sakura greeted him casually, all she wanted was peace. For a week he’d spent every minute of her free time with her and Sakura couldn’t stand it anymore. 

 

“You look horrible,” he said, waltzing through the living room to her. Tipping her chin up, he flashed her a smirk. “Tough day?”

 

Sakura scoffed, turning her head to the side, but Sasuke was quick to lean down and kiss her. Sakura returned it. However mechanical the motion, she figured it was better than constantly refusing him when they were supposed to mend their marriage.

 

“I’m exhausted,” Sakura said, dropping onto the couch. “I actually had to step in and help in a surgery today. This big mission turned really bad and there weren’t enough medics to handle it.”

 

“Good thing they had you, hm?” Sasuke said. 

 

Sakura gave a quick nod. “Someone would have died without me today.”

 

Sasuke’s dark eyes met hers, holding their gaze intently. “You’re beautiful.”

 

“You said I looked horrible just now,” Sakura laughed, brittle smile on her lips. “You change your mind fast.”

 

Humming, Sasuke ran one of his hands through her hair. It felt nice; it always did. Having her hair played with was one of her favorite feelings. “I hadn’t seen that look in a long time.”

 

“What look?” 

 

“The one you always had when your palms glow green,” he said. 

 

Heat rushing to her cheeks, Sakura smiled, shaky as it was. Before he could say more, Sakura pushed off the couch and onto her feet. “Better get to making dinner. What is Sarada doing?”

 

“She just got back from training.” Sasuke followed Sakura into the kitchen. “She’s in the bath.”

 

With heavy hands, Sakura placed the vegetables she intended to cut up on the counter. Briefly, she wished the expression of glaring daggers to be true. Perhaps she wouldn’t have to do so much work then.

 

“Go sit down.” Sasuke stood at her side, nudging a startled Sakura away from the offensive ingredients. “I can cook tonight.”

 

Reluctantly, Sakura moved away, walking around the counter to sit and watch him. “ _ Can _ you?”

 

Sasuke shot her a funny look, one eyebrow rising high. 

 

“Right, right,” Sakura laughed. He did live all by himself. Given their bank statements, he couldn’t be eating takeout all the time. “My bad.”

 

Confident as he’d been, Sasuke now scanned the kitchen, unmoving. 

 

“The drawer there.” Sakura pointed to it for him. “The knives are there.”

 

Step by step, Sakura walked Sasuke through the different kitchen items he needed. Only now did she realize to what extent he was a stranger to this home. He had never stepped foot into it until a week ago. Though Sasuke’s expression turned sour quickly and remained so during the whole process, he worked without complaint. Before long, Sarada joined them. 

 

“You’re cooking?” she asked, chin propped in her palms and a laugh on her lips. “I always wondered what you ate.”

 

“I like to hunt,” Sasuke answered, jovial for Sarada. “What were you expecting?”

 

Sarada shrugged her shoulders. “I thought you might. It makes sense.”

 

“Of course you’d eat mostly meat,” Sakura sighed and shook her head, motherly instincts flaring up. “You and Naruto were always terrible like that.”

 

By the time Sasuke was done with dinner, Sakura’s stomach was growling. Simple as it was, Sasuke’s cooking smelled good. Sarada helped set the table, as she often did, and they all sat together. Sasuke’s presence was still unsettling to Sakura -- nothing alike the usual ambience she was so used to. Silent as Kakashi tended to be, the air was always light around him. He was quick to smile, tease and moved like the lazy cat he also liked to be. Where he sat, Sasuke was silent, too, when Sarada didn’t strike conversation, but no smile graced his lips and he didn’t try to cover the kitchen’s clock’s ticking with lame jokes.

 

Feeling the weight of her eyes on him, Sasuke threw her a glance. Plastering a smile on her face, she commented on the food’s good taste. Sasuke turned to Sarada instead, asking about her training. Launching into another monologue, Sarada filled the void.

 

To see such a constant smile on her daughter’s face warmed Sakura’s heart. Sarada did smile when Kakashi ate with them, but it wasn’t as bright or so full of excitement. Time would dim those feelings, she knew, but didn’t diminish their worth. No matter how deep Sarada and Kakashi’s bond ran, she yearned for a real relationship with her father. To have a family like most of the students she had attended the academy with.

 

Despite it all, Sakura was trying to break her dream apart.

 

And for what? Sakura had no plans following the divorce. Freedom was her only goal. She equated freedom with happiness, but how true would it prove once she no longer wore her ring? Ino and Sai managed to be happy, regardless of their improvised situation. Hinata and Naruto weren’t on the verge of drifting apart even if Naruto was barely ever free -- in mind or body. His family lived with it and thrived somehow. Temari and Shikamaru were the only couple she knew to have married for love and who lived relatively quiet lives. In the shinobi world, their situation was exceptional.

 

Sakura was left to ponder over the aftermath of her decision. What it would do to Sasuke and Sarada. To herself. Tenten crossed her mind. No, she did not want to be like Tenten. Forever a single mother with a string of short flings, unable to build anything lasting. She didn’t want to be in Kakashi’s shoes, either. She didn’t want unrequited love, or complicated love. Most of all, she didn’t want to be loveless. 

 

“I’m going to train with Kakashi-san,” Sarada said, still chewing her food as she stood. “I’ll be back later tonight.”

 

“Okay. Be safe, Sarada-chan.”

 

Sakura waved to her daughter, but she was already running out the door. 

 

“Has Kakashi been training her for a long time?” 

 

Startled, Sakura turned to Sasuke. Seeing his empty plate, she stood to clear the table. “No, not very long. A month, I think?”

 

Sasuke followed her in the kitchen. “Who is her team leader?”

 

“She didn’t say? It’s Shikamaru.”

 

A chuckle was Sasuke’s response. Sakura found it fitting. Lazy and annoyed as he always was, Sakura had never imagined him taking care of and teaching three children. Hands free of the dishes, she turned to Sasuke. She slipped one hand in his, the fingers of her other hand running up his palm to his forearm, under his sleeve. 

 

Needing no further hints or encouragement, Sasuke leaned in for a long kiss. When he placed his hands on the back of her thighs and lifted her onto the counter, Sakura let him. Settled between her legs, he resumed the contact of their lips. As his hands made quick work of their clothes, Sakura sighed into his shoulder.

 

…

 

Watching Kakashi train had always been one of Sakura’s favorite past times. As a young genin, seeing him fight would leave her to watch in wonder. She had watched many ninja fight, whether it be sparring or for their life, but no one matched Kakashi’s cat-like stance. His body always moved loosely, fluid like water, agile like a cat and quick as one. Nothing ever seemed to faze him when he fought -- he was always one step ahead. Sometimes, she had thought it might have been due to his oversized clothes hiding the tension in his body, but he disproved it easily. With the full heat of the summer bearing down on them today, Kakashi had reduced his attire to his skin-tight mask-shirt and pants. The other boys had shed their heavier clothing as well.

 

When Sasuke challenged Kakashi to a friendly spar, Naruto came to sit with her, huffing. Sasuke had won their last round hands-down -- as well as the several previous rounds. Laden with a desk job, Naruto was becoming a little rusty. 

 

“It’s great to have the entire team here,” Naruto said, bright smile on his otherwise sweaty face. “I never thought I’d see the day.”

 

Sakura hummed, nodding. “It’s true. It’s been so many years.”

 

“So…” Naruto hesitated, his relaxed expression now weighed down. “How are things between you and Sasuke?”

 

Sakura swallowed a chuckle before it escaped. It was like them to spend every free moment training, yet not say a single word about what was happening in their lives. His true question went unsaid, but Sakura found it in his eyes.

 

“Okay, I guess,” she said, arms hanging limply from the top of her knees. “We’re trying.”

 

“That’s great,” Naruto said, smile returning. “I’m glad to hear it.”

 

“I’m sorry I had to burden you with such a thing.” Sakura sighed, running a hand through her hair. “He just wasn’t returning my calls.”

 

“Don’t worry about it, Sakura-chan,” Naruto said, more cheerful. “We both know how he gets. And I don’t think he has reception half the time anyway. He doesn’t -- “

 

A distance from them, Kakashi grunted in pain. Squinting her eyes, Sakura could tell Sasuke hadn’t bothered to hold back when jabbing Kakashi’s sternum with the hilt of his sword. He closed in to secure his victory, but Kakashi reacted faster. A blur of Kakashi’s hands later, Sasuke hesitated just long enough for Kakashi to slam him into the ground and bring a kunai to his throat.

 

“What… what was  _ that _ ?” Naruto whispered, watching in disbelief. “Sasuke should have won.”

 

Sakura frowned. Naruto had missed it, but Sakura had not. Whatever genjutsu Kakashi had cast on Sasuke, it had been effective. “I don’t know.”

 

For a breath too long, Kakashi and Sasuke remained still, the same glare in their black eyes. Finally, Kakashi relented and joined Sakura and Naruto, dropping onto his back in the grass. While Naruto stood to go console Sasuke, Sakura turned to Kakashi.

 

“Whatever you did,” she said, shoving his shirt up and ignoring his pained grunt, “it was dirty.”

 

“Clean doesn’t win fights,” Kakashi said, narrowed eyes looking to the clouds. “Dirty does.”

 

Sakura said nothing. He was right, but this hadn’t been a fight. Only a spar. Against a real enemy, he would have lived to see another day. Inspecting his already bruising ribs, Sakura sighed. “It’s cracked.”

 

Kakashi was quiet under her as she got to mending his injury, familiar with the process. It had been a while since she’d worked on a broken rib, but it was rather simple so she didn’t mind. It was far less trouble than sending him to the hospital.

 

“Give it a few days’ rest at least,” Sakura advised, knowing it would go unheeded already. “It’s going to be less painful.”

 

Sakura was tempted to lie by him in the grass, but refrained. Sasuke and Naruto were already engaged in another spar. From her side, Sakura could feel Kakashi’s eyes on her, but she avoided looking his way.

 

“Does Sarada know yet?” 

 

Sakura shook her head. “No.”

 

Silence fell between them for a moment. Sakura spent this quiet time inspecting the clouds, finding a rather cute bunny-shaped one.

 

“Have you changed your mind?” 

 

Dejected look in her eyes, Sakura turned to Kakashi. “Do you really have to ask that now?”

 

Kakashi held her gaze, stern. It was a rhetorical question, but she realized now how little time they’d spent together in the past two weeks. Since Sasuke’s return, Kakashi hardly visited. Sakura hadn’t sought him out.

 

“It’s not my business what decision you make,” Kakashi finally said, “but make the right one.”

 

Sakura huffed. “And what would that be according to you?”

 

Anger flashing in his tired eyes, Kakashi sat up to better match her glare. “Don’t give me that look. I’m not trying to manipulate you.”

 

Sakura returned her attention to Naruto and Sasuke’s spar, her chin jutting out stubbornly. 

 

“You like to cry about your misfortune,” Kakashi added, undeterred. “What you don’t like is admitting you caused it in the first place. You prefer blaming anyone but yourself.”

 

“Mind your own -- “

 

“My own business?” Kakashi chuckled. “Aren’t I? Are you not my business?”

 

Sakura clenched her jaw, heat filling her cheeks as she bit her tongue.

 

“You look at me like I twist everything to my advantage. As if I’m pushing you into a corner until you give in.” Kakashi paused for a moment. Sakura chanced a glance towards him, finding him watching the spar as well. “Because then you’re not to blame when you do. I am.”

 

Swallowing against her dry throat, Sakura inhaled slowly through her nose. 

 

“What I want is irrelevant,” Kakashi continued. “What matters is what will make you and Sarada happiest. If that’s finding balance between your marriage and personal life, so be it. But don’t forget why you came to me in the first place -- you said you were dead.”

 

Sakura stared ahead, silent and still as a rock. 

 

“Have you changed your mind?” Kakashi repeated.

 

“I told him I would try,” Sakura answered after a moment. “He deserves a chance to fix things.”

 

Kakashi nodded, lowering onto his back again. “If that’s what you believe.”

 

“I’ve been unfair to him,” Sakura said, turning to Kakashi. “I almost made it official to everyone that we were divorced before he even knew anything about it. I never complained about anything to him once. How could he have known?” 

 

Kakashi shrugged in answer. 

 

“I wasn’t right to him,” she whispered, lowering her eyes to her knees where her fingers fidgeted together. “We… what I did to him. I wasn’t loyal. I couldn’t even tell him and I -- I didn’t even feel guilty. Do you?”

 

“Should I?”

 

Sakura slapped his shoulder. “You’re not helping.”

 

“Don’t take me for an idiot,” Kakashi answered, turning suddenly sharp eyes on her. “I may not rush you into making the choices I hope for, but I won’t actively work against my own goals.”

 

Stunned into temporary silence, Sakura watched him through guilty eyes. His own eyes were on hers, far more placid. No matter how cautiously Kakashi always worded it, he was pursuing her. He wanted her, and not anyone else. It brought a warm feeling to Sakura’s stomach, but she tried to ignore it. Would she ever have considered him, had he not insinuated himself in her life for years and years? He was her teacher, more than a decade older than herself. She’d never even thought of him as attractive until she was sleep-deprived and driven near madness by a constantly crying baby and he was there to keep her sane. He’d been as equally sleep-deprived and probably acting on self-preservation instincts then, but Sakura remembered the moment well. It was the same night they’d had a hissy fight about milk. He’d fallen asleep by the crib, only his pants thrown on after a quick shower. 

 

Stomach rolling uncomfortably, Sakura turned to watch Sasuke win yet another round. 

 

…

 

Nestled in Sasuke’s strong arms, Sakura laughed at the tv. It was late and she had never watched this movie, but she liked it. Sasuke, above her, was silent, but she could tell he enjoyed it. After spending the afternoon and night together, he had seemed more relaxed than she remembered seeing him in years. It had been out of the blue that he’d suggested they go on a date, but Sakura was glad he had. In the very beginnings of their relationship, he had often done this kind of thing on impulse. He would try and win her heart with silly date ideas pulled from magazines that probably dated from her mother’s era, with flowers or even once with a surprise vacation. That had all been before he’d asked her to marry on one -- which hadn’t been quite as romantic, but Sakura had been thrilled nonetheless. It was after the vacation, upon their return to Konoha. They’d just arrived at the gate, dirty from a few days’ traveling, and he got down on one knee and offered her the ring. 

 

A month later, Sakura was pregnant. 

 

Sasuke’s fingers were rubbing long, lazy lines on Sakura’s thigh. Looking up at him, she found him staring down at her, lacking the playful spark he’d had the rest of the day.

 

“I’m terribly afraid I’m going to lose you,” he whispered. “That I’ve already lost you.”

 

Sakura’s smile withered. “We’re trying,” she said, trying to sound hopeful. “That’s the best we can do.”

 

Sasuke nodded, looking no more reassured. He leaned in for a kiss and Sakura returned it. A hunger in the pit of her abdomen, she tugged on his shirt until he followed her on the other end of the couch, now hovering above her. Running a hand up under his shirt, Sakura was pleased to find his body hadn’t changed much -- unlike hers. His chest was still hard, broad, hot under her touch. Spurred on, Sasuke moved his lips down to her neck, suckling and biting while his hands fled under her shirt. 

 

Breath quickening, Sakura removed his shirt. Sasuke returned his mouth to her body, quick to latch onto a nipple he’d exposed. When Sakura reached down to feel his erection, he stopped, staring up at her through hazy eyes.    
  


“Sarada’s upstairs.”

 

“She’s asleep,” Sakura muttered hastily. With clumsy hands, she grabbed the tv remote and turned it off. “Let’s just be quiet.”

 

When he slipped his hands into her panties and pressed the heel of his palm against her, rolling slowly, Sakura struggled to follow her own advice. She bucked her hips against his hand, shutting her eyes. In the back of her mind, she remembered the first time they had had sex -- how new it had all been. Exciting. How it felt like a dream come true. 

 

As Sakura arched her back, Sasuke removed his hand, much to her displeasure. He tugged at her panties with both hands, pulling them down and away from her legs until they laid on the floor. It wasn’t long before he was settled between her thighs, her skirt hitched up high on her hips, and he thrusted into her. Sakura moaned in the couch’s cushions, silent as she could be. Sasuke ground his hips into hers, fighting to keep his volume down as well. With a thumb, he rubbed against her clit, sending stronger and stronger waves of pleasure through her body, until she finally climaxed, mouth agape in a silent moan. Sasuke quickly followed her into silent bliss, collapsing by her side when it subsided. 

 

Pressed into his side, Sakura listened to the quiet ticking of the clock in the kitchen. Under her ear, Sasuke’s heart still beat wildly. It wasn’t long before Sakura came down from her high. She lied by him, in silence, unsure of what to say, or if she was supposed to say anything. Sasuke’s heart slowed as time ticked by, but Sakura couldn’t find sleep. Similar as it had been -- fast, hurried, but satisfying -- Sakura couldn’t keep from replaying the night she had spent with Kakashi in her mind. Despite the unpleasant following morning, the night had been nothing but great. After Kakashi lied at her side again, he’d held her against him and they drifted off to sleep easily. 

 

Yet, no matter how relaxed her body was, Sakura’s eyes were wide open now. The thought had been quick, only a small drift in her mind, but Sakura wished it was Kakashi next to her right now. Or perhaps it hadn’t been him, but someone like him. Someone she spent evenings, afternoons, mornings and nights just sitting quietly with. Or having light banter, laughing without worry. Feeling close to someone, not a care in the world what they thought of her horrible jokes or whatever ridiculous antics she did. 

 

Lying by Sasuke, Sakura only worried. She worried about tomorrow, about being hurt, about what life would be like in another decade.

 

“I can’t do it.”

 

“What?”

 

Sakura sat up, burying her face in her hands so she didn’t have to see Sasuke’s face. “I can’t do it. I want to divorce.”

 

For a long time, Sasuke was silent and still where he sat on the couch. Then, he stood, putting his shirt back on. Sakura remained on the couch, fighting tears. Though she didn’t wish to take back her words, Sakura felt disgusting. Between her thighs, she could still feel his cum, sticky and wet. Her mind battled with her, berating her for not waiting for a better moment, for not somehow finding a way to make it work. Horrible as they all made her feel, Sakura’s resolve was strong. She wanted this.

 

“I’m taking Sarada with me,” Sasuke finally said, his voice steady but strained. “Tomorrow morning.”

 

Tears rolling down her cheeks, Sakura sniffed. “Only if that’s what she wants.”

 

Sasuke said nothing else. Before long, he was gone, closing the door behind him. 

 

…

 

As the sun began rising, Sakura looked through the window. Save for a quick shower, she had spent the whole night on the couch, sitting in silence, contemplating the catastrophe she had set in motion. It wouldn’t be too much longer before Sasuke was back to take Sarada. It terrified her, too deeply for Sakura to be able to explain it. Her daughter had been her world. Though she knew it would come to an end, especially now that she was a genin, having her leave was an entirely different matter. If Sasuke remained cemented in his habits, it would be another two years before she got to see Sarada again. 

 

Drying her tears, Sakura stood and headed for the door. Outside, she hurried to Kakashi’s apartment. 

 

Kakashi opened the door, eyes heavy with sleep and clothes haphazardly rustled on his body. At the sight of her bloodshot eyes, he pulled her inside. 

 

“I’m divorcing,” Sakura said, voice trembling. “I’m really divorcing him.”

 

Standing before her, Kakashi was silent. When Sakura stepped closer and slipped her arms under his, he returned her embrace. 

 

“It’s going to be fine,” he said, voice gruff with sleep. “Don’t worry so much.”

 

“He’s taking Sarada with him,” Sakura cried, new tears falling from her eyes. “This morning.”

 

Kakashi tensed against her. 

 

“You should come by,” Sakura whispered as she pulled away from her, wiping at her eyes. “Say goodbye.”

 

Immediately, Kakashi threw on his sweatshirt and followed Sakura out the door. Only when they reached her house did she notice he wasn’t wearing his forehead protector. Outside of the rare occasion they spent a night together, Sakura never recalled seeing him without it. If it wasn’t on his forehead, it hung from his belt. 

 

“I’ll go wake her,” Sakura said, shutting the door behind him. “She doesn’t know yet.”

 

When she hesitated, Kakashi gave her hand a firm squeeze. “Go.”

 

Sakura nodded and went to Sarada’s bedroom. The sunlight filled her room, warming it. Sakura inhaled deeply, trying to regain whatever calm she could. Already, Sarada stirred. She sat up in her bed, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. 

 

“Mom?”

 

“Sarada,” Sakura whispered, sitting on the corner of the bed. “There’s… there’s something I have to tell you.”

 

Sarada stared down at her lap, the corners of her mouth falling. Sakura recognized that expression so well. It was seared into her heart. Sarada always wore it when she realized her father wouldn’t be there for another special occasion. 

 

“I know, mom,” she whispered. “You don’t have to tell me.”

 

Sakura froze, staring at her daughter with wide eyes. “What do you mean?”

 

“You and dad are divorcing, aren’t you?” Sarada said, looking up at Sakura. “I’m not blind, mom. I can see you don’t really love him anymore. And dad was uneasy from the moment he got here. I thought it was just meeting me, at first, but…”

 

“I’m so sorry,” Sakura said, frustrated by all the tears she continued to shed. She sat closer to Sarada, pulling her into her arms. “I’m so sorry.”

 

Sarada didn’t react. More than anything, Sarada’s lack of reaction wounded Sakura. For many nights, Sakura had imagined her lashing out, or crying, or screaming -- anything but this. Too afraid to ask how Sarada truly felt about her decision, Sakura remained silent too.

 

“He wants you to go with him,” Sakura said, pulling away. Tucking a strand of her hair behind Sarada’s ear, Sakura looked at her daughter’s face, trying desperately to memorize every single detail of it. “Today.”

 

Guilt on her pretty face, Sarada looked down between them. “I’d like to go.”

 

“That’s okay,” Sakura reassured, shaky as her voice was. “You’re old enough to choose what you want now. I understand.”

 

For a long time, they sat in silence, neither of them able to speak. Her daughter leaning against her side, Sakura stroked her arm, her hair, an absent-minded affectionate motion that comforted her. 

 

“You better get ready,” Sakura said, pushing herself off the bed and to her feet when the sun became too bright. “He’ll be here soon. Kakashi is downstairs, too.”

 

At the mention of Kakashi’s name, Sarada’s eyes livened up, small though it was. 

 

By the time they joined Kakashi downstairs, Sasuke was already there, waiting. On the couch, besides Kakashi, were a pile of papers. Watery smile on her lips, Sakura held in a chuckle. Sasuke was efficient. 

 

“Are you ready?” Sasuke asked Sarada, extending a hand for her. Sarada walked closer to him, one small step at a time. “Do you have everything you need?”

 

Sarada nodded, though she stopped halfway between Sakura and Sasuke. 

 

“Let’s go, then.”

 

When Sasuke turned to leave, Sarada spoke up. “Wait! I have to say goodbye.”

 

Impatience on his face, Sasuke nodded and watched her as she ran to Kakashi. Eyes soft and scared as Sakura had never seen them, Kakashi kneeled down, a hand on each of Sarada’s shoulders. Sarada’s own eyes weren’t so dry anymore, quivering as they held Kakashi’s gaze. Kakashi’s hands fumbled with the straps of her backpack, adjusting it better than Sakura’s shaking hands could. He tugged at the shoulders of her qipao dress, straightening it, then at the knot of her headband. Finding nothing else to fix, Kakashi brushed her hair away from her face.

 

“It’s fine, I’m not going away forever, you know,” she tried to comfort, though her watery voice wasn’t so convincing. “I’ll come back.”

 

Kakashi visibly swallowed and forced on a more credible smile. “Of course. You’re right.”

 

Before Kakashi could take her in his arms, Sasuke placed a hand on Sarada’s shoulder and led her away, but Sarada quickly escaped from him and threw herself at Kakashi, wrapping her arms around his neck as she collided with him. Kakashi returned her embrace, burying his nose in the  crook of her neck. Sakura stood at Kakashi’s side, waiting until Sarada let go of him to hug her.

 

“I’ll miss you so much,” Sakura whispered, hands in Sarada’s hair. “Please call me whenever you can, okay?”

 

“I will, mom,” Sarada said into Sakura’s chest. “I’ll miss you too. I have to go now.”

 

Sarada broke away and walked to her father, her steps heavy and quick, afraid she’d lose her conviction if she stayed any longer. Kakashi and Sakura watched them leave, still as the air in the room. Behind them, the door shut with a click that echoed with finality in Sakura’s ears.


	8. Housebound

**Chapter 8: Housebound**

 

**,,,**

 

The next morning, Sakura found herself sitting at the kitchen table alone, with a mug of black coffee as her single companion. She sipped it from time to time, eyes set on her newspaper. She hadn’t bothered with breakfast today. Her stomach hardly ever rumbled that early in the morning and with no one else to feed, there was no reason to cook immediately. It was all so alien to her. There had been a few of these mornings spread here and there after Sarada’s graduation, but they were nothing alike. The air was heavier on her shoulders, the silence final and deafening in her ears. 

 

Though she ghosted a hand over the pocket that contained her phone more often than she realized, Sakura would be lying if she said she wasn’t enjoying a little quiet. 

 

After another sip of coffee and boring article read, Sakura stood from her chair. Everything was nicer in small doses, and she’d had enough of sitting here already. She turned to the living room, watching the stillness of it all. The tv wasn’t on -- no one would turn it on but her -- and she couldn’t hear the shower or Sarada’s steps from upstairs. 

 

With a sigh, Sakura went to her room to find clothes for the day. As much as she had favored heels and dresses lately, she found little interest in them today. Picking a pair of plain shorts and a tank top, Sakura tied her hair in a loose bun and was out the door quickly. 

 

For longer than she cared to keep track of, Sakura wandered the streets of Konoha. With the sun still so low in the sky, there were few people outside yet. 

 

Whether her mind was aware of it or not, Sakura found herself in the training fields before the sun was much higher in the sky. There, she came face to face with Kakashi, training. He had caught her scent in the wind already, though, and was patiently waiting for her to come closer. 

 

“Don’t mind me,” Sakura said to him, waving a dismissive hand. “I didn’t mean to interrupt.”

 

As she dropped in the grass a small distance away, Kakashi resumed his routine. He must have been training for a while already. Sweat made his skin slick where it was exposed, weighing the rest of his clothing down. For a long time, Sakura watched, half of her trapped in her head while the other admired Kakashi. Soon enough, Kakashi had had enough of his taijutsu training and switched to elemental jutsu. For the most part, he religiously repeated hand sign after hand sign, until his hands were hardly more than a blur to Sakura. At the end of each set, he released a tiny version of whatever technique he was rehearsing. 

 

Sakura found it amusing, seeing him spit fire barely thicker than her hair, or raising brittle walls of mud. What she enjoyed the most, though, was when Kakashi practiced his raikiri, pushing the limits of his chakra stores. The lightning danced and sang about his hand, burning into Sakura’s eyes. He felled many a tree, but he was never satisfied, sending a new one crashing until he fell himself. 

 

A smile on her lips, Sakura brought him his water canteen. Splayed on the grass, he drank from it. 

 

“Why do you train so hard?” Sakura asked, wiping the sweat from his eyes with his towel. “I doubt you’ll see another war in your lifetime.”

 

In her sparse moments with him, Sakura had seen Sasuke train so hard as well. Naruto, too. When she’d asked him why, he’d said, predictably, that he needed to be able to protect everyone. 

 

“I need to fill the time somehow,” Kakashi said, breathless. 

 

Sakura hummed and sat by him. Kakashi didn’t move. After a while, Sakura noticed he’d fallen asleep. 

 

“How’s your training going?” he asked after a long time, picking up their conversation as if he hadn’t realized he’d been asleep. 

 

“Good,” Sakura answered, “pretty good, actually.”

 

Kakashi jumped to his feet and extended a hand for her. “Show me.”

 

“Now?” Sakura frowned, taking his hand and letting him lift her from the grass. “You’re half dead.”

 

“We’ll stick to taijutsu,” he answered, heading for the open field. “I’m fine.”

 

With a shrug, Sakura followed him. When he readied his battle stance, so did Sakura. He let her attack first -- he always did -- so Sakura didn’t waste time trying to predict his movements. Their spars always were rather similar. Sakura charged and charged, never coming quite close enough to land a hit. Now that he had kept training and she’d slacked off for years, it was rather embarrassing. Finding an opening, he landed a punch. Her anger ignited, Sakura doubled her efforts. Kakashi always kept his strength in check when he hit her, yet he expected nothing less than full force from her. 

 

That Kakashi did so was always why he never was a good teacher to her -- unlike Tsunade. 

 

A roar in the back of her throat, Sakura lunged for him again. This time, Kakashi barely dodged, and Sakura didn’t relent. Fire in the pit of her stomach, she upped her game and stuck closely to Kakashi -- a dangerous tactic in a real fight, but rewarding in this case. So close, Kakashi struggled to avoid her fists. Whatever hits he landed were weak enough for Sakura to brush off, so she retaliated three-fold. 

 

Just when she thought she would finally get him, Kakashi sent her to the ground, a knee to her spine. 

 

“That’s enough,” he panted, tone scolding but soft with confusion. 

 

Sakura ground her teeth against the pain in the arm he kept twisted behind her. When he let go, she dropped it to the ground, groaning in frustration more than pain. Kakashi lied by her, taking a moment to breathe. 

 

“Thank you,” Sakura whispered, cheek to the grass as she looked at him.

 

Breath failing him, Kakashi only stared at her. Sakura smiled. While it was true that he wasn’t as good a teacher as Tsunade, Kakashi never failed to motivate her. Every time Tsunade beat her down and left her to lick her wounds, Kakashi was by her side to help her up. Though he never said it, he still made her believe the day would come where she would be the one to beat Tsunade to a pulp. He still sparred with her, no matter how outranked she was. Sasuke had always refused. 

 

“You’re making good progress,” he said when his chest’s rise and fall slowed. “Don’t stop.”

 

Sakura nodded. “I won’t.”

 

Rolling onto her side, she reached for his shoulder and tugged on his sweatshirt. Kakashi turned his head towards her, anticipating whatever question she might ask. Instead, Sakura smiled again. He was far from pretty right now, with his hair stuck to his forehead with sweat and the redness of exertion on his face, but Sakura didn’t want to look away. Dark eyes on hers, Kakashi extended one arm on the ground and Sakura lifted her head for him to slip it under her. 

 

Old or not, teacher or not, Sakura wanted him. Now, before, later, she wanted all he had to offer. 

 

When she sat in his lap, Kakashi watched her with a confused frown. Sakura chuckled, wondering just what kind of trick he expected. Innocent of such schemes, she raised his sweatshirt up until he slipped out of it. Next came the undershirt and mask. Satisfied, Sakura ran one hand up his stomach to the hard planes of his chest. Old or not, his body remained impressive. 

 

Hard under her, Kakashi didn’t break the silence, leaving her to do as she pleased. With his eyes on her, Sakura found her boldness failing her. 

 

“Take it off,” Kakashi said, tugging at the hem of her tank top. 

 

Sakura fidgeted with the end of it, scanning the area around them. “What if someone comes?”

 

“Then they get an eyeful.” Kakashi sat up, catching her lips in a kiss. “You started. Now you finish it.”

 

When their lips parted, Sakura leaned forward, but Kakashi ignored it in favor of removing her shirt. By habit, her hands covered her stomach. She tried to busy Kakashi with another kiss, but he was having none of it, growing impatient. He rolled them around so he now stood on his knees above her, pulling her shorts down with her underwear. 

 

He tried to pry her hands away, but Sakura’s hesitation stilled him. “What is it?”

 

Bright blush on her cheeks, Sakura looked away. “It’s just…”

 

Frowning once more, Kakashi removed her hands. Sakura looked at the grass rather than his face. “It’s just what?”

 

Kakashi hovered above her, pressing hot kisses to her neck, working his way down to her breasts. Sakura sighed at the feel of it, shy hands tangling in his hair. 

 

When his mouth pressed against her stomach and she grew cold again, Kakashi looked up. “This?”

 

One finger tracing a stretch mark absent-mindedly, Sakura nodded.

 

“Did you think I didn’t know what it would look like?”

 

With a chuckle, Kakashi’s face lowered to between her legs and Sakura yelped, closing her thighs. “What are you doing?”

 

Kakashi stared straight into her eyes, serious as he could be with his head trapped between her thighs. Sakura swallowed and loosened her thighs again, dropping her head back against the ground. Cheeks red, she closed her eyes as he resumed his plan. She knew of the practice, of course, but Sasuke had never tried it and she had never asked -- not that he didn’t please her otherwise. 

 

The longer his tongue and fingers moved against her, the harder Sakura breathed, until she tensed and arched her back. Satisfied, Kakashi pulled away and removed what was left of his clothing. Groaning, Sakura hung to him for dear life when he kissed her and thrusted into her. When he broke the contact of their lips, he watched her, eyes moving up and down to take in all he could see of her. 

 

Knowing she was on the edge, he thrusted harder. “Come for me.”

 

Not long after, Sakura did. With each contraction, her lips parted a little wider, a silent moan stuck in her throat. Kakashi followed soon after. 

 

Naked with the cool touch of the grass on her skin, Sakura stared up at the sky. It was bright now. Spreading a hand on the long blades of grass, she sighed. With the sun warming her skin, she closed her eyes and breathed in deeply. The air was silent, save for the occasional rustling of leaves in the trees. She breathed out a long, slow breath.

 

Before long, Kakashi moved to retrieve his clothes and regain some modesty. Having forgotten such manners, Sakura followed in his steps leisurely. 

 

When he shrugged into his vest, Sakura grabbed its edges and pulled him a little closer. “I want to fight again next week.”

 

Kakashi gave a quick nod. “You know where to find me.”

 

Of course she did. Though she’d rarely joined him, Sakura was well aware he liked to follow his routine to a tee. As she let go of his vest and began to move away, he held onto her arm, staring down into her eyes. She offered him a smile, which Kakashi returned with little heart. 

 

Sakura could hear the question on the tip of his lips, but she was glad he didn’t speak it. She didn’t want to spoil the nice feeling settled in her belly right away. 

 

“I have somewhere to be,” she said, vague, already stepping back to make her way into the open world. “There are a lot of things I want to do today.”

 

With Kakashi’s eyes on her back, Sakura turned and left.

 

…

 

After a quick stop at a bathhouse to freshen up and soak in a hot bath, Sakura returned to wandering Konoha’s streets. It wasn’t long before the sun was high in the sky and her stomach growled viciously, so Sakura stopped in the first restaurant she found. It was an old place, one she’d never been to, with only a man in the tiny kitchen. Though there were few patrons in the shop, he ran back and forth wildly, taking an order one minute, frying vegetables the next, and serving a beer before the next minute had ended. 

 

Sakura sat and called for him. He hollered a strong “Right away!” from where he stood at the deep fryer. 

 

When he came, Sakura asked for a tempura meal and sake. The medic in her protested, flailing and rambling about how she ought to eat better, but Sakura shut her up quickly. It had been quite a while since she’d had tempura, and she loved it. The pumpkins and shrimps were her favorites. 

 

Once she had eaten and paid, Sakura left. It had cost more than she would have liked, but she didn’t really mind. She wasn’t so strapped for cash anymore. Next, her feet carried her to the main civilian district of Konoha. In the heart of summer as they were, the neighborhood was lively with children. With some luck, she stumbled upon a summer festival. A quiet smile on her lips, Sakura watched men dance on a tall stage, one of them slamming a heavy drum with long sticks. Below, families danced together. She checked her cellphone, but no one had called. 

 

Closeby, Sakura found a small coffee shop and entered it. Though her stomach remained rather full, she ordered an iced green tea and a cheese tart. Sitting by the sole window, she picked at her snack little by little. Though the shop was full, all she could hear was the drum’s music and the waiter’s constant greeting of new guests. 

 

Finally, Sakura sipped the last of her tea and left. Though she was in no hurry, Sakura hadn’t lied about having tasks to accomplish today, so she headed towards her first stop. 

 

“Welcome!” Tenten called, then looked up from the tanto she was sharpening. “Oh, hey, Sakura!”

 

“Hey,” Sakura greeted. 

 

“What brings you around here?” Tenten asked, sweat on her brow. “I don’t remember you ever visiting my shop.”

 

“I have an order to pick up, actually.” Sakura stalked along the walls, eyeing various weapons. “Shishou said you would have it ready today.”

 

“Oh, that’s yours?” Tenten inspected the tanto. She must have found an imperfection -- back on the the sharpening stone it went. “I thought it was an odd order for her.”

 

Sakura hummed. From the wall, she picked a knife. She balanced it in her hand, feeling its weight. 

 

“Word’s going around that you’re divorced now,” Tenten said, done with her work. “Officially.”

 

“Word sure goes around fast,” Sakura mumbled, replacing the knife on the shelf. “It’s not like you didn’t know before anyway.”

 

Tenten only shrugged, smiling the same confident smile that she always wore. “That’s what happens when you tell someone secrets.”

 

Sakura frowned. “Or Ino could keep her mouth shut for once.”

 

“Don’t blame her,” Tenten said, now working on packaging Sakura’s order. “She couldn’t know that was what Hinata was so uncomfortable about.”

 

“Then Hinata should learn not to mess with others’ business.”

 

“And then what?” Tenten laughed. “Naruto shouldn’t have told her? How about you shouldn’t have told Naruto? You know he’s an idiot.”

 

Lips in a tight line, Sakura busied herself with more weapons. 

 

“How about you be more discreet?” Tenten said, never looking up from her work. “Even before you told Naruto, there were whispers. You went to a bar, they say, all dressed up and by yourself and left with a man.”

 

“That was Kakashi!” Sakura quickly defended, swirling on her feet to face Tenten. “Who told you that, anyway?”

 

“Someone did, no one did. It doesn’t make a difference,” Tenten answered. Done with her task, she crossed her arms on the desk. “They watched you sit there -- and don’t play coy with me. It’s obvious what you were looking for.”

 

Redder in the cheeks than she liked, Sakura fished in her pockets for money. “It’s none of their business what I do.”

 

“You’re right it ain’t.” Tenten chuckled, taking the money from her. “Doesn’t stop them from looking and then talking.”

 

Having no answer, Sakura remained mute.

 

“And you say ‘That was Kakashi!’,” Tenten imitated, feigning innocent shock before she laughed. “As if it was natural. There’s whispers about you two, too, you know. He’s so obviously smitten with you and it disgusts me.”

 

“Of course it’s natural!” Sakura defended, a fresh frown deepening her wrinkles. “He was my sensei. He takes care of me -- and don’t be stupid, he’s not!”

 

“You’re funny.” Tenten sat deeper in her chair, crossed arms now on her chest. “You want to be the sweet, innocent girl so bad, but you’re exactly the opposite. You’re the dirtiest of us all. I shouldn’t be surprised, really.”

 

“Like you’re one to talk,” Sakura spat. “You’re no better than me.”

 

Tenten shrugged. “Never said I was. You could learn a thing or two from me, though.”

 

“Like what? How to hide the father of my child?”

 

Tenten hummed sharply. “Don’t be so bitter, now. Do you really want to be making enemies with the only friend you have who can understand anything that’s going through your mind right now?”

 

Sakura hesitated, then sighed. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say something hurtful.”

 

“Right, right,” Tenten chuckled. “You’re right, though. You could learn something like that.”

 

Curiosity nagging her, Sakura looked back up to Tenten. “How did you ever manage that? I can’t even go to a bar without starting rumors.”

 

“We’re in a ninja village,” Tenten said, so matter-of-fact. “Everything that happens  _ in _ this village comes out. Fast.”

 

When the realization hit her, Sakura froze where she stood, lips parted in shock. Chun’s father wasn’t  _ in _ Konoha. Sakura didn’t ask, but she wondered if the man even knew he had a child at all. How hard could it be to hide a father who wasn’t looking for his child?

 

“I have to get back to work.” Tenten’s tone was gentler, a more genuine smile on her sharp lips. “We’ll have a drink soon.”

 

“Sure,” Sakura said, gathering her purchase. “Thanks.”

 

On her way to her house, Sakura mulled over their conversation. Perhaps she had misjudged Tenten. Rough as her skin was, Tenten wasn’t so callous herself. More than ever, guilt nipped at Sakura’s heels. To this day, she was part of the whispers about Tenten and her child’s parentage, her lack of a marriage. Tenten was right -- how could she be so angry with Hinata and Ino? Sakura made a mental note to visit them both as soon as possible. 

 

In the privacy of her home, Sakura peeked into her box. There were various weapons and tools in it; needles, kunais, blades she could hide, chains -- the list went on. Sakura didn’t know if she would ever use them outside of a spar again, but she wanted to be ready. It hadn’t taken more than a mention of this for Tsunade to order them for her. Sakura chuckled to herself. Tsunade couldn’t make it more obvious how badly she wanted Sakura back on active duty.

 

With a glance at the clock, Sakura shut the box and left the house once more. The sun was on the other side of the sky now, so she hurried her step. 

 

A little late, Sakura caught Shikamaru at the exit of the training grounds. She’d known she would find him there, as this was a regular team training session for him and his students. When he walked by her without slowing his steps, Sakura matched his pace.

 

“Seems like you have something to say to me,” Shikamaru said, looking straight ahead.

 

Lop-sided smile on her lips, Sakura nodded. “Sarada won’t be coming to practice. Not for a long time, probably.”

 

Shikamaru hummed. “I thought as much.”

 

For a while, they walked in silence. Sakura’s eyes jumped from building to building without aim as they walked into the village. 

 

“Well, aren’t you going to say anything?” Shikamaru asked, turning a curious eye to her.

 

Sakura frowned at him. “What do you mean?”

 

Smirk on his lips, Shikamaru shrugged. “I don’t know. Your daughter won’t be training with me for a while. She’s gone with him, then? You’re divorced. Isn’t there a lot to say?”

 

Pursing her lips, Sakura looked to the side. “Yes, she left with him, but -- “

 

“How about we have dinner together?” Shikamaru asked. “Temari and Shikadai are gone tonight, so we’ll be quiet.”

 

“Won’t your wife mind?” Sakura said.

 

“Why would she? We won’t do anything wrong,” Shikamaru answered. “So?”

 

“Why are you even inviting me anyway?” Sakura asked, slowing her steps to watch him better, but he walked ahead. “We’ve hardly ever said a word to each other.”

 

“It’s curiosity,” Shikamaru said, looking at her over his shoulder. “Come on.”

 

Sakura hesitated, then followed him. If anything, Shikamaru could be interesting -- and Sakura felt rather guilty for allowing her daughter to abandon her team so easily. When Shikamaru led her to the Nara estate, Sakura hesitated once more. She had thought dinner meant going to a restaurant, not a private meal in his home -- but then again, it made sense, given his propensity for privacy and quiet.

 

Inside, Sakura removed her shoes and followed Shikamaru to the kitchen. 

 

“I assume you like curry?” Shikamaru asked, already taking out the ingredient from the fridge.

 

Sakura chuckled. “Who doesn’t?”

 

Sitting at the table behind him, Sakura watched Shikamaru cook. His movements were quick and efficient -- practiced. When he poured the curry powder in the pot, a delicious smell wafted through the kitchen.

 

“I didn’t know you could cook,” Sakura said. “That’s interesting.”

 

“Temari hates it,” Shikamaru said simply. “I don’t mind it.”

 

Sakura hummed. The kitchen was much larger than the one in her home, but the walls were bare. Even the wood of the floor felt soft against her feet, as if unaffected by the use of generations of Nara. 

 

“So why did you divorce?”

 

Sakura started at the question. “You sure don’t beat around the bush.”

 

“Why should I?” Shikamaru chuckled. “You knew I was going to ask.”

 

With a shrug, Sakura looked down at the table, picking at a small dip in the wood. “I guess.”

 

“Truth be told,” Shikamaru continued, “I never understood why someone like you would marry him in the first place. It was interesting.”

 

“Why?” Sakura asked, a frown on her face. “Everyone knows I was in love with him for years.”

 

Shikamaru nodded, stirring the vegetables in the pot. “Of course. But that was childish love. It meant nothing. Why you decided to marry him remains interesting.”

 

“I love him. What’s so surprising about it? What do you mean someone like me?”

 

“Someone who’s so stubborn and determined -- I still remember your fight with Ino in the chuunin exams,” Shikamaru said, pausing as if watching the fight once more. “I’ve never heard of anyone else breaking the Yamanaka’s jutsu’s hold.”

 

Shikamaru placed a plate before her. Though it smelled wonderful, Shikamaru was hardly a master of the plating art. 

 

“Enjoy. Why someone with such a strong sense of self and determination would marry Sasuke mystifies me.”

 

“Just get to the point,” Sakura mumbled. She took a bite of her meal, then hummed. “This is delicious.”

 

“Thanks.” Shikamaru ate a few bites before continuing. “You would always live in Sasuke’s shadow if you married him. Yet, you did. I never understood.”

 

Sakura picked at her plate with her spoon, lips in a soft line. “It just felt like the natural thing to do, I guess.” 

 

“Were you ever happy with him?” Rude as the question was, Shikamaru’s voice was neutral. 

 

Deep in thought, Sakura chewed her food slowly. “Yes, I think so. Especially when we were dating. He was nice then. Then I had Sarada, and I was happy with her.”

 

Shikamaru hummed. “But then you became unhappy with him, predictably.”

 

Sakura didn’t answer, instead eating in silence. 

 

“That was natural,” Shikamaru finally said, reclining in his chair. “It was bound to happen -- unless you wanted to remain miserable. I’m curious what you will do now.”

 

“Is that why you invited me here?” Sakura said between two bites. “To watch me like some lab rat?”

 

Shikamaru shrugged and lit a cigarette. “A little, perhaps. Then again, I’m rather fascinated by you.”

 

Taken aback, Sakura stilled, a spoonful of curry midway to her mouth. 

 

“Oh.” Shikamaru blew out pale smoke, a smirk on his lips. “I didn’t mean that to sound strange.”

 

“You’re almost as bad as Sai sometimes,” Sakura sighed, finishing the last of her curry.

 

“Dessert?” Shikamaru asked, gathering their empty plates. Sakura nodded. A mere few seconds later, Shikamaru placed a slice of cake before her and stood by her. “Now that I’ve said that, it’s true I would be interested in getting to know you more… privately.”

 

Sakura stared up at him, eyes wide. It took a moment for her to untie her tongue. “What are you saying! You’re married.”

 

“I wouldn’t do anything to upset my wife,” Shikamaru said vaguely, returning to his seat with his own dessert. “How would you react if that was why I asked you to come here?”

 

Eyeing Shikamaru, Sakura paused. She had never considered him a potential partner -- not in any sense of the word. She couldn’t remember a single mission they had done together and, save for an occasional party, she had never spent time with him. Under a new light, Sakura observed him. Though he had horrible manners, Shikamaru was a rather attractive man. Tall, clean, always composed. 

 

“Tell me if that’s why you asked, then,” Sakura said. “You can know my true reaction without my own biases.”

 

Shikamaru hummed, taking a long drag from his cigarette. “I prefer the speculation. Smart answer, though.”

 

Her taste for her dessert suddenly lost, Sakura put her fork down on the plate. “You’re making me uncomfortable.”

 

“I suppose that’s a natural reaction,” Shikamaru said. “My apologies.”

 

Sakura sat still. It felt as though she was stepping in the dark, traps set everywhere around her. Smart as she was herself, Shikamaru was on another level when it came to strategizing.

 

“How long will Sarada be gone, then?” he asked, unfazed. 

 

“I don’t know,” Sakura answered truthfully.

 

“How does that make you feel?”

 

“How do you think?” Sakura growled, deep frown on her face. “She’s my daughter.”

 

“Why did you let her go, then?” Shikamaru chuckled. “You’re her mother. You get the final say, don’t you?”

 

“That’s not all there is to it,” Sakura sighed. “Sarada wanted to go. She needs to know her father -- through herself. Not me or anyone else.”

 

“That makes sense,” Shikamaru said. Then, he stood, taking her unfinished plate from her. He hadn’t touched his cake. “I’m glad we got to have this little chat.”

 

“Are you?” Sakura said, dubious. 

 

“Yes, I am,” Shikamaru said, leaning on the edge of the counter. “I’d like to have dinner again with you, sometime. Would you like that?”

 

“I don’t know.” Sakura crossed her arms over her chest, watching him carefully. “Will you be as rude?”

 

“I’ll try to be on my best behavior.” 

 

Sakura stood and Shikamaru escorted her to the door. “Maybe we can have dinner again, then.”

 

“Maybe?” Shikamaru stared down at her, a hair’s breadth too close.

 

Swallowing, Sakura moved to slip her feet into her shoes. “Fine. We’ll have dinner again.”

 

“Good.” Shikamaru opened the door for her. “This was pleasant. I’m looking forward to our next dinner. Have a nice evening.”

 

Sakura bid him a good evening as well and went on her way, unease rolling into her stomach. 

 

By the time Sakura was home, darkness had taken the sky. With a sigh, Sakura sat on her couch. The divorce papers were still there, along with many others. Their assets, the contents of their joint accounts, the child’s custody -- all of it was there. She had meant to get it over with tonight, but she had spent too long with Shikamaru. 

 

Weary, Sakura picked up the sheet with their assets. It was a short list, really -- only the house. Sasuke had given her no time to negotiate the terms of the divorce. He’d simply signed all the papers she had prepared during his absence. They would split everything evenly, including custody, though they both knew that was on paper only. 

 

Sakura glanced at the number on the paper, then sighed. Regardless of her current salary, there was no possibility for her to hand over that amount to Sasuke in a reasonable time. Had she insisted, Sakura was certain that Sasuke would have let her keep the house, but Sakura didn’t want that. If anything, she hoped she could be fair to him here, at least. His salary had paid fifteen years of mortgage payments, not hers. 

 

Looking around her, Sakura took in every detail of the house she could. She had never liked it very much -- it was a bit old, never pretty, but she’d made it hers. It was her home. It was Sarada’s home. 

 

Sakura ran a hand through her hair. She could try to remortgage the house entirely and pay it by herself -- it wasn’t impossible with her new salary. That would leave her with another twenty five years’ worth of payments, though. 

 

With a sigh, Sakura left the papers on the couch and headed to her bedroom. 


	9. Scrubbing the House

**Chapter 9: Scrubbing the House**

 

**…**

 

Sakura huffed. For quite a while already, she had been running. She’d picked a trail she knew to be nice just outside of Konoha, one she’d run many times as a genin and even before in the academy. Though it was hardly any comfort, Sakura was relieved she could match her old genin times. The truth was she should have been able to do it four times as fast, if not more, but she would take what she could get now. 

 

Slowing to catch her breath, she watched the trees that passed by. She was slow, heavy and her lungs were burning. As far as she could remember, she’d always had a love-hate relationship with running. Cardio was her worst enemy; it always took so long and left her to deal with her thoughts, no distractions. Worst of all, progress was quick to be lost and slow to be gained. Here and then, she would be lucky enough to experience a good run. One that felt as if only a minute had ticked by when it had really been hours. Where she felt on top of the world and able to go on forever. Usually, they coincided with chilly days, during which her skin failed to overheat and drip with sweat.

 

Today was no such day. Though the leaves eased some of the sun’s burning on her skin, the air remained heavy and thick in her lungs. Half way through the trail, her clothes were already sticking to her skin with sweat. 

 

She wanted to stop. She didn’t, though. Stopping would mean failing, and Sakura didn’t want that, so she kept on running. In her ears, her earphones called the tenth mile. Sakura groaned. If it hadn’t been for her intact chakra stores, she would have been unable to go on much more than six miles. Not without a lot more training. She could still count on her hands the amount of times she had run here since Tsunade had begun training her once more. When it became more comfortable, she would take to the trees and acclimate her muscles to running and jumping once more. 

 

Seventy minutes had passed. Seventy more to go, if she kept her pace. 

 

Earlier that week, Sakura had filed the last of the divorce papers. It was over. In a few days -- weeks, perhaps, because bureaucracy was never faster than a snail -- her divorce would be official in the eyes of the law. At that moment, in her lawyer’s office, Sakura had been relieved. Now, her feet pounding the ground rhythmically and only the sound of the leaves around her, her throat threatened to clamp shut. It was right, she knew, but it made it no easier. She would no longer wait for Sasuke’s calls. She would no longer greet him home -- or even go on adventures with him, far behind them as those were. He would never kiss her again. Nor would she ever hear him say he loved her. 

 

Sakura forced a deep breath into her lungs, steadying their inflation and deflation. 

 

Every night, Sakura sat on her bed, cellphone in her hands. She wanted to call her daughter, but always decided against it. Sarada had said she would call, and Sakura desperately tried to trust those words. Distantly, she remembered being Sarada’s age and exploring the world outside of Konoha. It had been overwhelming, incredible, humbling. With Kakashi, Naruto and Sasuke at her side every day, Sakura had felt free. Safe. Calling her mother had been the least of her concerns then, but she still loved her. Hopefully, Sarada felt all the same. 

 

Sakura wished she could run more often. Rather, she wished she didn’t have to run, but since she did, she wished to have more time for it. It took so much of her chakra that Sakura couldn’t afford to run unless she had no work at the hospital that day. Between sparring with Kakashi, training with Tsunade and the hospital, she had little to spare. Every day, though, she built her stores. Little by little, they would become substantial enough to allow her to train more. She could use the chakra she had stored in the diamond on her forehead, of course, but Sakura refused to. Training was not an emergency. In the war, she had used it, and for good purpose. As Tsunade had, and as she had before, during Pein’s invasion. 

 

Swallowing the saliva that built in the back of her throat, Sakura sped her pace. 

 

Rusted as she might be, Sakura would be ready to make the same sacrifices as Tsunade one day, should such a day come. Back then, Sakura had really thought Tsunade would never wake up, but she found no sadness in her heart, only pain. Without Tsunade’s technique, many people would have died. Kakashi included. Good people. Sakura owed it to Konoha and to Tsunade. They had given her everything. 

 

Resolved hardened, Sakura frowned. Naruto trained hard, Kakashi trained hard, Sasuke trained hard -- they all trained hard for Konoha’s sake. She couldn’t offer less than her best, not after years of letting herself grow soft. She, too, had to be able to protect everyone. 

 

Active duty or not, Sakura was strong -- or she had been. She had been an essential asset in the war. She had helped bring Sasuke home, kept Naruto’s heart beating and defended her comrades from the enemy. Her hands could save hundreds and hundreds of lives -- they  _ had _ saved those lives. They could still save as many. Still, she couldn’t find it within herself to accept active duty once more. Before Sarada, it had never been a question to her. She would fulfill any mission her village asked of her. With Sarada, though, Sakura found herself hesitating. The missions didn’t scare her more now than they did before, but who she would leave behind should she die did. How could she leave her child without a mother?

 

Startling her, her earphones called twenty miles. She could finally go home and shower.

 

…

 

Ino had been surprised when Sakura knocked on her door, but she had let her in without hesitation. Spouting a hundred apologies, she had thrown herself at Sakura and clung desperately to her neck. Sakura had hugged her back, reassuring her everything was okay until she finally let go. This had always been a common scenario between the two of them, Sakura had realized, with each of them switching roles every now and then. At the end of every fight, they would reconcile and remain friends. In a way, it was comforting, as if nothing could break their friendship. 

 

Now, Sakura sat on Ino’s bed, a smile on her lips as she watched Ino paint her toes red. Sai was out training and Inojin was on mission. It was odd how easy it was to catch everyone alone lately. 

 

“There,” Ino said, applying the final layer on Sakura’s nails. “Done. Your turn.”

 

Sakura took the nail polish bottle from Ino and switched places with her. Ino reached for the wine bottle on the night table and took a swig from it before offering it to Sakura. 

 

“So…” Ino started, wiping her lips. “You’re really divorced now, huh?”

 

Sakura nodded, eyes set on Ino’s toes so she wouldn’t mess up. 

 

“You can talk to me, you know,” Ino continued, bottle in hand. “I thought I knew you, but I never saw it coming.”

 

With a shrug, Sakura took the bottle from her and drank. “I never let on. How could you know?”

 

Ino sighed and drank again. “You’re my best friend. I should know.”

 

“You didn’t know because you always see the best in everything,” Sakura said, almost a whisper, focused on her work. “You believe in dreams and magic and love and I shattered that.”

 

After a long pause, Ino smiled. “I guess I do. Honestly, I still don’t understand why you got divorced. You loved him, didn’t you?”

 

Sakura nodded. “I did. I do.”

 

“Then why?”

 

For a moment, Sakura stilled her fingers and watched Ino’s toes wiggle. “Because I didn’t want the life I had.”

 

“But it was great!” Ino protested, a pout on her shiny lips. “You nabbed the man of your dreams, you had a child… you even got to be a housewife! You had the perfect life we always dreamed of when we were kids. You got the prince that swept you off your feet.”

 

Sakura chuckled. “Well, maybe I like having my feet on the ground.”

 

“I just don’t understand how you could do that to him,” Ino whispered, staring down at her knees now. “You took vows. You were his wife.”

 

Sakura paused once more. Then, she continued painting Ino’s nails. “I was always selfish, wasn’t I? That must be why we should never have married. Two selfish people can’t be happy together.”

 

“You’re not -- “

 

Sakura laughed. “Don’t, Ino. You know you’re lying. I am selfish. In a way, I guess, we were a perfect match. Maybe we deserved someone selfish to give each other a taste of our own medicine. You know,” Sakura said, pensive. “If the roles had been switched, who’s to say I wouldn’t have done exactly what he did? If I took over the department at the hospital, I would have been there day and night.”

 

Ino watched her in silence. Sakura offered her a smile, but Ino did not return it.

 

“Can you forgive me?” Sakura asked, barely above a whisper. “I know you could never imagine having a divorce -- and maybe that’s why I was never able to talk to you about it. I didn’t want to disappoint you.”

 

“Of course I do,” Ino muttered, gathering Sakura in her arms. “You’re my best friend. I want you to be happy. Sure, I wish that didn’t mean having a divorce… but I’m not in your shoes, am I?”

 

“It’s terrifying, you know,” Sakura said, holding onto Ino tighter. “I’m all alone now.”

 

“That’s not true,” Ino said immediately. “You have me. You have me, Tenten, Shizune, Naruto…”

 

Anxiety bubbled in Sakura’s chest and she exhaled a shaky breath. Tears in her eyes, Sakura buried her nose in Ino’s hair. Then, all at once, the bubble was prickled and it popped. Tears now flowing, Sakura sobbed into Ino’s hair. She tried to stop it before it started, but she was powerless. No matter how much Ino tried to comfort her, they both knew what Sakura really meant. No friend could fill the hole she’d dug in her own heart. She had never wanted to divorce. She had always wanted to be with Sasuke forever, to have a happy little family with him. Where things had gone so wrong, Sakura couldn’t tell. If it meant being happy as she had been in the beginning of her marriage, she would have given anything. There was nothing big enough she could give, though, and she was left to cry with Ino. Somewhere, sometime, something had fizzled and died inside of her and she could never have it back now. 

 

Ino hushed her, stroking her hair. “It’ll be okay,” she consoled. “You’ll see. You’re just having a bad day.”

 

Sakura laughed, choked as the sound was by her sobbing. “I’m not having a bad day. I’m losing all I built for the past fifteen years. Heck, the past twenty years!”

 

“Well, that’s what you wanted,” Ino chastised, still stroking Sakura’s hair. “You can’t cry about it now. You have to go out and make the best of it.”

 

Sakura sniffed and pressed the heels of her palms to her eyes, breathing in a trembling breath. Ino was right. It did nothing to ease the grip that crushed her heart, but she was right. Sakura did her best to gather herself once more, pushing down any feeling that threatened to boil over.

 

“Hey, c’mon,” Ino said, holding Sakura’s shoulders. “You haven’t finished my nails.”

 

Drying her eyes with the blanket, Sakura nodded. “You’re right.”

 

“You know what you need?” Ino said, a mischievous sparkle in her eye that never failed to send dread right into Sakura’s stomach. “A girls’ night out. When’s the last time we all went to a night club?”

 

Sakura snorted. “When we were little girls.”

 

“Right,” Ino continued. “With all the kids grown up, I think it’s time we had ourselves a little fun, too!” 

 

“You’re crazy, Pig,” Sakura sighed, shaking her head. With her trembling fingers, Ino’s toes were ruined. “We’re too old for that.”

 

“I am _ not _ ,” Ino said, huffing. “Let’s go out and turn some heads like we used to. What do you say?”

 

“No one’s going to look at us now,” Sakura laughed. “We’ll just look out of place.”

 

“Well, I think you’re wrong!” Wicked smile on her lips, Ino jumped to her feet and jogged to her wardrobe. She pulled flashy and short dresses from it that Sakura knew to be more than a decade old, but they still looked new. Ino pressed some of them against her body one by one, watching herself in the mirror. “We’re still smoking hot. Plus, you could use a little confidence booster.”

 

Ino tugged on Sakura’s arm until she followed her to the mirror. Like she had done for herself, Ino placed dresses on Sakura’s front, watching her in the mirror. 

 

“Tell you what,” Ino said when Sakura didn’t look convinced. “I’ll treat you to a meal at our favorite place. And coffee and cake.  _ And  _ drinks. If it doesn’t work out, you get all that. There’s no way you can feel down no matter how this goes.”

 

Sakura watched Ino in the mirror, dubious look in her eyes. “Promise?”

 

“Pinky promise!” Ino said, cheerful as a puppy. “I’ll go call the girls right now!”

 

Before Sakura could say anything, Ino was bounding down the stairs. Sakura sighed and resigned herself to her fate. There was no stopping Ino when she had an idea.

 

....

 

At the table, Sakura couldn’t help but fidget with her clothes. Ino had organized a night for them as promised. Much to Sakura’s embarrassment, it coincided with her yearly anniversary dinner with Team Seven. She had protested as much as she could, but Ino had said everything would be just fine and it wouldn’t hurt to remind the boys on her team that she was a  _ woman _ . Now more than ever, Sakura disagreed. 

 

“You look… really pretty tonight, Sakura,” Naruto said from across the table. “Did you dress like that just for our dinner?”

 

From her right, Yamato shifted uncomfortably, but he didn’t dare say anything.

 

Growing redder in the cheeks, Sakura shook her head. “Absolutely not. Ino strong armed me into going to a club after dinner, that’s all.”

 

Sakura would have had to be possessed to wear such a tight and short dress -- really only meant for bars and twenty year olds -- to this dinner. Every year, though the date varied wildly, they would meet and celebrate their coming together as a team. Though Sakura often had to pester the boys, they never failed to come. 

 

“A club, huh?” Naruto said, rubbing his chin. “I wanna come, then!”

 

“You’re not coming!” Sakura protested immediately, pulling her dress higher on her chest for the hundredth time. For reasons beyond her, some people considered straps or sleeves an optional feature. She used to think that way, too, two decades ago. “It’s a girls’ night out.”

 

Naruto hummed, deep in thought for a minute. Then, he laughed and turned to Sai and Kakashi. “Then let’s have a men’s night out. All four of us!”

 

Sai looked as pale and unaffected as ever, but Kakashi laughed. Sakura shot him a look from her side of the booth and he shrugged. When Sakura pulled the hem of her dress down again, Kakashi caught her hand under the table. 

 

“We’re already having dinner,” Sakura said. “Whatever are you going to do after? You’ll all just sit there, bored until you all leave.”

 

“She’s not wrong,” Kakashi said. “The three of you are married. Girl hunting is a thing of the past.”

 

“But  _ you _ are not,” Naruto countered, smirk so wide it threatened to split his lips. “I’d bet a hundred dollars you can’t get a girl.”

 

“Naruto!” Sakura scolded, kicking his shin under the table. Yamato jumped, scooting away from her as much as he could in their small booth. Naruto yelped in pain, cradling the abused flesh in his hands. “Don’t talk like that.”

 

“He started it!” Naruto wailed, then turned to Sai. “Right, Sai?”

 

“He didn’t suggest acting on it,” Sai said, calm. “I believe you are at fault.”

 

“You certainly are the one speaking so crudely,” Yamato laughed, nursing a beer. “Kakashi does encourage you, though.”

 

“I did no such thing,” Kakashi defended, a beer of his own in his hand.

 

Sakura laughed. At last, the waiter came with their food and they all quieted down so they could eat. 

 

“So, a girls’ night out?” Kakashi said between bites. “What will you do?”

 

“I already said,” Sakura mumbled, sipping her glass of wine. “We’re going to a club. We’ll dance and drink, I guess. You know what clubs are for.”

 

Yamato coughed into his fist and Sakura shot him a glare. Cheeks red, he put on an innocent smile.

 

“Do you have anything to say, Yamato?” Sakura said, smiling sweetly at him.

 

“Nothing at all,” Yamato said quickly, suddenly very interested by his food. “I hope you have fun.”

 

“Of course she’ll have fun,” Naruto cut in, enthusiastic as ever. “She’s pretty so she won’t even have to spend a penny.”

 

“Now, now,” Kakashi said before Sakura could become any redder. “Don’t speak so crudely of our sweet, innocent Sakura-chan.”

 

Naruto snorted, almost choking on his food. “She’s not twelve anymore, Kakashi-sensei.”

 

“Can we  _ not _ talk about me like I’m not here?” Sakura said, face red from both anger and embarrassment. “What I do at that club doesn’t concern any of you, anyway.”

 

“Sorry, sorry, Sakura-chan,” Naruto said, light and cheerful. “I didn’t want to upset you. It was a compliment, really.”

 

“Well, maybe you shouldn’t use men as a means to compliment me,” Sakura said, huffing. “My life doesn’t revolve around them anymore.”

 

“Company is always nice,” Kakashi said, stretching one long arm behind her on the booth. 

 

Sakura jabbed him in the ribs. Naruto laughed and accidently knocked over his glass of beer, spilling it onto his lap. Motherly instincts coming back to life, Sakura yelled at him. Red as a tomato, Naruto left to clean himself. This left Sakura to bicker with Sai about the obscenities he said and Yamato to try and keep them from a fist fight. As always, Kakashi simply sat back and read his favorite book. The rest of the dinner continued on in the same manner, though who fought with whom changed throughout the evening, until the meal wound down and the bill came. 

 

All in all, it was a rather uneventful night for Team Seven. Having bid everyone a good night and endured more of their teasing about her night out, Sakura left with a broad smile on her lips.

 

…

 

Sakura gulped down her third drink. They’d been here almost an hour already and Sakura simply didn’t feel it. Ino dropped down on the couch besides her, throwing an arm over Sakura’s shoulders.   
  


“What’s the pout for?” Ino shouted, but her voice was still drowned by the booming music. “Come on, dance with us!”

 

“I don’t know,” Sakura said with a sigh. “It just feels weird.”

 

“That’s code for shots,” Ino said, then cupped her hands around her mouth. “Tenten! She’s not having a good time!”

 

From where she was dancing, Tenten raised a thumbs up for them and disappeared into the thick crowd. Temari joined Sakura and Ino. 

 

“You’re being a sourpuss,” Temari said into her ear, not fond of raising her voice the way Ino did. “Just have fun.”

 

“What am I supposed to do?” Sakura frowned, staring down at the hem of her lime dress, which continuously rose higher than Sakura wished it did. “I can’t just decide to have fun.”

 

“Yeah, you can,” Temari said, laughing. “You get a good drink in you, then you move your body the way the alcohol tells you.”

 

“Exactly!” Ino said. “You just need another drink or ten.”

 

With perfect timing, Tenten arrived with a tray of shots and fresh drinks for them. Ino clapped and took one of the shot glasses, counting loudly to three. All the girls took a shot of their own and drank on three. Ino picked up a second shot and began counting again. Sakura drank her second shot, wincing as the alcohol burned down her throat. To wash it down, she sipped her fruity drink. She wasn’t quite sure what Tenten had ordered, but it was much better than what Sakura usually asked for.

 

Before long, a waitress came with another tray of shots. Sakura frowned at Ino. “Ino!”

 

“Hey, I didn’t order anything!” Ino defended, then turned to Tenten. “Did you?”

 

“From the gentlemen,” the waitress said, pointing to her side. 

 

The tray placed on the table, she left. A quick glance at the table she had pointed to showed her a group of men in equal numbers to them. Sakura stared down at the shots. With a shrug, Sakura emptied one. At her side, Temari laughed and did the same, quickly followed by the other girls. 

 

“You looked like you could use a little more,” one of the men who’d bought them their drinks said, extending a hand for Ino to shake. “My name’s Kenichi.”

 

“Ino,” Ino said smoothly, batting her lashes. “And you’re totally right. We’re just getting started!”

 

Behind the man, three more stood. One by one, they introduced themselves and sat with them. 

 

“See,” Ino whispered into Sakura’s ear, “I told you!”

 

Though she huffed, Sakura smiled. Temari nudged her shoulder, smirk on her face. 

 

“Don’t be so flattered,” Temari said. “They’re just looking for an easy piece of drunk ass.”

 

Sakura ignored her. For a time, the eight of them sat together, chatting as they could over the music. All of them were ninja, all jonin but one. One of them, Hayate, took particular interest in Sakura. When Temari stood to go to the washroom, he sat by her and made small talk. Every time Sakura said something about herself, he seemed impressed, smiling a wide, handsome smile and nodding. Here and there, he would say share a piece of information about himself. He was born in September and he favored the fire element. He liked any red sweets. He thought her hair looked like candy. 

 

As Sakura finished yet another drink, now long past a simple buzz, Ino stood and pulled her with her to go dance. The men followed, pairing with the girls. Guided by Hayate, Sakura watched her friends through the haze that had settled over her vision a little while ago. Ino was smiling, looking like she was having the time of her life with the stranger in front of her. Tenten didn’t bother to keep a respectable distance like Ino did -- she was already pressed against her partner, smirking up at him. Temari, too, seemed to be enjoying herself, though her partner seemed a tad too intimidated to do more than hover his hands above her sides. 

 

Breathing in, Sakura closed her eyes and let her hips follow the beat of the music, swaying from one side to the other as she felt like. Temari was right. Sakura just had to relax. The longer she danced, the more of her body Sakura moved. First it had only been her hips, then her shoulders, then her feet, and finally her arms. When she opened her eyes again, the world spun, but she didn’t mind. It seemed to fit the music. Sakura enjoyed it.

 

“You look like you’re having fun,” Hayate said, laughing. “You’re even more beautiful like that.”

 

Sakura laughed, her body too mellow to react when he wrapped his arms around her hips. “I am.”

 

“That’s good,” he said, dancing with her. “I am too.”

 

Sakura realized he was kissing her only when his lips had been pressed to hers for a good second already. Blinking, she returned it, though she was certain she was sloppy in her drunken state. Encouraged, he deepened the kiss and pulled her closer to him until her body was molded against his. At the feel of his erection on her stomach, Sakura pulled away clumsily, cheeks burning.

 

“Sorry,” Sakura mumbled quickly, “I’m not sure I… I don’t know -- “

 

“It’s fine,” Hayate laughed, guiding her into a less intimate dance. “Let’s just dance some more.”

 

As the waitress had called him, Hayate was a gentleman the rest of the night. When they had had enough of dancing, they sat together together a little longer, talking about anything and everything until Ino said it was time to go home. Then, he had given her his number and Sakura had taken it with a smile. After placing a kiss on his cheek, Sakura followed Ino home and crashed with her into her bed. 

 

…

 

The next few weeks were a blur to Sakura. Kakashi had been right during their dinner -- company was nice. So, Sakura had taken his advice and filled her days with it as she could. Lunches with Shizune, dinners with the girls, spars -- sometimes a little more -- with Kakashi and training with Tsunade. Every now and then, Sakura was alone. Being surrounded by people, she savored those quiet moments like fine chocolate. Only a little at a time, so she could truly enjoy them. Her training runs became more enjoyable each time, she found. So did her morning coffee, which she still sipped alone in the kitchen when the sun rose. 

 

Sakura stared down at the mug she always used, then wrapped it in paper.

 

At the sound of the door opening, Sakura looked up to find Kakashi. “Hey.”

 

“Hey,” he greeted, taking his usual seat by the counter. 

 

Sakura fetched him a beer, smile on her lips. One would have thought Kakashi might treat her house less like his now that Sarada wasn’t there anymore, but he didn’t. He came and went at his leisure, though he never bothered Sakura, as if having a sixth sense. 

 

As she wrapped more dishes in paper, Kakashi watched, confused. “What are you doing?”

 

“What does it look like I’m doing?” Sakura chuckled. “I’m packing.”

 

Kakashi stared at her, waiting for her to say more.

 

“What do you think?” Sakura said, placing the plate she’d been wrapping on the counter. “I’m selling the house. I saw a real estate agent today, and he said I should make the place as neutral as possible.”

 

“Why would you sell it?” Kakashi finally asked.

 

“I don’t have a choice,” Sakura said, running her fingers along the cold edge of the counter. “I don’t have the money to buy Sasuke’s half.” She sighed, looking around her at every little detail of her house. “I calculated, recalculated and checked again, but it would be ridiculous. I’ll miss it, but it’s just a house, right?”

 

“It’s not just a house,” Kakashi said, surprising Sakura. “You raised Sarada here.”

 

Sad smile on her lips, Sakura nodded. “I did. I’ll never forget this place.”

 

“You don’t have to move,” Kakashi said, taking a long sip from his beer. “Not if you don’t want to.”

 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Sakura laughed. “I don’t think the bank will agree with you when I default on mortgage payments.”

 

“Then marry me.”

 

Sakura’s smile shrunk until her lips were a thin, parted line. For a long time, she couldn’t move or speak. 

 

“If we get married,” Kakashi said, more careful, “you won’t be lacking the funds to keep the house.”

 

“What did you just say?” Sakura said, finding her tongue again.

 

“Marry me,” Kakashi repeated. 

 

Sakura could only stare at him. He sat there, can of beer still in his hand and slouched as he always was -- as if he was asking what she was making for dinner tonight. “You -- “ Sakura stumbled on her words, frowning. “What?”

 

Frustrated, Kakashi reached for her hand on the counter. He wrapped his fingers around her palm, stroking it. “You heard me correctly the first time.”

 

“Yes, but -- “ Sakura watched their hands. She had removed her ring when Sasuke left with Sarada, but it felt as if it was still around her finger. “You can’t ask me to marry you like that!”

 

“Why not?”

 

“Why not?” Sakura sputtered, pulling her hand away from him. “Are we even dating? You say that like it’s nothing! And -- and -- Wow. I won’t lack funds if I marry you? What does that even mean?”

 

“Don’t play stupid,” Kakashi said, now with a frown on his face. “You know how married couples handle finances.”

 

“So what are you offering?” Sakura continued, pacing madly around the kitchen. “If I marry, you’ll pay for everything? I should marry because of that?” Heart hammering in her ears, Sakura fidgeted with her shirt. “Wow. It sounds even worse when I say it. Are you trying to buy me?”

 

“Of course not,” Kakashi defended quickly. “Don’t be ridiculous.”

 

“I’ve barely been divorced a month!” Sakura said, her voice far louder and strident than she meant it to be. “Do you think I divorced Sasuke just so I could be with you? Is that how you see me? Like the kind of person who would do that?”

 

Finally agitated enough, Kakashi rose from his seat to stop her pacing.”Sakura. Stop it.”

 

“Stop what?!” Sakura screeched, shaking his hands off her shoulders. “You’re the one who’s being ridiculous!”

 

Kakashi remained silent, arms limp at his side.

 

“You walk in here and tell me I should marry you,” Sakura said, pausing as she threw her hands in the air. “I -- I don’t even know what I want to do at this point. I’m barely just divorced, and you ask me that?”

 

“It makes sense,” Kakashi said, taking her hands in his to still them. “Financially and otherwise.”

 

Sakura stared at her, jaw slack. “That’s what marriage means to you?”

 

Kakashi ran a palm up his face and into his hair. “No -- “

 

“Then why do you speak like that?” Sakura spat, trying to pull away from him, but he held her hands tight. “What kind of shitty proposal is that?”

 

“What do you want?” Kakashi finally said, more bite to his tone. “Do I need to get down on one knee in the middle of the village? Is that humiliating enough for you?”

 

“Humiliating?” Sakura scoffed. “You think proposing to me is humiliating?”

 

“Considering your reaction,” Kakashi said, fighting to keep his voice even. “Yes.”

 

“‘It makes sense,’” Sakura repeated, huffing. “That’s the best thing I’ve ever heard. That’s exactly what I want! Someone who marries me because it makes sense!”

 

“You’re twisting this into something it’s not,” Kakashi said, pulling Sakura closer to him. “Calm down.”

 

“No, I won’t calm down!” Sakura had enough of being calm. Nothing was calm in her life right now, so she might as well follow the flow. “I didn’t get divorced just to jump straight into another marriage. And especially not for money! That’s not what I want, that’s never what I wanted!”

 

“Then what  _ do  _ you want?” Kakashi finally yelled, startling Sakura. 

 

“I -- I don’t know!” Sakura said, a deeper frown on her face. “But not this. Not a proposal because it makes sense. I want to be proposed to like -- like… I want it to be special. As it should be! Because I’m loved, not because it makes sense!”

 

“I’ve already asked you,” Kakashi said, calmer, but he stood stiff. “It’s done. You  _ are _ special -- you know that.”

 

“Am I?” Sakura asked, tears gathering in her eyes. “Because you make it sound like you don’t care what I want. You have your little plan in mind and I’m just supposed to follow it!”

 

“That’s not -- “

 

“That’s exactly what it is!” Sakura yelled, dabbing at her eyes with the sleeves of her shirt. “You didn’t even think about how I might feel when you asked me this. You don’t care if I want to be alone or if I want to date other people -- or even if I wanted to date you. I should just settle with you.”

 

“We already  _ are _ ,” Kakashi said, trying to wipe a tear from her cheek, but Sakura swatted his hand away. “How have I not given you everything you needed? Proven to you what you mean to me?”

 

“By doing this!” Sakura spat, breaking away from him. She shoved at his chest until he stumbled back and towards the door. “By thinking  _ you _ are what can make everything right for me. Well, you know what? You can’t! So leave me alone!”

 

“Sakura -- “

 

“No,” Sakura snapped, leading him to the door. “I don’t want to hear any of it! Hell… You even just came into my home like you own it! Is that how it is already? I’m already yours in your mind? Well, you know what? I’m  _ not _ . And I want you out of here, now!”

 

Silent, Kakashi watched her, unmoving save for the rise and fall of his chest as he breathed.

 

“Get out!” Sakura yelled again, swallowing the tears that threatened to spill. “Just go away!”

 

Kakashi stood there a moment longer, shoulders dropping. Then, he did as she asked. Sakura closed the door behind him and crumbled against it. She pressed her face into her thighs, muffling her sobs the best she could. 

  
  
  
  
  
  



	10. Loneliess

**Chapter 10: Loneliness**

 

**…**

 

As soon as Sakura had been certain Kakashi was gone, she swallowed her sobs, dried her tears and put on a neutral face. As fast as she could without running, she made her way to Tsunade’s house. The entire walk, she suppressed any thought from developing in her mind. It took too long, as everything always did when she was trying her best to keep all her pieces from falling apart. Already as she knocked on Tsunade’s door, her chest began heaving. Tsunade had opened the door, looked at the moon, then back at Sakura and finally let her in at the sight of her state. 

 

Without a word, Tsunade led her to her couch and left to retrieve a blanket for her. While Tsunade left the room once more, Sakura wrapped herself in it and balled up in a corner of the couch. Soon enough, Tsunade came back with a cup of hot chocolate and placed it in Sakura’s hands as she sat. 

 

Twice before, Tsunade had gone through these exact steps. The first time had been when Sasuke tried to kill her, and the second when her father died. 

 

For a while, they sat in silence. Wrapped tightly as she was in the thick blanket and sipping from her boiling cup, Sakura was too hot, but it was exactly what she wanted. Tsunade sat with her feet propped on the coffee table, patiently staring ahead. Briefly, Sakura wondered if Tsunade ever did this for herself. It was hard to picture her mentor, such a tough-skinned woman, perfoming something so homely.

 

“Kakashi asked me to marry him,” Sakura finally said.

 

For a moment longer, Tsunade sat still, until she frowned and looked at Sakura. “Isn’t that a surprise.”

 

Sakura matched Tsunade’s frown. “Shishou.”

 

“What?” Tsunade chuckled, leaning her forehead on three fingers. “Did you think any man buzzes around a woman for a  _ decade _ without pursuing something?”

 

Sakura stared down in her hot chocolate, stubbornly covering the redness in her cheeks.

 

“That being said,” Tsunade added, much more serious. “I may break one of his legs.”

 

“Shishou!” Sakura gasped, then shook her head. Tsunade’s threat were rarely empty. “Please don't do that.”

 

Tsunade watched her closely, but Sakura held her gaze without blinking. Finally, Tsunade sighed. While everyone avoided ever speaking about Sakura and Kakashi’s relationship, Tsunade didn’t shy away from it, just as she never shied from critiquing her marriage to Sasuke. A few times, especially when Sarada was but a tiny baby and Kakashi a new Hokage, Tsunade had come to her house to find Kakashi there. Without fail, she would give Kakashi the side eye every time, hovering close to Sakura as if to shield her. Sakura had never thought much of it -- only wondered how Tsunade could ever think such ill of Kakashi.

 

“If his advances were so welcome,” Tsunade said, heaving a sigh. “You wouldn’t come to me crying in the middle of the night.”

 

“That’s not it,” Sakura mumbled, loosening her blanket prison. “He was never inappropriate to me -- “ Under Tsunade’s mocking gaze, Sakura paused briefly. “Not in that sense. Kakashi is always inappropriate, anyway,” Sakura sighed. “That’s not why I’m crying.”

 

Tsunade folded her hands in her lap, sober. “Then what is so awful it makes such a wreck of you?”

 

Sakura hesitated. Walking here, she thought she knew why. Now, the words seemed to escape her. “I’m not sure.”

 

Tsunade sighed, ever impatient. “I’ll go and assume you said no.”

 

Sakura nodded. “Why would I say yes?”

 

Laughing, Tsunade rolled her head back onto the couch’s cushion, heaving a long sigh. “What a question.”

 

With a pout on her lips, Sakura drank from her cup. “Stop mocking me.”

 

“Fine, fine,” Tsunade sighed. She pulled Sakura closer, one arm around her shoulders. “I don’t know what you really feel for him. I’ve seen you both together so many times, and…” She shook her head, closing her eyes. “Maybe you never kissed or slept together, but you might as well have been an old couple already.”

 

“What do you mean, an old couple?” Sakura muttered, leaning into Tsunade’s side. “That makes no sense.”

 

“Of course it does!” Tsunade said, rubbing Sakura’s shoulder. “You bicker, you laugh, you cook and clean together -- you’re comfortable together as if you were born joined at the shoulder. It doesn’t take a genius to see it.”

 

Sakura paused. Tsunade was right, as she always was. There were many events that proved it and they weren’t even hard for Sakura to remember or find. She had slept in Kakashi’s bed a handful of times. Occasionally, she had slept with Ino in the same bed, but never with Naruto or Sai. Never had she sat on Naruto’s chest with Icha Icha in her hand, nor asked him to read it to her. Neither did she rely on him to hold her when she cried. What she had with Naruto was friendship, and nothing else. They were brother and sister. Always there for each other, but not in the way that Kakashi was there for her. He provided more for her and Sakura always took it, sometimes offered it. Were she to imagine Sasuke in Kakashi’s place, how everything would have played out was obvious. They would have formed a relationship a long, long time ago. 

 

“I slept with him,” Sakura admitted, avoiding Tsunade’s eyes. “Before the divorce.”

 

Tsunade’s hand stilled on Sakura’s shoulder. 

 

“I feel so disgusting,” Sakura choked out, a sob shaking her chest. Tears formed in her eyes, but they remained there for the moment. “I feel so awful. I even lied to Sasuke about it.”

 

“Good,” Tsunade said. “Letting him know would only have made matters worse.”

 

“But that’s awful!” Sakura said, looking up at Tsunade’s stern face. “How could I lie to him?”

 

“Because you’re a smart girl,” Tsunade said, eyes on the bare coffee table. “There was nothing to be gained so you didn’t say it. However, you had something to gain from sleeping with that bastard.”

 

“It sounds even worse said like that…”

 

Tsunade laughed. “We’re humans. We’re awful things.”

 

“I enjoyed it,” Sakura said, turning distracted eyes on Tsunade’s painted nails. “A lot. It made me feel good. Like someone cared for me. I… I didn’t worry with him. Sometimes, I felt guilty, but… I keep going back to him because being with him feels so easy. Because we  _ are _ close. I never want to lose him. I didn’t need to sleep with him, but I did. I wanted to. I tried to convince myself it was only because I hadn’t had sex in years, but I know that’s not true anymore. It wouldn’t have happened so many times if it was.”

 

“Then why did you say no?” Tsunade asked, resuming her vigorous rubbing of Sakura’s shoulder.

 

“That’s a stupid question,” Sakura chuckled. “Marrying him isn’t the same as being with him. And you didn’t hear him ask me. Because it made sense, he said, financially and otherwise! It was so ridiculous. It’s like he thinks all he needs is to pay for everything I can’t afford and to fix my problems. I don’t want someone to fix my problems. I can fix them.”

 

“Of course,” Tsunade said. “But I doubt that’s really what he meant.”

 

Once more, Tsunade was right. Sakura had focused on that part because it saved her from having to consider everything else. “It was an awful proposal nonetheless. I’m barely just divorced. I’m so far from having found my footing and there he goes, pushing me into things I haven’t even had the time to think about yet.”

 

Tsunade hummed, listening but hardly reacting.

 

“I want what I always wanted. I want to feel the butterflies in my stomach again, to feel like I’m someone’s entire world, I want… I want a romantic relationship,” Sakura said, eyebrows knitted together. “Not just a partnership. I want someone who will give everything for me. Who will make me feel truly special.”

 

After exhaling a long breath, Tsunade squeezed Sakura’s shoulder. “You’ve always reached for the moon.”

 

“What does that even mean?” Sakura muttered, swallowing the last of her hot chocolate. 

 

“It means you’ve always had everything you wanted handed to you,” Tsunade began, “but it was never enough. You had the best teachers, the best opportunities, but you wasted it all after all. You had your childhood love -- and it was obvious how  _ that _ was going to turn out -- but you still went for it and now you’re paying the price because you asked too much of him. Now you’ve got yet another man who’s head over heels for you, but he’s not good enough. Because he won’t do all the bullshit you like.”

 

Lead in her stomach, Sakura stared at the blanket’s loose threads. 

 

“Do you really think you’ll have butterflies a year into another relationship? You’re not an idiot -- you know the honeymoon ends quick. You’re a liar, too,” Tsunade laughed. “You had them with him, I know. You just don’t want to admit that. Or accept that that part is over and now you’re in the boring stage. But it’s the best stage.” Tsunade looked ahead as she sometimes did, eyes filled with ghosts that would haunt her forever. “I had it once. And it slipped between my fingers, like his blood did.”

 

Sakura wrapped her arms around Tsunade, but she never responded to it. While Tsunade would comfort her, she would never accept it from Sakura. 

 

“I’m sorry, shishou,” Sakura whispered. 

 

“It’s okay,” Tsunade said. “It was a long, long time ago.”

 

“You think I should marry him, then?” Sakura asked, searching Tsunade’s eyes for guidance. “You think it’s a good idea?”

 

“It could be much worse,” Tsunade said quietly. “You’re the only one who can really answer that, though.”

 

“I don’t know if I can,” Sakura said slowly, pressing her cheek to Tsunade’s shoulder. “There’s so many things that… Do I even really want to be married again? Maybe it’s just timing. I thought I would be free for a time. But then again, Kakashi will never ask me to be a housewife. He’ll let me do anything I want. But do I want that? I can’t tell anymore. I feel like I want to be eighteen again, but I’m not, am I? And what if I do that for a time? Then it would be awful to go back to him when I’m done. It’s selfish.”

 

“It is,” Tsunade said. “You have to choose anyway.”

 

“Then what will it be like when we’re married?” Sakura continued. “We’ll just move in together and everything will be the same as before? Why even get married, then? But that’s selfish, too -- I only think this way because he’s given me everything without asking for anything. And I’m scared -- what about in twenty years? I’ll be old, but he’ll be much older. I’d like to think we still have many good years ahead of us.”

 

“You’re really obsessed with that moon,” Tsunade laughed. Sakura grumbled, but Tsunade ignored it. “All I can say is I would give anything to have what you have. But then again, if I hadn’t lost it, maybe I wouldn’t value it so much. We’re shinobi. Nothing in our lives is meant to last.”

 

For a long time after that, they remained silent. Sakura’s heart felt empty, all feelings poured from it and now much lighter. Though she was without an answer, the previous confusion and panic had left her, which was as much as she could hope for for the night.

 

…

 

Sitting in the kitchen, Sakura carefully wrapped the remaining picture frames. The album she had wrapped first, because it seemed simple and easy. One sheet, a piece of tape, and away in a box it went. Some day soon, hopefully, she would take it out again and be able to peruse it at leisure. The picture frames required more work -- two sheets and three pieces of tape. It shouldn’t have taken such time or effort, really, but Sakura couldn’t help but pause at length for each picture she prepared to store away. Most of them were of Sarada, or Sarada and Sakura herself. A handful had been of Sasuke. Fewer included Kakashi, which was odd, Sakura realized, considering how present he had been in her life. The difference between the pictures that featured Kakashi or Sasuke were night and day. In each one, Sasuke was alone, save for their wedding picture, and he always wore a stern face. Kakashi, on the other hand, was always together with Sarada, because Sakura took the pictures. In a single one, he was together with Sakura, when Hinata had spotted them shopping together. Neither of them had realized they’d been spied on until Hinata had handed Sakura the picture, carefully boxed and wrapped into a neat present. Upon opening the gift, Sakura’s cheeks had immediately flared up. The longer she stared at the picture, though, the more heat travelled down to her chest. It was entirely innocent. Kakashi was carrying half the groceries and they were both looking at each other, engrossed in a meaningless conversation. Even now, fingers brushing on the smooth glass of the frame, Sakura felt the same warmth bloom in her chest. It was the simplicity of it that turned Sakura upside down. They didn’t look especially happy, much less in love, but at ease. Mundane. Back then, seeing this, Sakura had felt happy, happy that there was a being on this Earth who made her feel so light in such a heavy world.

 

With a sigh, Sakura finished wrapping it and placed it in the box besides her. There was no such lightness now.

 

Lead weighing her eyelids down, Sakura continued her work. The rest of the pictures were all of Sarada. A month and a half later, Sakura still had received no news of her. No news was good news, she repeated to herself, but it eased none of the worry that burned in her heart. Sasuke was strong, she reminded herself, incredibly strong. Sarada couldn’t be anything but safe with him. 

 

Today, the real estate agent had shown the house to a young, expecting couple. From a distance, Sakura had watched as they entered her house, and then left it. The woman was pregnant, though not heavily so, but her hands still clung to her belly most of the time. Sakura remembered being pregnant so, how she would constantly think of her coming baby too. It was hard to forget, sleeping and kicking in her womb. Humming to herself, Sakura brushed a hand over her stomach. She hardly ever gave it much thought, but she did long for another child. She was too old now, though, so she didn’t dwell much on it. Her window was closed and there was nothing to do about it. 

 

They were very interested in buying, had said her agent. They would most likely put an offer down within the following month. A few potential buyers had been in and out of her house, but none of them had seemed quite as promising yet. Sakura didn’t know how to feel about it, so she felt nothing instead. The sooner the sale was closed, the better, but still Sakura didn’t try to hurry the process. 

 

All of it was bittersweet, if anything. It was much like finishing a book or a long project, Sakura thought. There was relief and satisfaction from closure, the excitement and anticipation of a new start, then the dread of leaving something behind forever, of no more coming back to the comfort of a place well-known. This, too, Sakura tried not to dwell too much on. There was no other choice but to go through with it and put on foot in front of the other.

 

Sakura chuckled. There were many subjects she avoided dwelling on lately. The patients that died. Her exhaustion after an excruciating day. The constant desire to cry. The anticipation of what lay ahead in her life. Finances. Sarada. Everything she was leaving behind. Then Sarada, again. Sasuke. Even Tsunade, too, Sakura worried about. Inhuman as she seemed, Tsunade was human. And humans didn’t live forever, most of all ninja. There was Kakashi, too. 

 

Sakura had yet to see him again. She had been careful to avoid all things associated with him and his habits, such as the training grounds at his usual schedule or the curry shop near his apartment that they both liked so much. Kakashi, too, must have been avoiding her. Had he sought her out, she would have had no choice but to face him. He still had the key to the house. Sakura made a mental note to retrieve it from him after the sale of the house, lest he invade strangers’ privacy.

 

Sucking in a deep breath, Sakura glanced up at the clock, forgetting it wasn’t there anymore. Instead, she dug her cellphone out from her purse and checked the time. Figuring it was a decent time for dinner, Sakura dialed Ino’s number. She didn’t want to be alone tonight. After seven rings, Sakura gave up. Ino must have already been preparing dinner for her family. Tenten’s number was the next she tried calling, but it didn’t even connect. Her phone must have run out of battery. She tried Shizune, too, but Shizune was already having dinner. Sakura thought of asking Naruto, but then decided against it. They were alright when surrounded with other people, but she didn’t want to be alone with him. He would no doubt think of Sasuke and blame the divorce on himself. Sakura felt heavy enough already. 

 

After a moment’s thought, Sakura began searching her list of phone numbers for Shikamaru’s cellphone. She thought she recalled saving his number after he was assigned as Sarada’s sensei -- there it was. She hesitated, then dialed it. Just when Sakura sighed and pulled the phone away from her ear, Shikamaru's voice came through the speaker. Surprised, Sakura greeted him. After all the amicable small talk Shikamaru could muster -- which was next to nothing -- Sakura reminded him of their agreement to meet again for dinner. Shikamaru took a time to answer, and Sakura was certain he would decline as well, but he then agreed, telling her to come to his house again since she was most likely packing her kitchen. Brittle smile on her lips, Sakura said she would be there soon. 

 

Sakura gave a liberal meaning to soon. Her first intentions had been to leave right away, but then she doubted if it wouldn’t be rude or strange to show up so quickly, so she went to her bedroom and killed time by applying makeup. Afterwards, she had gone through the outfits in her closet until she found one satisfying. It was an old dress, but Sakura was still fond of its light sky color. With a twirl, she watched herself in the mirror besides her closet. It was a bit short to her liking -- a product of her frivolous and over enthusiastic teen self -- but it still fit her nicely. It was modest enough, she decided, thanks to its lack of any cleavage and cute short sleeves. Figuring she had wasted enough time, Sakura shoved her feet in her favorite white heels and pulled her hair into a loose bun. Throwing her reflection in the mirror a last long look, Sakura smiled. She ought to cut her hair, she thought, but it would have to wait.

 

Finally, Sakura was at Shikamaru’s doorstep. She should have asked that he pick her up, she thought with a huff, and then knocked on the door. It was the least he could do to apologize for his prior rudeness.

 

Shikamaru was quick to answer the door and they exchanged banalities before he invited her inside. Once they were off her feet, Sakura’s gaze lingered on her heels. What a shame it was to wear such pretty shoes only to take them off before anyone could see them. Slippers on her feet, she followed Shikamaru to the kitchen. 

 

“Are we by ourselves again?” Sakura asked, standing by his side while Shikamaru searched the insides of the fridge. “Is Temari still away?”

 

“Temari will be in Sand for a while,” Shikamaru said, pulling out the ingredients that interested him. Sakura hummed. Every now and then, Temari would leave, sometimes for a few months at a time, to visit her brothers and for official missions in her home country. “Shikadai went with her.”

 

“How does that work?” Sakura asked, a finger on her chin. “Temari never did become a Leaf citizen, did she?”

 

Shikamaru shook his head. He handed Sakura a knife and pushed the cabbage on the cutting board. A pout on her glossy lips, Sakura began chopping it. Shikamaru instead worked on the cutting fatty pork. “She didn’t. Shikadai is a Leaf citizen exclusively -- on paper -- but we thought it would be good for him to know of both sides of his roots.”

 

“It is.” Sakura nodded. “Don’t you get lonely without them, though?”

 

Shikamaru shrugged. He began chopping other vegetables. “Not really. I know I’ll see them soon enough. I’ll be happy when I see them. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.”

 

Sakura finished with the cabbage. “So they say.”

 

Also done with his task, Shikamaru began preparing tea. “When absence is within reason, of course,” he said, motioning towards the table. “Have a seat. I’ll handle the rest.”

 

Sakura sat, slinging one leg over her other knee. From behind, she watched Shikamaru throw the vegetables in a pan together with oil. “I never thought you much of a family man,” she said, leaning her back into the hard wood of the chair. “I’m not really surprised you enjoy time by yourself.”

 

Shikamaru only hummed in response and added noodles into his pan. 

 

“I like yakisoba,” Sakura said to fill the void, bouncing one ankle up and down. “Do you have mayonnaise?”

 

While the noodles cooked, Shikamaru poured them each a cup of tea as he nodded. “You’re one of those people.”

 

Sakura took her cup from his fingers when he handed it to her. His fingers were smooth, Sakura noted, much unlike Kakashi’s or Sasuke’s. “What do you mean?”

 

From behind his cup, Shikamaru smiled. “One of those who must drown everything in mayonnaise to find it palatable.”

 

Scoffing, Sakura spun on her seat to face the table instead. “Maybe you’re the one who has bad taste.”

 

With a hum, Shikamaru put his cup down on the table and returned to his cooking. Sakura sipped from her cup a few times, then put it down by Shikamaru’s. Before long, he served dinner and a bottle of mayonnaise for her. She reached for her cup of tea, but hesitated, realizing she wasn’t quite sure which one of them was hers. Shikamaru picked one before she decided on which to take and sat down to his own plate. When he drank from it, Sakura saw the stain of her lip gloss on the rim, but didn’t say anything. Instead, she drank from his cup and then added mayonnaise to her yakisoba. 

 

Swallowing her first bite, Sakura hummed. “You’re a good cook.”

 

Shikamaru only gave a quick nod, chewing. “So, how have you been? It’s been a little while since our last dinner.”

 

“Oh, um.” Sakura uncrossed her legs, sitting a little straighter. “Okay, I guess, all things considered. I’m still an intern at the hospital.”

 

Under Shikamaru’s examining eyes, Sakura shrank a little, eyes scurrying to the side. 

 

“That’s a vague answer,” he finally said. “Is that really all you have to say?”

 

“I’m sorry,” Sakura said, frown on her face. “I didn’t realize this was an interrogation.”

 

Shikamaru reclined in his chair, cup loosely hanging from his fingers. “It’s not. You can say whatever is on your mind, though.”

 

Sakura hesitated, running the tips of her fingers around the rim of her cup. It was hard to tell what Shikamaru had in mind. On one hand, she could well see him gathering all the information he could in order to be able to use it against her -- yet, she doubted he would ever actually use any of it. Shikamaru simply liked to gather knowledge and information. 

 

“I got divorced, my daughter left,” Sakura began, eyes looking up as she recalled all the event of the past two months, “my husband probably hates me, my job hasn’t changed, Ino is mad at me but won’t say it… I was proposed to. Is that precise enough?”

 

Shikamaru hummed, sharp smile on his thin lips. “Not quite, but it will do. What shall we discuss, then?”

 

The corners of Sakura’s lips fell. “Why should I tell you anymore?”

 

Shikamaru gave a shrug, eating another bite before he answered. “If you hadn’t wanted company and someone to talk to, you wouldn’t have come here.”

 

Shoulders drooping, Sakura forced another bite of her food into her mouth.

 

“You don’t have to say a word,” Shikamaru added. “You can, though.”

 

After a pause, Sakura put her fork down. She wasn’t hungry anymore and there wasn’t much on her plate left anyway. Shikamaru did the same, though he was already done. “I never thought I’d get divorced,” she sighed. “It seemed impossible, until suddenly that was all I could think about. I think Ino is more angry about it than she’ll say to me. She said it was okay, as long as I was happy, but I don’t think she takes it so lightly. I know that’s not how she is. There a lot of things that terrify me about the divorce.”

 

Sakura glanced at Shikamaru, but he only stared at her in silence. 

 

“It feels like I’ve lost this big part of me -- one I thought was immutable. But it wasn’t. What else will change if  _ that _ could change? And I’m afraid of what everyone is saying behind my back. Ino knew about my divorce before I even told her. I shouldn’t care so much, I know, but it still scares me. I’m scared what my daughter thinks of me. I love her more than anything in the world. I don’t think I could bear it if she hated me. She’ll understand, someday, maybe…”

 

“She’d be right to hate me,” Sakura continued, watching the ripples in her tea. “I slept with another man. I was still married, too. I hardly even feel guilty about it. If there’s one thing I’ve done for myself and myself only, it’d be that, I think. I didn’t even think of how he would feel. Isn’t that awful?” Shikamaru gave no answer, so Sakura sighed. “I’ve been thinking of all I want. For several months, now. I called Sasuke three months before he came and that’s all that’s been on my mind since. What I want. What I’ve missed out on. So I got a job, slept with another man, went out to restaurants and bars…”

 

“I don’t know if I thought that would fix my life? It didn’t. I thought it did, I think. I felt good, for a while. I liked the freedom. But I hurt a lot of people for that freedom,” Sakura continued, fingers slipping in the handle of her cup. “I don’t think I even really realized it… I felt fine. I kept myself busy, so I was fine. But all it takes is one drop for the vase to overflow, right? Now I don’t feel like I’m even a step away from where I was before. I’m still stuck in the same place.” Sakura looked at Shikamaru again. He was patient, unmoving. She liked it, Sakura thought. Like a solid rock. “You know who I’m talking about, don’t you? You’re smarter than everyone else and I’m sure you hear more of the whispers in this village than you let on. You wouldn’t have looked at me twice otherwise. Maybe I should just come out with it already. It was Kakashi. Of course it was Kakashi, right?” Sakura laughed. “It’s the kind of thing that’s so close to your face you don’t even see it.”

 

Sakura paused for a moment. Her cheeks and eyes were dry, she noticed. She didn’t feel any tears coming, either. The words just poured from her throat, but she found she didn’t mind so much. She’d had enough of carefully selecting what she showed to everyone. They saw what they wanted, anyway. Or she slipped up somewhere and they glimpsed something she hadn’t meant to show. What was the use in hiding? 

 

“He asked me to marry him,” Sakura continued, wondering if she ought to stop. Shikamaru looked neither bored nor annoyed, so she didn’t. He wanted her to talk. “It was stupid, really. I’m selling the house -- but you knew that much, you said so on the phone -- and he said if I married him, I could keep the house. I blew up on him. I haven’t even talked to him since.” Sakura breathed in deeply. “I’m still angry at him, actually. He just shattered whatever little fantasy I had about my life. No, everything is not okay. I’m still a mess. I haven’t fixed anything yet. Sure, I feel a bit better, freer, but… It doesn’t change that I have nowhere to live once I sell the house. That I can’t decide what to do with him. That my daughter isn’t with me, or even that I barely have a penny to my name at my age -- “

 

The ringing of her phone startled Sakura. She fumbled with it, then frowned when she saw the estate agency’s name on the screen. She gave a quick, apologetic look to Shikamaru and he nodded, so she answered the call. On the other end, her agent greeted her with what felt like a screech and was quick to tell Sakura that the couple that had visited had put an offer on the house.

 

“Already?” Sakura said, frowning. “At this hour?”

 

“Yes,” the agent said, almost squealing. “They just loved it and they were afraid it would sell if they waited. Isn’t this just marvelous? They offered only five percent under asking price, too. They really want it.”

 

“Yes,” Sakura said after a pause. “That’s marvelous. I’m in the middle of a dinner with a friend, though, so could we discuss this tomorrow?”

 

After several apologies, the agent hung up, wishing her a great night. Sakura stared up at Shikamaru. He had a hint of a smile on his face now and Sakura couldn’t help but scowl. Then, after taking a moment to process it all, Sakura smiled, too. Eyes staring into her lap, she smiled to herself. Perhaps the sale of the house was a step in the right direction. If she wanted closure on her previous life, this was it. This was the end of a chapter in her life. 

  
  



	11. Nothing of her Own

**Chapter 11: Nothing of her Own**

 

**…**

 

After the call, Sakura sat for a while longer, wordless. She had thought she would have longer to ready for the move. It didn’t matter much, Sakura knew, since she would most likely move in with one of the girls until she found a home of her own. They’d already offered their homes to her when she had announced she’d put the house on the market, but nothing had been made official yet. There was most likely no emergency, either way. Unless the couple expected to move in by the end of the week, but that was highly unlikely.

 

“Good news?” Shikamaru said, startling Sakura out of her thoughts.

 

Sakura gave a quick nod, brittle smile on her lips. “Yes. I have an offer on the house. I’ll accept it.”

 

“Wonderful.” Shikamaru stood and cleared the table. “Dessert?”

 

Sakura nodded again. “Sure. Why not. Will you eat it this time?”

 

“I won’t,” Shikamaru said. Sakura was about to protest, but he got a bottle of umeshu from the fridge. It was a brand she knew well and often favored due to its sweetness. “There’s salt cookies too, if you want more.”

 

Cocking her head to the side, Sakura sucked on her bottom lip. “Salt cookies? From the south?”

 

Shikamaru nodded. “Temari has an aunt from there that likes to send us some every now and then.”

 

Sakura took the overfilled glass Shikamaru handed her. “I’d like some. If you don’t mind.”

 

“Not at all.” After handing her a plate of the cookies, Shikamaru sat again, a glass of his own in his hands. “I don’t like them, actually.”

 

“I love them,” Sakura said, picking one up. As she chewed on one, it struck her how Shikamaru had never reacted to her monologue. She washed down the salt from the cookies with a long sip of wine. It was an odd match, but she didn’t mind. “Thanks for dinner. It was good.”

 

Shikamaru simply nodded. 

 

Sakura alternated between drinking and eating, a tinge of color to her cheeks. Shikamaru drank in silence for some time. She didn’t know what to say, so she remained silent. Small talk was lost on him. When they had finished their glasses, he refilled them. 

 

“You’re not sending me away so fast today,” Sakura chuckled. “I didn’t think anything of it then, but our last meeting was very short.”

 

“You weren’t so comfortable the last time,” Shikamaru answered. His cheeks were becoming darker, but Sakura could tell it was only the effect of the alcohol. She’d seen it often before -- he was one of those people who flushed easily. “I thought you might appreciate it.”

 

Sakura hummed. He wasn’t entirely wrong. She hadn’t known what to do with herself at the end of their conversation and walking home had done her good. “I did.”

 

“Let’s watch a movie.”

 

Immediately, Shikamaru stood and walked away, taking the bottle and box of cookies with him. Sakura stared after him for a moment, blinking, then hurried to follow lest she get lost. Shikamaru led her to a living room that looked like it couldn’t decide in which era it belonged. The floor was tatami mats on which stood a low, traditional table surrounded by four zabuton. Sakura held no affection for these old chairs she could never quite figure out how to sit comfortably in. Against the wall, there was a rather large tv, flanked by two bookcases filled with DVD cases. 

 

“I never thought you were a movie fan,” Sakura said, standing at his side while Shikamaru moved the table to a corner and arranged two zabuton so they could face the tv together comfortably. “That’s an impressive collection.”

 

Shikamaru held out a hand for her. Sakura took it and he helped her balanced her weight as she sat. “It’s Shikadai’s, actually.”

 

“Really?” Sakura settled for sitting with her legs off to the side, away from Shikamaru’s seat, and pulled her dress lower across her thighs. “You sure spoil him.”

 

Once he’d picked a movie and put it in the player, Shikamaru sat with her, stretching long legs straight in front of him. “I don’t. He bought all of this with money from his missions or his allowance.”

 

“Wow.” 

 

As the movie played, Shikamaru didn’t talk much. Sakura didn’t mind -- she was enjoying the movie. He’d picked a movie she could only assume was set in a faraway country, but its story was one common to the entire world. A father who protected his child at all cost, instilling in him the beauty of life even amidst a terrible war. 

 

“Have you seen this movie before?” Sakura asked when he refilled her glass for the fourth time, emptying the bottle.

 

Shikamaru nodded.

 

“You don’t talk much about yourself,” Sakura whispered, as if there were other movie watchers to bother. “You make me say so much about myself, but you don’t say a word about you.”

 

“You didn’t ask.”

 

Sakura hummed, glass to her lips. “It’s true. Say something, then.”

 

“I enjoy your company,” Shikamaru said simply. 

 

Pout on her lips, Sakura gave his shoulder a weak shove. “No. Something better.”

 

“Sometimes,” Shikamaru began, interrupting his sentence with a long drink. “I wish I’d never gotten married.”

 

“Why?” Sakura asked, frowning. “Don’t you love your wife?”

 

“I do,” Shikamaru said. “Of course I do. Life is easy.”

 

“Then why?”

 

“Because it’s…” Shikamaru frowned, then drank again. “It’s too easy, maybe.”

 

“How can life be too easy?” Sakura laughed, drinking another mouthful of wine. “I wish I had your problems.”

 

“I don’t know,” Shikamaru answered, reclining further in his seat. “I don’t feel that I deserve all I have. That could be why.”

 

Sakura hummed. “I wouldn’t worry so much about it. If you’re good, good comes to you, I think.”

 

Shikamaru didn’t answer, so Sakura stopped paying attention to him and resumed watching the movie. It was slow paced, so she’d missed nothing. When her glass was empty once more and she stared at it a second too long, Shikamaru took it from her and left the room, only to come back with clean glasses and a bottle of whiskey. He must have an interest in alcohol, because he’d picked a bottle Sakura knew to be of high quality. He poured some for her and Sakura drank without complaint.

 

“I do enjoy your company,” Shikamaru repeated after a time. “I meant it.”

 

“That’s nice of you to say,” Sakura said, cheeks warm from both the alcohol and his flattery. 

 

“That’s a nice dress you’re wearing.”

 

Cheeks warmer, Sakura splayed a hand on the material of it that covered the top of her thighs. “You think so? I must’ve had it for more than a decade.”

 

Shikamaru hummed and fell silent again. At some point, the movie ended and he stood to start another one. Sakura didn’t protest, preferring to simply watch him. Like Kakashi, he favored wearing his uniform at all times as far as she could tell, though it hung closer to his body and he didn’t wear the vest. Glass empty once more, Sakura set it between them on the tatami floor. She caught the movement of his hand from the corner of her eye, but it slipped from her mind quickly. Instead of refilling her glass, he brushed his fingers on her thigh, a few inches from her knee. Sakura kept her eyes plastered to the tv screen, holding her breath. His touch was soft, careful. Testing. When she didn’t ask him to stop, he brought his palm higher and higher until he met with the hem of her dress. Sakura chanced a glance at him, but he was still watching the movie, focused eyes set on the screen. Then, he slid his fingers across her skin, towards the inside of her thigh. Sakura’s breath hitched in her throat. He massaged the flesh there, rubbing lazily into it.

 

“So you were serious about it then,” Sakura whispered. 

 

Only a corner of Shikamaru’s mouth lifted in a smirk. She knew what he was waiting for, but she didn’t know what to give him. She knew he would read as much as he could into her answer and it bothered her. 

 

“You’re married,” Sakura said. “You said you wouldn’t do anything to upset your wife.”

 

“And I’m not,” Shikamaru answered, inching his hand up until his fingers brushed against her panties. Sakura swallowed. “We have our agreements.”

 

“Oh.”

 

Sakura entertained the thought that he might be lying to her, if only to receive an answer unburdened by her idea of morals, but decided against it. Shikamaru played games on the battlefield, but she liked to believe he had a fairer character off it. Sakura settled on leaving him hanging and didn’t react further. Much to Sakura’s disappointment, Shikamaru wasn’t bothered. He kept rubbing circles in her skin, brushing against her panties on every inward stroke.

 

“You don’t have to play games,” he finally said. “Wherever this goes is fine.”

 

Covering her mouth with a loose fist, Sakura tried to focus on the movie again, but heat was flaring in her abdomen already. 

 

“I believe I can guess which way you want this go,” he continued, emptying his glass. “You’re not exactly hard to read.”

 

Sakura sucked on her bottom lip, shutting her eyes. “What did I do?”

 

“Is that really a question?”

 

Sakura nodded. Shikamaru cupped her sex into his palm, pressing the heel of his palm against her clit and rubbing slow circles. 

 

“You came here done up. You made it casual and it was subtle, but you were hurt when I didn’t compliment you right when you arrived,” he said. Sakura bit her tongue. He was right. He hadn’t even looked at the nice heels she had worn. “You didn’t react when I took your cup and you drank from mine. The way you sat with your legs crossed. You drink with me alone. The way you sat here.”

 

“What about the way I sat here?” Sakura breathed, facade crumbling. 

 

WIth his free hand, Shikamaru moved the glasses and bottle away. “You leaned towards me. Legs open just enough so I could see a little more of your thighs if I tried. You have nice thighs.”

 

Sakura chuckled. She hadn’t realized she had done any of that, save for being disappointed he didn’t tell her she looked good tonight. She had bothered to put makeup on after all. “You’re observant.”

 

“Does that surprise you?” Shikamaru withdrew his hand and shifted closer to her, wrapping one arm around her shoulders. 

 

“Not really.”

 

He breathed against her neck and ran one hand down Sakura’s leg, raising goosebumps where he touched. Sakura shut her eyes and breathed in deeply. His touch was lazy and slow, much unlike Kakashi’s. Kakashi did take his time -- when she and the situation allowed him -- but his hands were entirely different. They touched her and held her always with a purpose, strong and determined. It never failed to send shivers down Sakura’s spine. It felt as if he loved touching her, loved feeling and seeing her body. Almost like her body and self were two different entities. 

 

On the other hand, Shikamaru’s touch felt like a means to an end. He was doing a good job, too. Sakura was mellow in his arms, heartbeat quickening when he kissed her neck and slid his hand under her dress. Sakura opened her eyes to watch him when he began slipping the sleeves of her dress down her shoulders. He watched her as well, anticipating her reaction as he tended to. Sakura swallowed and closed her eyes once more. Before he continued, Shikamaru laid her down. 

 

Kakashi didn’t look at her the way Shikamaru did, either. If Kakashi didn’t look at her the way he did, Sakura might have thought he really did just want sex. But when he looked at her, deep into her eyes, Sakura knew that was how he connected both the tangible and intangible parts of her. It was all very similar, in fact -- both intense, determined and… Sakura could hardly find the right word. Loving, perhaps, but it didn’t feel enough. 

 

Shikamaru had moved her dress down and was now undoing her bra. The movie was still playing on the tv behind them, but Sakura had long lost track of its happenings. Running his hands down her sides, Shikamaru kissed from her shoulder down to between her breasts, leaving hot, humid spots on her skin. Then his hands were on her hips, fingers hooked into her panties and ready to pull them down. 

 

“Open your eyes.”

 

Sakura obeyed. Shikamaru stared down at her, long enough that Sakura thought to say something, but he sat on his heels, odd smile on his lips.

 

“I was right,” he said. Sakura frowned. “You don’t really want this.”

 

“That’s not -- I -- “

 

“It’s fine,” Shikamaru said before Sakura could say more. Cheeks burning, she sat up and retrieved her bra from the floor. “How about I walk you home?”

 

Sakura hurried to dress, avoiding Shikamaru’s eyes. He wasn’t wrong, but Sakura hadn’t meant to stop him. “I, um, I think I’d rather go home alone.”

 

Shikamaru nodded. Sakura chanced one look at him, both surprised and not that he appeared unaffected. Even as he escorted her to the door, he showed no sign of annoyance or anger. Sakura put her shoes on, heart hammering in her ears.

 

“We should have dinner again.”

 

“What?” Sakura said, her mouth forming several silent words before she was able to continue. “But after this…”

 

“This won’t happen again,” Shikamaru said.

 

Sakura nodded, turning towards the door. “Okay. Well, I’ll be on my way.”

 

“Good night.”

 

Sakura bid him good night as well and walked away.  Her first few strides were of a forced natural, but as soon as she was certain that Shikamaru had closed the door and was no longer watching her, she sped up, legs reaching forward in long, hurried strides. It was late now, but hardly any colder than when she had left her own home. She longed for autumn nights that left her skin cool rather than clammy with sweat. In the humidity, she felt as if she might as well be swimming, but that was far from how her mind felt right now -- after months of it, she no longer felt so. No. She wished it had been a fall night because it would have matched clarity that had seized her brain. 

 

Sakura wanted to laugh. Stark as every of her thoughts and feelings appeared in her head, she was well aware she was no closer to a solution or decision. Yet, she was relieved. It didn’t matter how things turned out, she thought, because what would happen would happen. She could only make the most of it and try not to hurt more people in the process. But hurt was a necessity -- she had suffered it for a long time, and she could not free herself from it without transferring the pain to someone else. She would always keep a part of it sheltered in her heart, cradling it there to look back on during a dark night, to weep and marvel upon. It was a part of her. One that had long scared her and still did scare her; only its hold on her was broken.

 

Though she had contemplated going straight to Kakashi’s apartment, Sakura opted to go home first. A shower was much needed. Then she could come clean to him -- or as clean as the heat and humidity permitted. That, too, Sakura felt oddly at peace with. She wasn’t perfect. No, she was far from perfect, but that was okay. 

 

When she knocked on his door, Sakura stood there in silence, not daring so much as a breath. There were many things she wanted to tell him tonight and she still fought to organize her thoughts. Her heart should have been beating much harder than it was, yet it was quiet. Sakura welcomed it with open arms. She would need her cool. After a while, she finally exhaled and then resumed breathing. He hadn’t answered and only now did Sakura realized that all his lights were out and she couldn’t feel his presence. He wasn’t home.

 

With a sigh, Sakura jogged down the stairs and headed to the curry restaurant two blocks down the street. He wasn’t there, but Sakura nonetheless bought a meal to bring back home. Once there, she ate in the dark. The curry had grown as cold as it could and she ate without appetite. She had bought it on a whim -- certainly not out of necessity -- perhaps hoping it would somehow summon Kakashi. She had never eaten there without him, so it had seemed impossible that such a thing be possible. He wasn’t there, though, so it obviously was.

 

Sakura sighed, lips tips around her spoon. She loved Kakashi. She truly did -- and not only in the friendly and affectionate way she had already admitted to. She loved him. She wanted him by her side now and forever. She wanted the way he looked at her, the way he touched her, the way he talked with her, all of it. She wanted him here now. It was all selfish, Sakura knew, but it didn’t stop her from wanting all of those things. She wasn’t sure she deserved any of them, either, but she didn’t dwell on the subject. Kakashi would decide, and that was okay too. It was like a bubble growing in her chest, ready to pop at any second. She needed to  _ tell _ him. She didn’t know what to do with those feelings yet, but they would figure it out. Telling him was the first step.

 

But Kakashi wasn’t there, so Sakura ate her lukewarm curry by herself in silence.

 

…

 

Bare as the house was, it was lively. Ino and Shizune were in the living room, singing along with the karaoke DVD they had brought and played on the tv. With all the wine in their blood, they butchered the song, but no one seemed to mind. Naruto joined in, but his voice was offensive to Ino -- she smacked him over the head and began bickering with him. On the couch, Yamato laughed, beer in hand. Hinata sat at his side, quiet and proper as always. The air was had been heavy between Hinata and Sakura when she had first arrived, but Sakura had smiled wide and been so cheerful that Hinata didn’t take long to relax. Enough time had passed -- Sakura had let go of her grudge. Tenten was right. It wasn’t really her fault either. 

 

“Are you sure that’s not any bother?” Sakura said to Tenten, sipping her wine. “I wouldn’t want to impose.”

 

“Not at all!” Tenten insisted, one arm thrown over the back of her chair. “I offered. It’ll break the monotony now that Chun is hardly ever in the house.”

 

“Thanks,” Sakura said.

 

Tenten paid it no mind. “So where’s your beau? How come he isn’t here?”

 

Sakura frowned. “My what?”

 

Tenten laughed, then winked. “Kakashi, of course. He’s always there.”

 

“Oh.” Sakura stared down in the deep red of her wine. “He’s been on a mission the last couple weeks. I haven’t had a chance to invite him.”

 

“Is that so?” It was said with such sarcasm and mock innocence that Sakura couldn’t help but glare at Tenten. Tenten, though, didn’t mind. “Well, that’s sad, anyhow. He’s been ‘round here a lot. Don’t you think he’ll miss the house?”

 

Sakura shrugged. “Probably, but he knew I was selling it. I didn’t think it would be so fast, though.”

 

“You sure got lucky.”

 

That much was true. Sakura had never expected to sell the house so fast. She was happy it did, though, as much as it broke her heart to leave behind the home she had raised Sarada in. There were many sad memories in this house, too, and those Sakura was happy to let go of. A fresh start was exactly what she needed. It would be another few weeks until the new owners moved in, but Sakura was almost entirely done packing. By the end of the week, she would have sent everything not immediately necessary into a storage and the rest in Tenten’s apartment. 

 

“Great party, Sakura-chan!” Naruto said, hugging her from behind. “This is the best way to say goodbye to an old friend!”

 

Sakura laughed, patting his arm. “Definitely is.”

 

Naruto was right. Sakura looked around her, at everyone spread around her house. They all looked happy, with big smiles, rosy cheeks and bright eyes. Even Tsunade seemed unusually raucous, rough housing Yamato when he distracted Shizune too long from her. Ino had somehow convinced Hinata to sing karaoke. Shikamaru and Choji were quieter, playing chess on the table besides Sakura and Tenten, but they smiled too. 

 

When her phone rang, Sakura started, then hurried to fish it out of her pocket to check the caller id. It was Sarada. Seeing the name, Naruto let her go immediately and Sakura hurried upstairs to answer.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Hi? Mom?”

 

“Yes, it’s me, sweetie,” Sakura answered, touching her fingertips to her lips as she entered her bedroom and kicked the door closed behind her.  “It’s so good to hear your voice.”

 

“It’s good to hear you too, Mom,” Sarada said. 

 

Sakura sat on her bed, fighting to suppress joy from reducing her to a mess of giggles and wails. “Are you okay? Is everything alright over there?”

 

“Yes, everything’s fine, Mom. I’m okay,” Sarada sighed, though she didn’t sound so annoyed. “What about you? How’s everyone?”

 

“We’re all good, honey,” Sakura answered. “It’s quiet here. But…”

 

“But what?”

 

“I sold the house,” Sakura said quickly, deciding to rip off the bandage rather than pull and tug at it all day. “I had to. I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you -- you left in such a hurry and -- “

 

“It’s alright, mom,” Sarada cut in. “It’s just a house. I don’t mind. I wish I could have said goodbye, but it doesn’t matter. I understand.”

 

Sakura sighed, shutting her eyes. “Thank you, sweetie. You have no idea what this means to me. How’s your father doing?”

 

“He’s okay, I think,” Sarada said, though she was suddenly quieter. Sakura’s heart sank. She had never meant to make him suffer, much less cover his time with Sarada with dark clouds. “He’s been taking me so far, Mom,” Sarada continued. The wonder that took over her voice stole Sakura’s breath. “It’s been so amazing. Have you ever seen the mountains that border Iwa? They’re gigantic…”

 

Sarada continued for a while. It had only been two months, but they had already travelled very far and Sarada had a lot to say about every single thing she saw. She enjoyed hunting, even. She said she liked knowing that she was feeding herself, that she needed no more than her bare hands to survive. Sakura recalled how she had felt herself when first exploring outside the walls of Konoha -- she must have sounded much like her own daughter when she’d first come home to talk about the wonders of the outside world. It was grand, overwhelming, amazing, wonderful. It was all that Sarada was telling her, and Sakura knew, because she had seen it with her own eyes. 

 

“We’re heading towards the ocean now,” Sarada continued. “I can’t wait to see it. Have you ever seen it, Mom?”

 

“I have,” Sakura said. “One time, when we were still genin, we went as a team. It was a mission, but it really felt more like a vacation, really. You’ll see, it’s beautiful. It’s nothing like a pool or river.”

 

“Dad says the water is super salty,” Sarada said, and Sakura could hear the frown in her voice. “Is that true?”

 

“It is,” Sakura laughed. “It hurts to swallow it, like your throat has dried out. Be careful with your eyes, too. It burns pretty bad.”

 

“That’s so weird.”

 

Sakura shrugged. “It feels great, though. It’s much warmer than a river. You’ll see.”

 

For a while longer, Sarada continued sharing every small detail that had drawn amazement from her. Sakura listened intently, a smile on her lips. It was hard to recall the last time Sarada had actually been a child this way, speaking excitedly of the smallest thing that Sakura since long paid no more attention to. Hearing her daughter, though, Sakura remembered how it had all felt as well. 

 

“Oh, dad says I have to hang up,” Sarada finally said. “Dinner’s ready. I’m so happy I got to talk to you.”

 

“Me too, sweetie,” Sakura said, throat suddenly tight. “Call me again whenever you can.”

 

“Yeah, I will. Bye, Mom!”

 

“I love you. Bye.”

 

Sarada hung up, leaving Sakura to stare at her phone. For a long time, she stayed still, replaying the conversation in her mind, torn between smiles and tears. She wished Sarada could call back right now, however little sense that would make, if only to end the agony of not knowing  _ when _ it would come. Much welcome, an interruption came in the form of Yamato’s knock on the door and his concerned voice.

 

“Come in.”

 

Yamato opened the door, peeking in to assess the situation. When it was neither too dire nor too rosy, he stepped inside and sat with Sakura on her bed.

 

“That was Sarada, wasn’t it?” he asked, angled towards her to watch her. Sakura was always surprised to see the warmth in his eyes -- he could be so cold and stoic, but not towards them or Kakashi.

 

“It was,” Sakura said softly, nodding. 

 

“Are you okay?”

 

Sakura nodded again. “I’ll be fine.”

 

“How is she doing?” he asked, smiling a little wider. “I haven’t seen her in so long. It makes me regret not spending a little more time with her when I had the chance.”

 

Though he was nowhere near as implicated as Kakashi was, sometimes Yamato did swing by with him to play with Sarada, whether it was with children's’ toys or play fighting once she got older. Sarada seemed to like him and was, thankfully, unaffected by his scary face unlike Naruto. 

 

“She always liked you,” Sakura chuckled. “She’s doing good. She seems to be having a lot of fun. Like we were when Kakashi took us under his wing. Without all the bingo book enemies, thankfully.”

 

Yamato laughed and nodded. “You were rather unlucky.”

 

Sakura fell silent, watching her phone again. Though she was fine now, what guaranteed that Sarada wouldn’t meet such hellish monsters as well? Peace had fallen upon them, but would it last? Sakura bit her tongue. She shouldn’t think of that. What had happened to them couldn’t even be deemed once in a lifetime. Once it the history of the entire world, maybe. Still, she couldn’t help but be worried.

 

Yamato squeezed her shoulder, snapping her from her thoughts. “We should go back. Your guests are waiting.”

 

Sakura offered him a smile, nodding. “I’ll just be a minute.”

 

Yamato looked at her a moment longer, comforting smile on his face, before he left. Sakura exhaled a long breath. She fished into her pockets for the house keys and stared at them. Without her daughter with her and soon without a house, Sakura truly felt like she had nothing of her own left.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
